Some advice re the mother in law.

seven-day-weekend

My take on it.

You live in her house. For nothing.

YOU charge HER a huge amount of money for food. I personally don't think she should pay anything. You are living rent-free, CT-free, utility bills-free. Surely you could do your bit by cooking for her for nothing?

This lady works full time, earns her own money, subsidises you and her son, provides you with a home.....surely if she wants to eat pizzas and cream cakes that is entirely up to her. So is how often she cleans her house. If you think it should be cleaner, you clean it.

I would not like the death trap fire hazard in the attic either.

I personally think you are a pair of ungrateful so-and-sos.

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My take on it.

You live in her house. For nothing.

YOU charge HER a huge amount of money for food. I personally don't think she should pay anything. You are living rent-free, CT-free, utility bills-free. Surely you could do your bit by cooking for her for nothing?

This lady works full time, earns her own money, subsidises you and her son, provides you with a home.....surely if she wants to eat pizzas and cream cakes that is entirely up to her. So is how often she cleans her house. If you think it should be cleaner, you clean it.

I would not like the death trap fire hazard in the attic either.

I personally think you are a pair of ungrateful so-and-sos.

Quite frankly, if she wants to dance around naked at 3 in the afternoon with a rose beteween her teeth and singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow...........it's her house

Lara44

Quite stunned to read your post OP. I don't know if it's just the translation to text, but you do come across as being very ungrateful. You seem to be completely focussed on your own needs and point of view, and not thinking about your OH Mum at all. If you just meant the post as a rant, that's cool - we all need to let off steam.

Otherwise I agree with the other posters that you aren't really showing your MIL respect. It must hurt her to think that you can't stand to share her kitchen, can't stand her food when she has been good enough to accommodate you. It doesn't matter that you paid for her son - that's nothing to do with her, and it was your own decision.

I echo the point that £40 is a budget for 2 a week with snacks, and I do feel absolutely that you are taking the mickey when you say she's getting a great deal. if she has come home with processed foods and cakes it's probably to show you that she wants you to work these into the new menu. If she wants a pizza once a week, so what? That's a small sacrifice to make. Would it really hurt to buy her a cream cake and a box of pringles a week? It would be £2 or £3 well spent, especially considering she seems to be subsidising you.

Sounds like you need to get out of there though. I think you need to take any job you can and get rental accommodation asap. Good luck!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

How does your MIL get to the school where she works? The majority of teachers I know (including the ones in my family) all drive. Very few walk and fewer still get to school for 8.00am by means of flight. They also tend towards being punctual; an unreliable teacher doesn't stay a teacher for long, certainly not into middle age.

Perhaps if one or both of you were to get up early and travel in with her, you would stand a chance of being employable? I see your BF volunteers - fair enough - but what about you?

Schools usually need cleaners and dinner ladies, there are often after school clubs needing staff, volunteer working in Nursery is better than sitting in an attic.

Commuter towns near Cardiff usually have a few people commuting into Cardiff. Some of them would like cleaners/dog walkers/gardeners/handymen, who could start work after the bus runs, walk or travel in with their MILs.

Then there is the obvious - get in touch with your old employers and explain that, as your P45 has gone missing, the DSS/new employer says they need to provide a letter confirming the same information the P45 contained (Name, NI number, Tax Code, Total Pay, Date of Leaving, etc). I would be surprised if this is beyond the scope of an employer's expertise.

I would be careful that she isn't trying to use the teacher technique of trying to ignore the negative behaviour (living in the attic, not coming out, pulling faces at table manners/kitchen condition, not taking steps to ensure that you are able to stand on your own two feet, etc) in the hope that something positive will jump out in front of her so she can draw attention to it!

Or - shocking idea, perhaps - what about a PGCE? Try becoming a teacher and seeing how hard the work actually is. Maybe then you would feel less stressed by her coming in late (parents' evenings, planning meetings, PTAs, clubs, a social life) and wouldn't be getting deeper into this rut with every day.

You are in danger of demonstrating a case of learned helplessness. You are going to have to be proactive in your approach, or next thing you'll know, you'll be 30 and still in the attic.

seven-day-weekend

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

....next thing you'll know, you'll be 30 and still in the attic.

My son IS nearly 30 and still in the attic!:eek::rotfl::rotfl:

Savvy_Sue

Don't have time to read all the posts, but as well as local council housing, find out about local housing associations. You may need to have a 'local connection' to any areas you want to apply to, and it may be a common signing up process for both local councils and local housing associations.

myothercarisaferrari

Get a bus, walk, cycle. I recently moved down south to live with a relative with no transport in a small village and got a job within a week. I walked 3 miles each way and back in the dark and the rain.

It is difficult moving in with family, but I abide by her rules. I took my dogs with me and iI clean the garden and hoover and mop the floors everyday, as well as doing ehr washing and do my fair share of cooking. We both work full time.

OP, what area do you want to move to? Please PM and i will find you info about LHA (I have applied recently) and flats to live in.

thanks

13Kent

Sounds like you all need some space from each other. Having lived with lodgers in my house (admittedly not family) sometimes the last thing you want is to go home after a hard day at work and know that someone else is there - especially when you have been used to being on your own. Sometimes you just need your own space - no matter how nice the people are that are lodging with you.

Maybe you and your OH could have one or two evenings a week when you are not in the house when she gets home - a bit of space might diffuse everyone's stress, and going out somewhere - I appreciate money is tight, but maybe an evening class, or volunteer work in a local youth centre, or maybe to a leisure centre for a swim or an aerobics class or something similar - exercise will help with your stress, and maybe you will meet some friends who will help you focus on something other than life within those four walls.

I agree with other posters about the cooking in the attic thing - sounds dangerous to me, you could be putting all of you at risk.

I think doing your share of the housework - and maybe her share too ! - is the least you can do when you are living rent free, especially when she is out at work all day - it must be lovely to come home and find everywhere clean and tidy.

I'm a bit confused as to whether you are receiving any benefits or not, but you might be able to earn some cash and meet others by doing things like dog walking, or taking in ironing perhaps - maybe your MIL will have colleagues who are busy teachers who would appreciate someone doing that - I heard of a school who during an OFSTED inspection sourced things like cheap ironing services to help out stressed and busy staff during that time!

Getting out and about and meeting people may end up with someone who knows someone who has got a job vacancy, or needs a lodger - you never know! It is hard to get out and about sometimes when you suffer from anxiety, but it can get harder and harder if you don't make the effort, and giving the MIL a bit of space in her own house might make life happier for everyone.

Good Luck!