Some advice re the mother in law.

culpepper

Her problem with cooking in the attic may be worry about fire hazards.
£40 a week is a generous amount to pay for one persons food,especially as it is part of a larger amount each time. Many families are able to eat well on less than that for 4.
I think if she comes home with shopping for her self and then doesnt pay the agreed amount for food, you would need to ask her if she is not wanting the next weeks food cooked as she hasnt given you the money arranged. After all from her point of view,you were able to make enough for the two of you without her contribution but she cant have it both ways.
You need to be a bit more interactive with her if her chanting is stressful, maybe start a little chant of your own over the top, on the lines of ' food is coming ,good and hot,when its bubbled in the pot'. She will soon get the message.
For doggy feeds it could be she is finding she has too much and rather than letting it waste is giving it to the pets. It may be she is glancing at you to see if you mind . You could always ask if you are giving a bit too much when she does it or wether she might like a potato next time, rather than rice .
I do agree with a previous poster, your OH's rent was not her problem or responsibility,you are the couple not she and he and if you and he were not living together at the time, you are HIS generous benefactor but not his MUMS.
As far as eating times are concerned. Stick to your times and if she is not there,plate up her meal and put it ready to microwave when she gets in. Then if she is home and doesnt eat it, freeze it for another time .It will be just like her frozen ready meals but much healthier.

pusscat

I can't decide if you are a wind up merchant or not.......

Are you are seriously saying that your MIL

Lets you live rent free
Charges you nothing for bills
Does the majority of the chores
Works full time
Pays half the food bills for 3 of you

And you in return

Are aggressive to her
Criticise her hygiene standards
refuse to let her have any more food than you think she deserves
Slag her off on an internet forum
Are unemployed and still only manage to do a very small amount of chores

Please tell me you are joking......

It sounds like you are treating your MIL's house like a student flatshare - the only difference being is that you do not pay a penny for being there. Criticising housemates is fair enough - when you all contribute equally and have to live together. Criticising someone who has gone out of their way to help you is just not on.

Puss

Errata

Are you serious ? You're a graduate and don't know how to go about renting a flat ?

DevilsAdvocate1

I am the only one that thinks that £40 a week for 1 person is a huge amount. I think MIL is being ripped off here. My weekly budget for a family of 5 (2 adults and 3 boys with big appetites) is £70.

And if it was my home, I would not be happy with someone cooking in my attic either. Whether justified or not I would be worried about a fire.

Perhaps you should accept £20 a week and let her spend the other £20 how she sees fit. Even £20 is generous. Or perhaps you should cook for fee in lieu of the rent free accomodation you have?

D.

PienMash_2

I have never laughed at anything how hard. I presume this is a total wind up - you are GRADUATES and you're living in a s0dding atic and whining and obssesing over anal meal plans.

Listen carefully...turn off the PC, forget about the bl00dy meal plans and GET UP OFF YOUR b0ttoms and fiind a job. Why the he11 are you signing on?

What did you do at university stare at the walls for three/four years? Why should I have to pay for you to be living in DSS flats when you've been to university.

Leave the MIL alone - get out of her house, get a job and stop listing what the poor c0w has spent her at the supermarket - her wages, she can buy a thousand cream cakes if she wants to.

I still can't believe I am responding to this - thanks for giving me a good belly laugh though

ariarnia

Thank you to everyone who's replied. I value that you have all taken the time to give me other opinions and I particularly value that two people have been lovely enough to take the time to send me lovely PM's offering me help and advice.

I know not everyone is going to agree with anything all the time, and everyone's views have been very interesting.

I definitely think we're going to look at moving out and I'm really wanting to look at moving back to where I know in the north west, as I think a fair bit of the problem is that we don't drive and are very isolated here outside of a commuter town and so have little chance of finding work (as we can't get to most places on public transport until after half nine if nothing else.). I don't see that, realistically, this can happen before Christmas, even if it could, I think she would take offence at us moving out before Christmas anyway, and I don't want to offend.

I never said that I didn't think we had it good here, I just said that, with my own mental hangups that I can't blame on anyone else, I can't cope with the uncertainty of cooking for an unknown time, with an unknown amount of money for a woman who doesn't understand the effect her actions (the chanting thing and the comments that make me feel bad when I don't spend money on toys for my partner) have on me.

That may be a failing of me, I know it's not a failing of her, and I was simply asking for advice on how to change the situation (that I don't think she thinks of as a situation) so I can cope without making it sound like it's her fault.

brians_daughter

urm... just another observation. On your aviator it states your shopping budget is £300 per month... so surely (if you must take money off her) then she should only be giving £100 pcm, ie 1/3 of that budget - not £160-£200 pcm (depending on how many 'food pay days' there are in the month) she is currently giving/not giving you?

If my MIL would let me stay with her rent free and give me £40 per week to cook for her i would be bathing her bunnions every evening- not to mention doing all the housework i could muster whilst she was at work!

Errata

I can't cope with the uncertainty of cooking for an unknown time, with an unknown amount of money for a woman who doesn't understand the effect her actions (the chanting thing and the comments that make me feel bad when I don't spend money on toys for my partner) have on me.

Sounds like you perhaps need to consider some therapy and learn tolerance.

celyn90

I must admit I'm a bit confused here. You said that you paid £6000 in rent to support (presumably yourself and) her son. Did you pay it to her or were you living elsewhere? If you weren't paying it to her I can't see how you can expect her to subsidise you now because your OH wasn't bringing in money then. Thta's between you and him, not you and his mother. She might be his mother, but neither of you are children and a partnership should be that - a partnership - not a bean counting exercise as who gave what and when and you certainly shouldn't be expecting the mother of a grown man to be paying off some debt you think you are owed by him.

I think she is doing you a favor letting you live in *her* house rent free. You say you don't feel obligated, but I think you should - regardless of what you paid before. If you aren't working, you both should be doing all of the housework without expecting any recompense - that is the very least you can both do. Regardless of how much volunteering your OH is doing, let him take some of the weight off you

I understand your frustration with the food, but I also don't think you can expect her to change her habits no matter what you think. If you have an issue, just cook for the two of you and don't take the money. It will be hard, but I don't think you are easily going to find common ground on this one.

I'm a dreadfully picky eater - I change my mind all the time as to what I want eat and when and it would take a brave person to cook for me. It's not that I would be ungrateful - although I would feel it - I simply sometimes can't eat what I am given if I haven't had a choice in the matter - and I wouldn't be able to make that choice days in advance (see my failures meal planning!). I'm not defending her absolutely here, I have the same failing (and I know it's a failing) and I'm simply trying to show you some people are different in how they approach food and mealtimes.

I agree the stomping would drive me crazy - you obvuiously have much more tolerance than I do! How do you deal with it? Maybe if she is hungry, you can have some fairy cakes made somewhere and could send her off with a bun and a cuppa whilst you finish up in the kitchen. Talk to her, ask her how her day was, change the subject, give her something to do to help like get her to lay the table. The game comment was low though - well done for biting your tounge.

If you need advice as to how to make the food budget go further, why not come over to the OS board and pick up some tips on batch cooking and freezing. If she doesn't eat her portion, for example, and wants her pizza, don't fight it, let her eat what she wants and freeze her portion for another day. It might also take the stress off you a bit to have some blocks in the freezer ready to pull out at short notice. It's about choosing your battles.

As an aside - if you think she has SAD have you tried screwing in daylight bulbs They may help her moods a bit without her even knowing

I wish you the very best of luck in finding some common ground and hope you find some way of settling this that you are all happy with, cel x

kiddy_guy

Can I just ask, why have you not spoken to the OH about the MIL?