Diary of a wife of a passessive aggressive and how to survive it.

teacher2mum

Hi guys i have decided to start this diary after some of you were really helpful with my last thread in the summer when i discussed asking my husband to leave. We went on a lovely child free weekend and he really made the effort and we vowed to try again but I am back to square one!
Basic background: We have been married 12 years. i met him whilst teaching in Essex and 8 years later I convinced him to move with me to Cheshire with our 2 year old. Basically he hates it and his job and so gets very grumpy. We now have an 8yr, 5 yr and 4 yr and being a father doesn't come naturally to him. He has had bouts of aggression (throwing his plate of dinner at me or smashing things like the remote when he gets out of control) every year we have been together but used to be so placid most of the time. Since his mum died 12 years ago and his dad 10 years ago he has got worse. He also had to cope when i had a bad bout of postnatal dep 4 years ago. I am fully recovered now and i think he resents the new confident me. He refuses to believe he has a problem but it's like walking on eggshells , i worry about what mood he will be in when he gets home or text him if i need money for a bill rather then ask him as he justs goes off on one that he is just working to pay all the interest on my debts. I have a private tutoring business so do work every nights and Saturday morning and employ a handful of tutors and 18 months ago he agreed things were so good and i should expand..we bought a shop and a flat ( all in my business name and i pay every month!!) He promised he would renovate it and i've had planning permission to change it into a learning centre . In fairness he does have full-time job as supervisor electrician for a tin pot company and he renovates another house we are now renovating which my sis rents. He moans everyweekend and show almost 'autistic' behaviour . I have to motivate him to do work round there and have laminated the whole house myself just so that it can be done and we can move on to my business but he always has an excuse. He also goes mad if i suggest ways of getting parents to help me to renovate it bla bla. Hence we now fight about money too. Sex is an issue he controls and I get very little and then never refuse when he does. when we came off honeymoon and i approached him sexually he started rejecting me because I was pressuring him!! we then managed once a week and since we've had the children it's been special occasions only. Last four years has been my birthday if i'm lucky, christmas day and maybe our anniversary, but only because i book us a nice weekend in the Lakes. To me that should glue the marriage. We used to be best friends but now he goes to work without even a kiss and when i ask for one it's a peck like he would give his mum...The complements have stopped and he didn't even comment on my hair last week til about 3 days after when he said who's been hacking your fringe. He refused to go to the GP or relate in the summer but agreed to try and have sex once a month.....it never came off.... i feel continuously on edge, feel very rejected and lonely and don't want him to be like this with our children.

teacher2mum

He now threatens to leave me every week with all 'my debts' after initially refusing to go in the summer. Everyone in my family will be so shocked as he always comes across as the perfect gent!!! my sis was shocked in the summer as she had no clue and three of my friends and her initially reacted with...is he having an affair but i genuinely think not....He says things in front of the kids like we wont have this house next year cos we will be forced to sell it and i try to diffuse horrible things he says to the kids and even try to distract them so they wont cause any unnecessary aggression. I know what i need to do and in summer he said let's sell and i'll take my half....the last three months I have been decluttering and trying to sort my finances so that it wont be such a shock as it's only a matter of time before I get strong enough and realise staying with him for the kids is not healthy. I would just like a separation with the view of him getting better and back to old hubby...but i think I'm just blinkered.....He is negative about everything and promises to help everyone but then leaves me to nag him him to do it otherwise he'll not do it. I just need to get through xmas . I can't talk to him about it as he gets defensive and blames me for it all. He drinks every night at home and hardly ever goes out. My middle child would be devastated as he bonded with him more than the other cos he had to take 6 weeks off work when i was postnatal to look after him. i worry about all the debts and properties we have!!!!

teacher2mum

By the way my mother will be upset that I have let him treat me like this as i am usually so independent and strong willed..even my sister commented that she is surprised i put up with it as I would be the first one to tell anyone else to get out.......he can't carry on treating me n the children like this. I love him and he tells me he loves me but then he does this controlling thing and refuses to get any help! what can I do next guys..I can't destroy the children before christmas and would like to get advice on the legal side of things and what I will be entitled to for me and the kids and what to do if i can't meet the repayments on the cards and loans on my own!! Sorry this has been long and I now feel very drained but thanks to everyone in advance!

mummy_Jay

It sounds like you already know what you need to do and your well on the way to have the strength to do it. Get financial advice from CAB you may find that you wont need to sell that much of the property, I would also if you have parent willing to help renovate the shop to a learning center take them up now and ignore him, every step you do for you will make you stronger and more independant.
As for the sex life have you tried buying yourself a 'bunny' and leaving it blatenly out on the bedside table if he's not willing to participate?
Next time he offers to leave, why not tell him to go and have a break for a week or two stay with someone else, when he's had time to calm down and start beign reasonable you'll happly dicuss it further. As at present he's using this trick to control you.

Rachel021967

I would make an appointment with the CAB to see where you stand concerning debts and your options. You and your children cannot continue living under constant verbal abuse and violent outbursts and your husband needs help.

Somerset

teacher2mum wrote: »

Basically he hates it and his job and so gets very grumpy. .....we bought a shop and a flat ...... He promised he would renovate it ........ In fairness he does have full-time job as supervisor electrician ....... and he renovates another house we are now renovating which my sis rents. .......He moans everyweekend and show almost 'autistic' behaviour ......... I have to motivate him to do work round there and have laminated the whole house myself just so that it can be done and we can move on to my business but he always has an excuse. .

I'm not going to comment on your relationship/marriage type stuff. And this isn't intended as criticism but ....

But did I read the above right ? Your husband has a full time job that he hates - he is renovating another house in his spare time (which your sister rents) - you've lined up his next project which is to renovate a shop and flat for your business. Personally I can understand why he's fed up to the back teeth working like a dog, probably depressed and just thinking he needs ''a life'' again.

You two need to talk. Maybe he doesn't want what you want. Normally each can do their own thing - but doing what you want involves him and he just sounds knackered.

whitewing

I have to admit that my first reaction is the same as Somerset's. He doesn't sound like he gets any chillout time at all unless he snarls at you. And realising that you want to take his children away, and have discussed the situation with family must upset him deeply, although he probably doesn't show that in a caring way (if he's anything like, say, my father).

I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid. I'm sure that in your situation I would feel and act the same as you are doing now. And I would be very hurt over the lack of sex; that is important. Not as important as affection though and I guess you aren't getting the cuddles and kisses, but are you actually making time in your day for that genuine affection?

If your husband just worked his full time job and had no more 'duties' than that, except to help with the children and the daily tasks in the household, don't you think that would be enough?

teacher2mum

Hi thanks and I have believe me tried to see it from his eyes....but ever since we got married and we were renovating our first home as we lived in it he would stop at 5pm and refused to carry on til the job was finished..so always had his relaxing time. since our weekend break in august we compromised and he would go to my sisters on the Saturday and he would have Sundays off....He choose to spend it with the kids so he takes them swimming every morning whilst i go round and laminate or paint one of the other properties.. the whole idea of renovating additional houses was because he wanted to give his job up.....i've been waiting 6 years for some electrical stuff doing and he does that for a living. He always hates his job and has only ever been truelly happy when I went back to teaching and he bacame fulltime carer to our new born baby at the time..but he hated that too after a few months. i tell him to go out but he says he has no friends at work who he would like to sociallise and so now he hates me going out to the point i now tell my friends I can't. i booked him a weekend away for a sailing break as he loves that and enjoyed it but it's an expensive sport. So please see I have tried. I've tried preparing meals in the evening so we sit down and chat but he causes a row beforehand cos he just wants to sit on the sofa with his tray and watch top gear etcHe has ADHD tendencies where he starts a job and leaves it unfinished and so he actually never feels likes he accomplished anything...he wont be told that he needs to focus on one thing at atime
I have contacted my friend who works in one of the local sure start centres to make an appointment with their CAB. thanks guys and i totally hear where you're coming from!

whitewing

Bless you, I didn't mean to come across that you haven't tried! Men just don't like being organised to such an extent. My DH told me that. It does get annoying. So far we have twice paid for a passport that never got around to being sorted (long story; DH is foreign and was renewing his foreign passport; consequently when he got chase up letters, I couldn't understand and nag him). He loves watching sport. Watching sport doesn't figure at all in my thoughts. I don't even consider that it's on when I try to schedule in something! But we're gradually working out a routine that allows him the time he needs and me the organisation and 'seeing a task thro to completion' that I need!

teacher2mum

I didn't line him up with the next project Somerset. Sorry I forgot to mention that I had about £10,000 sorted to renovate the shop but he refused to let me pay anyone else to do it when he can do it all.. I have since used that money to pay the mortgage and business rates on it whilst it sits empty....He has almost finshed at my sis house just a gardening job, gate to put on and drive to concrete but that can be done in the spring. I will carry on tiling the kitchen and last bits of painting but my sisters discounted rent has really helped to pay for these last bit of renovations....He could do the building work on the flat and i could decorate it then rent that out or move into myself ..he has weeks off over christmas so he does get time to relax he just chooses not to..He could take the dog for a nice walk or go visit a friend of family member but he doean't want..likes to drink infront of the Tv. He doesn't like sport but will watch every virtual tv cop show going. Friends and family have stopped visiting and if I go to the door to let the next student in at night he moans if he feels a draft (he sits infront of the open log fire he has made!!) just hibernating and refusing to bath the kids or shouts alot if he has to do bedtime cos i'm teaching..I work fulltime too!!

grey_lady

If you dislike your marriage so much and your husband is throwing plates at you, why are still with him? not nice for your children is it.

Please look up some info on co-dependancy.