Tete en l’Air’s Feet On The Ground Diary

Dinah93

Aw hon I'm sorry things suck so much. But you're right, you do need to talk to him, if you can't talk honestly then you're in trouble as thats kind of the bedrock of a relationship. Its a huge decision, and you need to be comfortable with it. It makes me really sad to hear you say you're afraid of what he'll say - but look at it this way - if he says he's going with or without you then he's a pig and it was never going to last anyway. You're funny, smart, gorgeous and deserve a guy who puts your wants and needs as equal to his. If he says he didn't realise you were so nervous and had misgivings and he wants to do what makes you happy you've got a great man there and someone you can depend on. Giving up on children is a COLLOSSAL thing to decide to give up for a man who doesn't want to commit. I'm not saying he doesn't, just if he doesn't then I'd be seriously thinking about all he is asking me to give up, moving across the world and giving up on my dreams to satisfy his. Hopefully you can come to a compromise, move over in two years after the wedding say.

You say some things like you've never had the future talk? You've been with him a long time, I assume you actually do know you're both heading in the same direction as regards marriage and children.

No you can't live your life for other people, but they're your people, and important to you, and its natural to worry about them, especially your grandma. As you know when it came to me actually looking for jobs in Ireland and it became less romantic and abstract and more real I just couldn't do it, I couldn't leave my family. And that was when I could have popped back once a month to see them. I'd never be able to entertain a permenant move to the other side of the planet as for me family is the most important thing in my life, I'd love to live abroad in an abstract sense, but realistically I'd only want to go if I could take them with me - so I just need to start earning a lot of money to take month long travelling trips or buy a villa somewhere.

On a more practical note, I know he's in an in demand job that would enable him to get a visa, but are you? One of my friends (bloke) went to oz for a month last year, came back set on moving over. His gf is a teacher, so could get the visa, but he's the manager of a bookies and therefore not in demand, and their relationship wasn't recognised as despite living together 3 years they weren't counted as a unit or some such thing. Since she wasn't overly keen to go as she has a good job here she was quite pleased, as he couldn't go without her, and it might hurry him up into proposing!

Getting even more practical, you haven't even lived with him. Moving across the globe to set up your first house is a huge deal, it's a bit like missing out several steps in the middle! Again, maybe this is something you could bring up in view of making a long term plan not rashly moving now. He has no idea if his job is even under threat!

Has he mentioned that he is aware it is harder for you than him. You sound like you have more people you are close to, and without meaning to make assumptions, you come across as quite quiet and shy whereas you paint a much more outgoing picture of him. NIM is quite outgoing and has been here a year and still hasn't found mates he can call up if he has an issue or just wants to go to the pub with, the social difficulties of moving can't be underestimated.

On the flip side, it is normal to have nerves, and if deep down you really want to do this now, then go for it. I've focussed on addressing the points you've raised, but deep down you know if you're excited to do this but just nervous, or not ready right now but want to do it in the long run, or just don't really want to do it while you still have ties in the area and have been trying to make him happy. There is a difference between travelling and emigrating, I'd love to take a year off to travel at some point, and see lots of places while I work, but moving abroad to one specific place a very long away away is a totally different thing.

Are you coming to class tonight or speaking to him? I really think you need to speak to him asap as you'll be a bag of nerves until you do.

Dinah93

Birdie85 wrote: »

Do you have any ideas of his stance on the marriage and kids thing? After my ex had been so anti-family (and that was part of the reason we broke up) I made sure within a month or so of being with OH that we were on the same page regarding a family, he thought I was a bit crazy but it all worked out well in the end!

Lol I did the same thing, actually NIM already had an idea, but I made sure we were on the same page the first weekend I went over as a couple, I did not want to fall for and waste my time with someone who ultimately was only going to hurt me. My rationale was if I scared him off he wasn't my guy anyway, as anyone that easily scared is never going to be man enough for me!

poddle911

Aw Tete, I'm sorry to hear you so down! Birdie and Dinah have made loads of good points but you know that the only way forward is to have a good and proper talk with OH - as long as you're both on the same page a rough plan is all you need. Me and OH are 'tied down' with a mortgage and cat, but we're still planning on travelling or moving abroad for a couple of years. I don't know when exactly, but we both want it so we'll make it happen if it's the right thing to do.

It does sound like it's happening very fast, but there's nothing wrong with that as long as it's what you want. Just remember, there's not much in this world that's permanent - you could emigrate and come back in a couple of years to get married and start a family or you could live happily ever after and not come back.

Family is always going to be difficult, especially as you're an only child, but you're right, you have to live your own life and deep down they''ll be happy if you're happy. Have you ever talked to your dad and grandma about moving overseas? It's a really tough decision but you shouldn't have to make it on your own xx

PS. Have you managed to get a little bit excited about pay day?

Lara44

Dear Tete

That is very exciting news. At least you know why your OH didn't seem that motivated about looking into houses here! I would find it very hard to commit to emigrating to a country I hadn't visited (at least multiple times). But I would be so excited to move to another country with my partner for 1 - 2 years for an adventure.

The problems you're describing about family - it's not possible to know in advance how things will pan out. Perhaps a good idea would be to tell your OH about how you're feeling and suggest you give Oz a try for 1 year. If it goes well, and you're able to make the family thing work, then you could think about making a new life for good. If not, you can look into moving somewhere else, maybe back to the UK or perhaps somewhere in Europe - especially with all your languages. It doesn't have to be a big all or nothing decision that puts you into conflict with your OH, it can be a process where you make new options together. He might end up hating it and being really homesick after a year - it's so difficult to know yourself in that way.

I wouldn't be worried about telling him you would have liked to be married - at the end of the day it's a massive compliment. If you frame it in a positive way about your hopes for the future it could be a really rewarding conversation. I find it hard to talk about the future as I seem to want a bit of everything - to be a big PhD, to have lived abroad, to have a great career, and also to have two lovely children and potter about in a home I enjoy. I still really believe that it can be done and so I am holding out for all the dreams to come true.

Perhaps call a very old friend who knows you very well for a big rant, who can sometimes provide some very good insights. Hope you feel better soon

poddle911

LaraHoust wrote: »

I still really believe that it can be done and so I am holding out for all the dreams to come true.

Bravo Lara! I think you've put it really well - we almost lost sight of the fact that it's a super exciting opportunity and one that your OH wants to share with you!

Dinah93

Its only an exciting oppertunity if Tete decides its what she wants, otherwise its something she feels obligated to do to please him. Its just a matter of working out if its just nerves, or whether the timing isn't right right now.

Cinny91

Sorry you're feeling so blue Tete! I won't put my two pence worth down, not only because I wouldn't know where to start but also because it's something you need to talk straight out about with your OH and not have other peoples thoughts in your head for. I really do hope it all goes well though - and you never know, your OH might be putting up an super excited front just because he thinks you're really excited, but have a couple niggles over it too.

Sending a dodgy hug though because I think you could do with one! :grouphug: (you can pretend it's two Alan Bennetts if you like )

Tete_en_l'Air

Argh, I've just spent half an hour multiquoting and responding and I got to the very end and instead of backspacing, it went back a page on the browser and I lost it all Do I have the energy to start again??

OK. *Deep breath* Thank you girls for your thought-out replies, looking through them and replying to what you've said has helped me get things straight in my head, and I'm feeling a lot better for it.

Birdie -

Would being married make the application go more in your favour?
I don't actually know, but I don't think so for some reason, will be worth finding out though (not to bribe him, just to know!!)

Do you have any ideas of his stance on the marriage and kids thing?
Not really, ridiculous as it sounds! He moans about his sisters' kids, but he loves them really and is great with them so I'm not really sure if it's just a mild moan or what!

Dinah -

You say some things like you've never had the future talk? You've been with him a long time
I know I know. At the start of the relationship I wanted to keep it quite laidback and casual as I wasn't sure how I felt, and suddenly we've been together over 2 years and still haven't spoken about it.

It makes me really sad to hear you say you're afraid of what he'll say
I guess it's just that we're so great together, I imagine everyone thinks this but I really feel we have it much better than most couples, I guess I've been putting off rocking the boat by getting into this.

No you can't live your life for other people, but they're your people, and important to you, and its natural to worry about them, especially your grandma. As you know when it came to me actually looking for jobs in Ireland and it became less romantic and abstract and more real I just couldn't do it, I couldn't leave my family.
It's not so much that I can't leave my family behind, I just don't want to leave them in the lurch - but the more I think about this the less I think that'll be the case.

On a more practical note, I know he's in an in demand job that would enable him to get a visa, but are you? One of my friends ... their relationship wasn't recognised as despite living together 3 years they weren't counted as a unit or some such thing.
No I'm not, though I could teach languages if I really wanted to. As far as I'm aware the type of relationship has nothing to do with it, he could take his best friend if he wanted as long as he signs the forms to say he'll 'sponsor' him and he won't end up a burden on their system.

Getting even more practical, you haven't even lived with him.
Well exactly, this is part of the reason I want to wait!

Has he mentioned that he is aware it is harder for you than him. You sound like you have more people you are close to, and without meaning to make assumptions, you come across as quite quiet and shy whereas you paint a much more outgoing picture of him.
Yes he has (he's great you know, I know I probably whinge on about him all the time), although he's not that close to his parents or sisters, he was very close to his late gran so he knows exactly how I feel about that. I'm shy in some situations but I'm really quite brave when it comes to it!

Are you coming to class tonight or speaking to him? I really think you need to speak to him asap as you'll be a bag of nerves until you do.
Nah I'm coming, it's the last one and I have some questions I want to ask. I'm feeling much better about this now so it will wait til tomorrow.

Poddle -

as long as you're both on the same page a rough plan is all you need. Me and OH are 'tied down' with a mortgage and cat, but we're still planning on travelling or moving abroad for a couple of years. I don't know when exactly, but we both want it so we'll make it happen if it's the right thing to do.
Thanks, this made me feel better. I'm maybe stumbling because I had an idea in my head of the order things would happen, but as long as we both want all the things, it doesn't really matter when they happen does it?

Just remember, there's not much in this world that's permanent - you could emigrate and come back in a couple of years to get married and start a family or you could live happily ever after and not come back.
Well exactly, we'll always be British and they're not going to lock the door behind us are they? That said I don't want to wait til I'm 35 to get married!

PS. Have you managed to get a little bit excited about pay day?
Yes! I've done the Pay Day Shuffle and felt instantly better about everything!

Lara -

I would find it very hard to commit to emigrating to a country I hadn't visited (at least multiple times).
Good point, which is why it may be an idea to put off moving there but have a holiday in the meantime...

But I would be so excited to move to another country with my partner for 1 - 2 years for an adventure.
Thanks, I think I need to remember that this is an adventure, not something to be getting chewed about!

It doesn't have to be a big all or nothing decision that puts you into conflict with your OH, it can be a process where you make new options together.
Thank you for this x

I wouldn't be worried about telling him you would have liked to be married - at the end of the day it's a massive compliment.
Yeah it is isn't it?!

I find it hard to talk about the future as I seem to want a bit of everything - to be a big PhD, to have lived abroad, to have a great career, and also to have two lovely children and potter about in a home I enjoy. I still really believe that it can be done and so I am holding out for all the dreams to come true.
That doesn't sound like too much to ask, I'm sure you can make it work Lara!

Cinny -

Sorry you're feeling so blue Tete! I won't put my two pence worth down, not only because I wouldn't know where to start but also because it's something you need to talk straight out about with your OH and not have other peoples thoughts in your head for.
Cinny you are so wise sometimes it's hard for me to believe you're so young! Hey you're not one of these old men posing as a teenage girl are you?!?! Thanks for the Alan Bennett imagery, may have to rethink my crush!

Phew, I think that's about what I said the first time around. It's been like a therapy session actually, I feel a lot lighter for it!

I've worked out my feelings more or less, I DO want to do it, it's so exciting. I Just have other things on my agenda too, that OH possibly isn't aware of - my fault. I can only speak to him and see what he says, I may be worrying about nothing or I may not, but I can only cross that bridge when I come to it. That sounds healthy doesn't it?

Fingers crossed this posts ok now...

Cinny91

Tete_en_l'Air wrote: »

I'm really quite brave when it comes to it!

I think you're VERY brave! And thats just because you got a fringe cut in a while back!

Tete_en_l'Air wrote: »

Hey you're not one of these old men posing as a teenage girl are you?!?!

*sighs* You caught me. My name isn't Kate.. it's Colin :sad:

But I am very wise! That's mainly because on here I can delete my goofy comments before I post them, I'm actually pretty ditsy!

Sounds like you've got your head straight now, which is a much better frame of mind for a serious talk with your Mister! I'm all excited for you being excited about the maybe thought of becoming an Aussie now!! (ooh, confusing!)

Dinah93

I think Lara raises a good point though, you really need to visit the country before you agree to move there! I really think a good and sensible compromise would be agreeing to go next year or the one after, go for an aus holiday in the meantime, and rent somewhere together for a year before you go. A friend of mine emigrated to Canada last month and she's been suprised on how much pressure it put on the two of them, I think she kind of thought life would become one long holiday, but their savings ran out quickly before they found jobs, finding a new place to live, learning how things are done there has put pressure on them. She's loving the country, but has commented that she thought things would be more relaxed and actually they're more stressfull atm than they were back home. She just got a job though so hopefully things will settle down, its always going to be a big move.