At the end of my tether with my son

despairing_mum

Sorry, I should say that I am a regular poster on the forums but I have set up a new username which I'll delete tomorrow, as I don't want to be recognised.

What do you do when your son is a foul mouthed abusive liar, who always end up crying and apologising, but then just goes ahead and does it again - usually when he's managed to beg/borrow/steal yet more money of you?

I'm having the locks changed tomorrow and have threatened to report him to the police if he doesn't leave me alone, but he just laughed and said he'd accuse me of child abuse when he was little and he can produce people who will say they witnessed it - !!!!!!

I know it sounds like I'm a bad mother - I know I am because otherwise he wouldn't have turned out like this. But he's 40, and I'm tired. I just want him out of my life and to be left in peace. But at the same time I'm broken hearted.

What do I do?

jamespir

by the sounds of things he still acting like a child so youve got to be the adult here

im 27 and if i swear in front of my mother she would wash my mouth out with soap

and the fact that hes stolen from you if you can prove it go to the police never mind his !!!! and bull story

other than that im not sure what advice i could give you apart from be the better person

i take it he lives with you ?
and i bet you cook and clean and he laps it up my advice there is to say no and make him do it

despairing_mum

Hi no he doesn't live with me, he has had two marriages fail because of his nasty temper, both times the police were called. After the second wife kicked him out last year he asked me if he could live with me, but instead I found him a flat and paid the deposit because I know what he is like. He is a real jekyl and hyde person - he can be charm personified, if you met him you'd think he was such a nice person and you'd think I am a complete cow - until you inadvertently crossed him with some imagined slight, and then BANG, he can turn on a sixpence.

What has finished me off is that he has sent me a text saying 'get the fcuk out of my face C**T' . It has taken my breath away I am so shocked, no-one has ever used the c word to me. This was because he wanted £2000 to clear his debts - again - and I refused. I offered to help him draw up an SOA and speak to CCCS, but he refuses to address his overspending or his drinking, he just wants a magic fix and is furious that I won't bail him out again.

Oldernotwiser

He is not a child! Cut the cords and treat him in exactly the same way as you would an abusive partner - report him to the police, change you locks and move on.

Some people are just born bad and it has nothing to do with their upbringing.

mandi

despairing_mum wrote: »

What do you do when your son is a foul mouthed abusive liar, who always end up crying and apologising, but then just goes ahead and does it again - usually when he's managed to beg/borrow/steal yet more money of you?



I know it sounds like I'm a bad mother - I know I am because otherwise he wouldn't have turned out like this. But he's 40, and I'm tired. I just want him out of my life and to be left in peace. But at the same time I'm broken hearted.

What do I do?

Sorry to ask , but it reads like your son has an addiction . Is that why he's stealling from you ?

Crossed posted with your last post sorry

despairing_mum

Atomised wrote: »

Do you have a partner? Or other children?
Maybe you should investigate the possibility of a restraining order?

No, his father left me before he was born and died ages ago. I have no partner and no other children, and my only sister lives at the other end of the country.

But I am lucky because I have a (male) lodger and my son won't let the mask slip while he is around - he knows deep down that his behaviour isn't acceptable, but he always manages to rationalise it, and blame someone or something else.

The awful thing is, I know he will be sat at home drunk and sobbing now. I just feel he is beyond my reach. I have always defended him, even tho I don't always condone his behaviour, but he has overstepped the mark, I just don't think there is any way back. I feel such a failure, and I am so scared that I will get a phone call to say he is in hospital - I can't eat or sleep for worrying about him

Oldernotwiser

mandi wrote: »

Sorry to ask , but it reads like your son has an addiction . Is that why he's stealling from you ?

Does it actually matter?

viv0147

I feel very sorry for you, at your time of life you shouldn't have this horrible problem, and I am afraid to say the only way out is to totally disown him, and yes I feel sure you will feel guilty about doing so but if you dont you will end up going to an early grave. You are not the first mother to have this problem and you wont be the last. So go to the police and seek their advice, also if you can afford it go to your solicitor for his advice. Once you do this your son will be begging for forgiveness and saying he will change his ways. I am sorry speaking from experience it doesn't happen!!!! for you to have peace he has to go.xxx

Iheart2poundcoins

Is he taking drugs?
Got depression?
Sounds like you've given him plenty of chances before and for his own good in the end he needs soem tough love, so I agree with changing the locks cos at 40 he should have left home 20 yrs ago!
You don't deserve this and as for what he'll say - don't be blackmailed.
Do you have any other family who you can get on your side?
If you think he might get aggressive I would inform the police of your plans and his blackmail threats.

Youre not a bad mother. Hopefully one day he will come to realise how bad he has been to you. Time for him to grow up and sort his life out, and you dont waste anymore of yours putting up with this.

mandi

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Does it actually matter?

No ONW , I have a reason for asking, but its late for me to explain .

Iheart2poundcoins

for some reason only 2 posts were showing when i posted.

I think you need to cut ties now and let him sort himself out.
Drinking and debts, he needs help but he's got to go about getting help the right way. The CAB, the doctor etc. Sounds like he needs some real help.
he probably doesnt even mean what he's saying to you, but its no excuse.

Hope everything turns out ok in the end xx