At the end of my tether with my son

Zazen999

despairing_mum wrote: »

I know you mean well, but yes it is my problem. He is my xxx and I want what is best for him, and I would do anything to be able to help him sort his life out. The fact that I can't carry on doesn't alter the fact that I am worried sick about him, and if anything happens to him I will never forgive myself. And trust me, he is perfectly capable of putting himself in hospital and then getting a nurse to phone me. And I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say, no, he's on his own now.

He'll be vulnerable and apologetic and full of promises and I'll give him another chance and the cycle will start again. That is what I have realised today. It isn't a linear progression, where things will eventually improve, it is a cycle and we'll just keep going round and round. I am in bits because this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am not going to let him drag me down anymore.

Would you have encouraged his wife to stay if she had written this?

There is NO excuse for texting you what he texted.

Best Pud is spot on the mark. As an adult, you have to take responsibility and if he has always had you to bail him out, he will only learn once you DO change your behaviour in response to his.

thorsoak

Dear despairing mum

I would judge that we are around the same age - I too have sons and a daughter around the age of your son. But that's where the similarity ends.

My children are now starting to fuss around me! Not excessively - thank goodness - couldnt stand that - but they are beginning to check up on me - are you sure you should be driving so far .... you're not biting off more than you can chew ... etc etc etc.

And that's how it should be - at 40 years old your son is of an age where he is NOT your responsibility - and whatever influence you might have had on him at an earlier age, nothing you say or do will "make things better for him". You've obviously loved him - no-one else would have put up with his behaviour - his two wives didn't - so why should you?

Change the locks - better still - make arrangements to move away - maybe nearer to your sister? - and DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE MOVED TO! At the very least, change your mobile number - then he cannot send you texts that you find so upsetting.

He has to grow up - he must grow up now!

He has run out of chances.

Oldernotwiser

despairing_mum wrote: »

I know you mean well, but yes it is my problem. .

The situation is your problem - your son is not!

As others have said, this is an abusive relationship, just as much as if you were partners rather than mother and son. A 40 year old man does not need your help to straighten himself out; he needs for you to be strong enough to allow him to touch rock bottom so that he can have any possibility of rising. At the moment you're not allowing this to happen which is enabling him to behave in this way.

Be strong.

DaveLy

It sounds like a typical mental health issue to me, and I have a family full of it.
He understands right and wrong, chaotic interpersonal relationships, he's destructive and manipulative. I'd bet he experiences explosive episodes of rage. I'm no expert I might add, but common sense tells me this isn't rational minded behaviour.

Ask him if thats how he wants to live his life.

If he reported you for child abuse, it'll be a rage in the heat of the moment, once he rationalised such a thing he'll back down. I wouldn't worry of this threat.

Tell him he needs to seek professional help, from the GP. As a mother you'll help him through it, and that is his last chance at any relationship between you. If he doesn't accept then you must make him understand that he is therefore beyond even your help.

Ruby_Moon

despairing_mum wrote: »

Hi no he doesn't live with me, he has had two marriages fail because of his nasty temper, both times the police were called. After the second wife kicked him out last year he asked me if he could live with me, but instead I found him a flat and paid the deposit because I know what he is like. He is a real jekyl and hyde person - he can be charm personified, if you met him you'd think he was such a nice person and you'd think I am a complete cow - until you inadvertently crossed him with some imagined slight, and then BANG, he can turn on a sixpence.

What has finished me off is that he has sent me a text saying 'get the fcuk out of my face C**T' . It has taken my breath away I am so shocked, no-one has ever used the c word to me. This was because he wanted £2000 to clear his debts - again - and I refused. I offered to help him draw up an SOA and speak to CCCS, but he refuses to address his overspending or his drinking, he just wants a magic fix and is furious that I won't bail him out again.

You hit the nail on the head..Drinking! Hes alcoholic.
Get yourself off to Al-anon. They will give you every ounze of support you need to sort yourself out.

foreign_correspondent

It does sound as if their is a mental health/addiction element to his behaviour - however, I am so sorry he is being so hurtful to you - you sould like a lovely mum and it is clear you love him.

However, you do not need to be his punchbag - by which I mean his verbal aggression and anger should not be directed at you - it is though, and yet clearly he is not happy about how his relationship is with you. I do think al-anon may be a start for you - what you can do to change him is limited, however, you can control to an extent, how much you let it affect you, and how you react to it.

Ideally, he could do with seeking some help for himself too, but he may not be ready to.

Best wishes though, it must be very hurtful and worrying for you.

Ruby_Moon

sleepless_saver wrote: »

You know you need support to deal with this which is one of the reasons you're posting on here, so can I butt in and suggest you contact Al-Anon. I've not used this myself, but I've had very positive reports. Al-Anon provides a support network of people in similar situations, and helps in understanding people with drink problems (which it sounds like your son has in addition to other issues). Perhaps most important for you, it can help learning how to cope without being destroyed yourself.

At the moment, it sounds like you're being torn in two - the pain in your posts is heartrending - but it can't go on like this.

I just have to say that this is not enitrely correct.
Al-anon does nothing to help you understand people with drink problems as an organisation. They do not offer help about alcoholics, how to deal with an alcoholic or give advise on how to change an alcoholic.
Al-anon help people to help themselves become stronger people by shrugging off any codependant traits that hinder them leading a guilt free life.
Al-anon are only concerned about non-alcoholics and only help you to understand yourself and help you to become healthily selfish.

BitterAndTwisted

OP you have done everything that could be expected of a parent and much, much more for a very long time. Past experience has taught you that this hasn't worked to help your son take control of his life and his responsibilities, so it's time to try a new tactic or you'll never be free of his bullying and extortion. Take some of the advice on here and do everything you can to learn from this and to protect yourself as well. Police. GP. Al-Anon. Until he realises that his abuse of you will not work any longer he has absolutely no incentive to take control of his life and start to address HIS problems. You're a good person and he needs the opportunity to learn how to be one himself but you cannot do this for him, he has to

despairing_mum

I'd just like to say thank you for all the support you have all given me.

And a particularly big ((((hug)))) and thanks to the poster who pm'd me, and who made all the pennies drop into place.

I feel so ashamed of his behaviour, and guilty because he is the way he is, and if only I had done things differently when he was a child maybe he would have turned out differently. I have even thought on many occasions that I should have had him adopted, because then he would have had a better life (it was hard being an unmarried mum 40 years ago). But today, thanks to the poster who pm'd me, I have also realised that his father was cut from the same cloth. I feel better about that because I guess I don't have to feel that this is all my fault, he must have had some genetic influence there too from his father.

Some of you who have posted, know the *real* me (poster). You would be so shocked if you knew it was me. But then so would my colleagues and friends - they all think I am such a strong, sorted, capable person.

Thank you again everyone, I posted in desperation not really believing anyone could help, but I will contact al-anon (I'm not convinced the drinking is the root problem but it is a part of it, and anyway maybe they will help me to find the tools to cope).

For thoseof you who have identified this as an abusive relationship, you are right. But when he is in one of his 'stable' periods (which can last for a few months) he is a good son. The problem is, it is like living on the edge of a volcano, never knowing when the next eruption will come or the direction it will go.

I was going to take this profile down today. But if it is okay with you, I will leave it up for a bit.

Thanks again

DM

Rockporkchop

My brother sounds just like your son, he was an abusive alcoholic who tore the family to shreds. For years we lived life on tenterhooks, wondering when he would next erupt with rage and my parents were out of their minds with worry and stress for years.

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Continue to be strong, you must follow through with this. If he finally sorts himself out because of this, it will benefit everyone in his life. Someone like your son really has to reach rock bottom before they can pick themselves up and ask for help to get better.

Oh and I don't think it is anything to do with bad parenting, my brother and I were brought up in exactly the same way and I have turned out fine.

Take care of yourself, and put yourself first from now on.