At the end of my tether with my son

katebl

Good luck, despairing mum. Can I ask does he smoke a lot of cannabis? As some experts believe there is a correlation between this and mental health issues such as you've described...

I wish you all the best.

despairing_mum

Hi, just calling by to say that my lovely DIL paid me a surprise visit today - she was so worried about me. It isn;t easy for her as she has two babies and lives a long way away, but she said she couldn't rest until she had seen me.

I am so blessed to have her in my life.

We had a long talk. It was such a relief because she is the only person I can be open with as she has seen him in action many times, so I don't have to pretend to her.

I have got a replacement lock for the door and that is being fitted tomorrow, but I've heard from a mutual friend that my son has gone away for a few days - he'll calm down and come back as if nothing has happened, and he will not understand why this time is so very different. I feel so sad about that.

I have also found an al anon group which meets Mondays. I hope they will allow me to go because he has never been dx'd as an alcoholic and I am not even sure he is, although he drinks a lot. But it sounds like they may be able to help me to learn how to relate to him whilst protecting myself emotionally.

I am also so very grateful to all of you who gave me support when I felt so desperate the other day. It is very hard maintaining an appearance and pretending everything is okay, MSE was the only place I could think of to turn to.

So thank you all so very much

xxx

BitterAndTwisted

Darling, of course Al-Anon will allow you to go to meetings! Not all alcoholics are formally diagnosed but that certainly doesn't mean that their nearest and dearest aren't suffering in exactly the same way as those who have been. I hope you'll find it a very supportive and understanding environment because that's just what you need right now.

I'm truly happy for you that your DIL is being so supportive and kind and that you can share this terrible experience with someone close to you. It must have been such a relief to know you've got some shoulders to lean on.

I fear that the hard part for you will be when your son realises that he's not welcome any more and hope that you'll have someone nearby to call on should you need to.

All the best!

patchwork_cat

Would be very surprised if Al Anon didn't let you attend as I have found that those around alcoholics know long before the alcoholic that there is a problem, even if the alcoholic EVER accepts it.

despairing_mum

This is just an update. I went to Al Anon last week, and have another meeting tomorrow. I am still not sure if my son is an alcoholic, but what I do know is that the people there all had similar stories to tell. I made a fool of myself because I was unable to speak without crying, but they were very understanding. One other lady also had an alcoholic son who had totally gone off the rails and she was also at the end of her tether. The two ladies who run the group said that when they started the group about 15 years ago the members were all spouses of alcoholics, but now all groupd are reporting a significant increase of parents in their 60's struggling to cope with abusive and anti-social behaviour of children (mostly son's) in their 30's and 40's.

I was pleased that I went because on Friday I received a solicitor's letter accusing me of threatening behaviour towards my son and warning me that they will take me to court if I try to contact him. That is such a joke! My sister (who has first hand experience of his behaviour) is furious and said that she was going to speak to the solicitor and tell her a few home truths. My dear DIL (son's ex) said the same thing. But really I am past caring. If he wishes to live in a fantasy world where I am the wicked witch, that's fine - but since I am now threatened with court action if I contact him, the same works in reverse, doesn't it? This means that he also can't contact me, doesn't it? Am I right?

Thank you everyone for your input, and your help, it is all very much appreciated, more than you can ever know x

paddy's_mum

If being unable to speak through crying as a result of years of abuse, unhappiness and grief is being a fool, then .... I'm a fool too - and so is everyone who has enough love and heart to feel wounded by the poor behaviour of others.

Don't apologise - you are in good company but in any case, who wants to be such a hard nut that nothing touches or hurts them? I'd rather shed the tears than realise that I'm an empty, unfeeling vessel - wouldn't you?

patchwork_cat

despairing_mum wrote: »

This is just an update. I went to Al Anon last week, and have another meeting tomorrow. I am still not sure if my son is an alcoholic, but what I do know is that the people there all had similar stories to tell. I made a fool of myself because I was unable to speak without crying, but they were very understanding. One other lady also had an alcoholic son who had totally gone off the rails and she was also at the end of her tether. The two ladies who run the group said that when they started the group about 15 years ago the members were all spouses of alcoholics, but now all groupd are reporting a significant increase of parents in their 60's struggling to cope with abusive and anti-social behaviour of children (mostly son's) in their 30's and 40's.

I was pleased that I went because on Friday I received a solicitor's letter accusing me of threatening behaviour towards my son and warning me that they will take me to court if I try to contact him. That is such a joke! My sister (who has first hand experience of his behaviour) is furious and said that she was going to speak to the solicitor and tell her a few home truths. My dear DIL (son's ex) said the same thing. But really I am past caring. If he wishes to live in a fantasy world where I am the wicked witch, that's fine - but since I am now threatened with court action if I contact him, the same works in reverse, doesn't it? This means that he also can't contact me, doesn't it? Am I right?

Thank you everyone for your input, and your help, it is all very much appreciated, more than you can ever know x

Don't mean to be too personal, but presumably you are in your 60's and your son in his 40's exactly what sort of threatening behaviour can you have done?! What could a 60 year old woman do to threaten a 40 year old man?

rach29

I hope you don't mind if I give you my take on the Solicitor's letter. Your Son has realised that you are taking a stand (at last) and this is his way to get you to capitulate & do as he wants. He's expecting you to fall to bits in despair at receiving the letter & then roll over and do as he wishes & allow him to continue treating you the way he has.

When he realises that this has not worked, he'll try something new, he'll shout louder, he may even carry out his threat to go to the police (I'm not trying to scare you here, just warn you of the possibility)

The reason he will do this is because you aren't behaving how he would want you to. He's been manipulating you all his life & suddenly it isn't working any more. He will try anything to get you to return to the biddable person he has been treating this way for years.

It's hard to stay strong, to not blame yourself, to not wonder if this behaviour is something you have caused to happen. It isn't

For now, you should think only of yourself, I'm glad you are getting help from Al Anon, take strength from it, but take care not to let him draw you back in with whatever crisis he will likely throw at you next. remind yourself that every time you refuse to respond to his behaviour you are helping him towards becoming a better person.

He may never be the man you want him to be, and you will grieve for the loss of that person (who never was) But you will be a stronger & happier person for having done it.

I wish you strength & luck on your journey

despairing_mum

Thank you Rach and Paddy's Mum, you are right - and thanks also to everyone who has been kind enough to give me support, it means so much.

Well, I got through Christmas. There was no contact, and all was peaceful.

I had another sickening revelation though. I was abroad on holiday in september, on the second day I got a text from him telling me not to worry, but that he was in hospital on an isolation ward with swine flu, it had gone on his chest and developed into pneumonia. We exchanged several texts each day for the whole fortnight, but I was worried sick, and even tried to get a flight home. He was discharged the day before I came home. Well, when I heard about this I phoned my cousin and asked her to send some flowers, and I texted her now and again to let her know what was happening.

Well, here's the thing I saw her over christmas and she told me that while I was away she phoned the hospital twice pretending to be his mother and spoke to the ward sister - he was in hospital, that much was true, but it was a precaution as he was complaining of abdominal pain - but none of the rest was true, no swine flu, no pneumonia, no isolation ward, no tubes, no oxygen.... It was all a fabrication. Why? I don't know - to ruin my holiday I suppose. To wind me up just because he was bored, maybe.

I also finally replied to the solicitor's letter today. Rightly or wrongly, I told her that it was not me who was harassing him, but the other way round. I explained about the abusive texts and the pneumonia charade, and that I had changed my locks and my phone number. I didn't go into a great long tirade, and in fact I cut it down a lot as it occured to me that she will probably show it to him and I am concerned that I don't really know what he is capable of doing next to get my attention.

I feel that he has wasted his life - and that I have wasted mine trying for so long to support and help him, cover up for him, and living a solitary and isolated existence, as I can't afford to let people get too close in case they unearth this whole can of worms.

I have already had so much help from Al Anon. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, but their experiences are similar to mine, and they have helped me to begin to see things more clearly.

I am also really grateful for the support I have found here on MSE. Thank you all so much.

xxx

nearlyrich

I hadn't seen this thread before and I am sitting here almost in tears thinking of how badly you have been treated by your ungrateful son. I am really pleased you have found the strength to distance yourself and I hope that you can keep strong if he comes back with his false remorse. I wish you a very happy 2010 you deserve it.