At the end of my tether with my son

despairing_mum

mandi wrote: »

No ONW , I have a reason for asking, but its late for me to explain .

He has a very addictive personality. When he was a teenager he got involved in drugs and spent time in a YOI. It was awful but I stood by him and we got through it. I am fairly certain that he doesn't do drugs now, apart from canabis maybe. But everything he does, he does to excess - if he drinks he will pour a full bottle of wine into a large glass and drink it like you or I might drink a pint of larger.

He stays up all night playing on-line games with people on his PS3 (I think)

He tells the most amazingly untrue stories about his first wife (she is the mother to his two girls, and the daughter I never had) to people even when I am in the room, he isn't really lying, he actually believes this stuff. It scares me that he seems to live in a half fantasy world and he expects everyone else to collude in it with him.

I'm making him sound mad, and I do wonder if he is bi-polar or something, but whatever, I can't help him if he flatly refuses to help himself.

Oldernotwiser

You are not responsible for your children when they are adults aged 40. He may be mentally ill, he may be an addict but it's not your problem!

despairing_mum

I know you mean well, but yes it is my problem. He is my son and I want what is best for him, and I would do anything to be able to help him sort his life out. The fact that I can't carry on doesn't alter the fact that I am worried sick about him, and if anything happens to him I will never forgive myself. And trust me, he is perfectly capable of putting himself in hospital and then getting a nurse to phone me. And I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say, no, he's on his own now.

He'll be vulnerable and apologetic and full of promises and I'll give him another chance and the cycle will start again. That is what I have realised today. It isn't a linear progression, where things will eventually improve, it is a cycle and we'll just keep going round and round. I am in bits because this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.

mandi

despairing_mum wrote: »

I know you mean well, but yes it is my problem. He is my son and I want what is best for him, and I would do anything to be able to help him sort his life out. The fact that I can't carry on doesn't alter the fact that I am worried sick about him, and if anything happens to him I will never forgive myself. And trust me, he is perfectly capable of putting himself in hospital and then getting a nurse to phone me. And I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say, no, he's on his own now.

He'll be vulnerable and apologetic and full of promises and I'll give him another chance and the cycle will start again. That is what I have realised today. It isn't a linear progression, where things will eventually improve, it is a cycle and we'll just keep going round and round. I am in bits because this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.

Let me sleep on it . I promise a reply. It's not easy .

sp1987

You really do need to consider your own feelings on this one. He is being very hurtful towards you and seemingly shows no sign of change. I read the OP and expected him to be 17 or 18....I was shocked when I saw 40!

He needs to stand on his own two feet and get to grips with life. If he has had two failed marriages through his behaviour then it is not something just directed at you.

Can you write him a letter to explain how you feel? If nothing else writing and sending it may help you to see how badly it has made you feel, plus you will be able to make your points without backlash or profanity from him. Hopefully he will read it too and have some idea about how much you do care but that you cannot cope with how he treats you.

He does sound as if he may be suffering from a mental health condition of some description, but you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

wannabe_sybil

I hope you do not mind me saying this, but you are in an abusive relationship, just an abusive mother and son relationship. You are, regrettably, being manipulated in the same way as an abuser would manipulate a wife in an abusive marriage. I am really sorry, he is your son and you love him.

I hope someone more knowledgeable will come along, but can you speak to a sympathetic GP about some support for yourself? I think you may also find it helpful to speak to somewhere like WomensAid who deal with this sort of behaviour from another angle. Other more knowledgeable posters will able to say if this is possible.

I don't think you have done anything wrong in your relationship. Some people are just born like this. You have taught him that his behaviour is wrong, but he makes a choice of his own free will to be awful to you - and others.

You are doing the right thing, because even at this stage in his life it may be a shock enough to make him re-consider his way of life. However, it may not. So please do not see him when you are alone and meet in a public place. We are heading for Christmas which is a a tough time of year for these things, so plan what things you can do to distract yourself. Find some sort of mantra, like Martin's Money Mantra, to say to yourself when you feel like weakening, like - I will not stay on this cycle, I will not stay on this cycle when he is being at his most vulnerable.

I am hope I do not upset you by being critical of your son, but he can use the sentiments of Christmas to his advantage. For your own sake please do not let him. I would suggest doing things like changing your mobile number and not giving it to him, so you can protect yourself from horrible texts.

Please take care of yourself. You have done all you can for your son, and much more than some mothers. You are not wrong to love your son, no matter what. However you are absolutely right to protect yourself from another adult.

bestpud

despairing_mum wrote: »

I know you mean well, but yes it is my problem. He is my son and I want what is best for him, and I would do anything to be able to help him sort his life out. The fact that I can't carry on doesn't alter the fact that I am worried sick about him, and if anything happens to him I will never forgive myself. And trust me, he is perfectly capable of putting himself in hospital and then getting a nurse to phone me. And I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say, no, he's on his own now.

He'll be vulnerable and apologetic and full of promises and I'll give him another chance and the cycle will start again. That is what I have realised today. It isn't a linear progression, where things will eventually improve, it is a cycle and we'll just keep going round and round. I am in bits because this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.

I'm afraid you are part of his problem. Not that you are to blame - I don't mean that. I mean you are barring him from any hope he has of sorting himself out, because he won't change while everything around him carries on as normal.

You are not helping him, you are hindering him, and destroying yourself at the same time.

patchwork_cat

I don't agree with oldernotwiser ( not new!) I don't think that I will stop worrying about my children just because they turn 18 - A child is for life not just childhood!

From what you have said I think he may have a mental illness at least an addictive personality.

There is an expression neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them. I would visit my GP to talk this through, obviously they can't diagnose or refer your son, but may be able to help you. I would call his bluff about the abuse and change the locks, you need some distance to deal with this.

What have you done in the past to deal with his problems? Have you talked to his first wife as it sounds like you have a good relationship with her?

viktory

bestpud wrote: »

I'm afraid you are part of his problem. Not that you are to blame - I don't mean that. I mean you are barring him from any hope he has of sorting himself out, because he won't change while everything around him carries on as normal.

You are not helping him, you are hindering him, and destroying yourself at the same time.

Totally agree. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, time for very tough love. Cut all ties, refuse to accept his behaviour, stop bailing him out. None of this is helping him.

Cutting all ties is essential for both your sanity and his.

sleepless_saver

You know you need support to deal with this which is one of the reasons you're posting on here, so can I butt in and suggest you contact Al-Anon. I've not used this myself, but I've had very positive reports. Al-Anon provides a support network of people in similar situations, and helps in understanding people with drink problems (which it sounds like your son has in addition to other issues). Perhaps most important for you, it can help learning how to cope without being destroyed yourself.

At the moment, it sounds like you're being torn in two - the pain in your posts is heartrending - but it can't go on like this.