At the end of my tether with my son

sleepless_saver

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

I just have to say that this is not enitrely correct.
Al-anon does nothing to help you understand people with drink problems as an organisation. They do not offer help about alcoholics, how to deal with an alcoholic or give advise on how to change an alcoholic.
Al-anon help people to help themselves become stronger people by shrugging off any codependant traits that hinder them leading a guilt free life.
Al-anon are only concerned about non-alcoholics and only help you to understand yourself and help you to become healthily selfish.

Thanks for making this clearer, I know they don't try to help change alcoholics as only the alcoholic can do that, but you've explained what they do much better than I managed.

RAS

despairing_mum wrote: »

I feel so ashamed of his behaviour, and guilty because he is the way he is, and if only I had done things differently when he was a child maybe he would have turned out differently. I have even thought on many occasions that I should have had him adopted, because then he would have had a better life (it was hard being an unmarried mum 40 years ago).

That is the abusive relationship talking

If only I had done this or that HE would be different.

The only way he is going to be different is if he does this or that.

Nothing you can do will change him. If you stop trying and he might be able to change himself.

aliasojo

If you stop being an enabler, he will stop acting so badly with you.

It's a very simple premise but very hard to put into practice.

Good luck.

lavidaloca

Rockporkchop wrote: »

My brother sounds just like your son, he was an abusive alcoholic who tore the family to shreds. For years we lived life on tenterhooks, wondering when he would next erupt with rage and my parents were out of their minds with worry and stress for years.

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Continue to be strong, you must follow through with this. If he finally sorts himself out because of this, it will benefit everyone in his life. Someone like your son really has to reach rock bottom before they can pick themselves up and ask for help to get better.

Oh and I don't think it is anything to do with bad parenting, my brother and I were brought up in exactly the same way and I have turned out fine.

Take care of yourself, and put yourself first from now on.

I could have written this post. Please take care of yourself and make a stand. I wish my Mother had because I am positive that my brother sent her into an early grave.

It's nothing to do with bad parenting as my brother and I both had the same chances and I am fine also. Definitely somewhere in the genes maybe even a generation or so back.

Oldernotwiser

despairing_mum wrote: »

For thoseof you who have identified this as an abusive relationship, you are right. But when he is in one of his 'stable' periods (which can last for a few months) he is a good son. The problem is, it is like living on the edge of a volcano, never knowing when the next eruption will come or the direction it will go.

You've exactly described most abusive relationships; if they were awful all the time, people would make changes more quickly.

It's because the abuser has good times (often being terribly contrite and promising the behaviour won't be repeated) that people stick with it, always hoping that things will change, which unfortunately they rarely do.

wiseways

First of all I would like to say
we are people first and parents second
children are people first and children second
relatives are people first and relatives second

Just because you are his mother does not mean that the way he has turned out is your fault.

Just because he is your son does not mean you have to like him (though I understand we love our children) like and love are not synonimous.

It is very difficult to come to terms with, that some people that we love are not nice people and not good for us. It is the hardest thing in the world to break away from these people but, if they are destroying you as a person then that is what you need to do.

It is never easy to retain our confidence or dignity when there are negative issues involved, such as guilt and low self esteem. You must try to hold your head high and remember who you are, You are not a bad person and everything is not your fault. Do not feel guilty if you don't like your son, you would not think it bad to dislike him or his behaviour if he was someone -elses child. Try very hard to remember who you are and that you are the same person you were before you had him or before he started behaving badly. To look at things objectively you can imagine it is somebody elses proplem and ask yourself what you would advise them.

Hope I haven't gone on too much but how ever you decide to deal with this it is soooo important to be positive, which means not feeling guilty or bad.:o

Tia_Maria06

I've just read your story OP, and I'm sure I have written it!! My son is almost 17 and I am going through the same thing. I wont hijack your thread, but I wish I could talk to someone on here but dont know where to turn. God, I didnt want to get teary.. think its the guilt syndrome even though you know you cant have done anything wrong. ??

Please be strong and let your head rule your heart at the moment. Seems like everyone's comments are spot on, I am going to try take on board what they are saying, it makes sense.. (((Big Hugs))) xx

pollypenny

All the best, despairing mum.

Your son is putting you through it and no one, least of all a mother, deserves to be treated like that. You will have to try to harden yourself against him in order to protect yourself. It will be hard, he's still your 'child'.

Dave101t

he is 40? that needs a big !!!!!!?!
forget your self-criticism, he has been an adult for over 20 years, thats more time than you spend raising him, long enough to learn the ways of the world for himself, and the rules.
forget tough love, just shut him out cold.
as an impartial observer id be worried his motivation for his attitude is money orientated, especially if he can send you mental.

despairing_mum

patchwork_cat wrote: »

What have you done in the past to deal with his problems? Have you talked to his first wife as it sounds like you have a good relationship with her?

yes I have spoken to both his wifes today. I haven't told them any details, as I don't want to blacken his name. But they both have daughters and need to know that he is kicking off. They both said some lovely things to me, including how much they admire the way I have stuck by him when many people would have turned their back on him long ago. They both also offered to contact the police for me. Of course I said no, as am not going to get my DILs involved, but it is good to know I have their support.