Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

esmerelda98

Somerset wrote: »

I'm not going to comment on your relationship/marriage type stuff. And this isn't intended as criticism but ....

But did I read the above right ? Your husband has a full time job that he hates - he is renovating another house in his spare time (which your sister rents) - you've lined up his next project which is to renovate a shop and flat for your business. Personally I can understand why he's fed up to the back teeth working like a dog, probably depressed and just thinking he needs ''a life'' again.

You two need to talk. Maybe he doesn't want what you want. Normally each can do their own thing - but doing what you want involves him and he just sounds knackered.

I agree with this as well. I think you just naturally have more 'get up and go' than he does, and to some extent you see your energy levels/organisational ability as normal, making him seem somewhat defective in comparison. He, on the other hand, may be feeling like an underachiever, and many men don't like to feel that way compared to their wife.

It also sounds like he was never entirely convinced that moving to Cheshire was a good idea, or maybe it just hasn't worked out and so he blames you for taking him so far away from a familiar environment.

I don't think I can give lots of advice, but I think perhaps a gentle chat about the general direction he wants to go in the future, especially workwise, combined with a discussion about these extra projects - what does he really want to do and realistically, what will he do. Sorry, that's the best I can do. It just seems he's taken on too much, but doesn't want to admit, even to himself that this is the case, maybe because he's trying to keep up with you.

esmerelda98

esmerelda98 wrote: »

I agree with this as well. I think you just naturally have more 'get up and go' than he does, and to some extent you see your energy levels/organisational ability as normal, making him seem somewhat defective in comparison. He, on the other hand, may be feeling like an underachiever, and many men don't like to feel that way compared to their wife.

It also sounds like he was never entirely convinced that moving to Cheshire was a good idea, or maybe it just hasn't worked out and so he blames you for taking him so far away from a familiar environment.

I don't think I can give lots of advice, but I think perhaps a gentle chat about the general direction he wants to go in the future, especially workwise, combined with a discussion about these extra projects - what does he really want to do and realistically, what will he do. Sorry, that's the best I can do. It just seems he's taken on too much, but doesn't want to admit, even to himself that this is the case, maybe because he's trying to keep up with you.

I don't mean to suggest these are the root cause of all your problems, but I think they are significant contributors.

teacher2mum

Thanks I really appreciate your comments and I always teach the children I teach to see things from different viewpoints when writing arguments.. I'm trying to see things from his point of view and will try to talk to him...watch this space!

belfastgirl23

Hmm sounds to me like you both have a huge amount on your plates and instead of pulling together you're pulling apart.

Have you tried talking to him about why he seems so upset all of the time? In a nice way? I mean sitting down quietly and telling him you're worried about him because he seems so unhappy. Don't let it become a row, don't get defensive, and try to listen to what he says even if he is criticising you. And try to figure out what's at the back of the criticism too. Sometimes it is really surprising that the problem you are trying to fix is not the problem he sees at all.

Because to me that's the other problem, you keep trying to fix things. Sorry to say it but it isn't working. I know it's a natural instinct but maybe you need to try to encourage him to come to his own solutions.

The best thing though is to lead by example. If he gets bad tempered or goes off on one, don't respond, try to take the heat out of the situation by saying you're sorry he's upset (which is usually true, even if you know he's in the wrong, you are sorry he's upset!) and ask him what can improve things. If you set the tone, hopefully he'll follow.

good luck!

grey_lady

There's a book called Women Who Love To Much by Robin Norwood that you might find helpful. (the reviews on Amazon can tell you lots about it)

Please dont think that you can change him by talking to him, because that's very unlikely - all you can do is change your own behaviour and how you relate to him and by doing that, then hopefully you will change your situation.

ceridwen

Somerset wrote: »

I'm not going to comment on your relationship/marriage type stuff. And this isn't intended as criticism but ....

But did I read the above right ? Your husband has a full time job that he hates - he is renovating another house in his spare time (which your sister rents) - you've lined up his next project which is to renovate a shop and flat for your business. Personally I can understand why he's fed up to the back teeth working like a dog, probably depressed and just thinking he needs ''a life'' again.

You two need to talk. Maybe he doesn't want what you want. Normally each can do their own thing - but doing what you want involves him and he just sounds knackered.

...and hes moved to your part of the country as well.

I'm also not quite sure as to when you realised hes not cut out for fatherhood - as you now have 3 children by him....

Lara44

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time teacher2mum. It sounds like you're giving this another go at the start of the post, but then by the time you have reached the end you're really thinking about leaving.

I do echo the other posters and say that this amount of work sounds like just too much to take on. I would suggest doing the two things below as I think they might help you see whether things could get better or not.

1. Take control of your finances
Visit the debt free wanabee forum - there are many experts there who can help you with the management of all these different debts and investments. People have all kinds of different situations and you don't have to be struggling with your debts to use the forum. It would be so helpful for you to have a clear picture of all the projects that are going on right now. Undermine this talk about 'your debts' by showing how well you can manage them.

The first thing to do is a statement of affairs, which is where you list incomings and outgoings. Link

2. Take control of finishing your projects
It is so annoying if someone says they will do something and then they don't do it. It's easy to take it on personally (my OH is also like this sometimes). My strategy is to make a rule that I only take on what I personally can manage, and I just count my OH out. He usually ends up helping (without me having to make a big deal) just because he wants to. Make a budget to finish all the outstanding work, and get these exciting projects off the ground.

If he doesn't want anyone else to do the work, just tell him that you know he's tired and overworked, and needs some time off. Try cutting him some slack and see if he gives you the same in return or not.

Good luck - keep posting x

teacher2mum

Thanks Guys I will try anything once. I will check that book and Belfastgirl 23 I used some of your tips at teatime when he started shouting about the arrangements for my 4 yr olds ballet show tomorrow night.. i asked him how he would like it organised to ease the stress (he's picking my parents up on his way thru their village!!) it diffused the situation and he was calm enough to read my daughter a lovely bed time story. i never said he wasn't cut out to be a father I just said it didn't come naturally to him has he had no contact with young children b4 we got married whereas, i have huge family bla bla

whitelillies

Do you love him??????

Emmzi

hon, it doesn't sound passive aggressive, it's just aggressive. Let's not confuse terms. Shouting and throwing is aggressive. He sounds like his opinions are clearly stated and his actions are clear.