Some advice re the mother in law.

nic_santorini

OMG - What hell!!! She needs a boot up the !!!! - excuse my french how bloody dare she. It made me angry reading this. My MIL stayed for 5 days at our house when other half was away and she made me so anxious I could not sleep thinking about ways to say 'get out of my house'. By day 3 or 4 can't remember which, I came down in the morning and just said, I am sorry this is not working out, I am really stressed in my own house, can you leave please and she stormed upstairs crying like a baby phoning my husband abroad stating what a horrible person i was. Hubby phoned me - I explained and he had two choices mummy or me and like a good boy he chose me but my god, she stormed out and left. We made up and now I have really clear set boundaries and she has now never stayed for more than 1 day touch wood. Although she still does ask for money!!! and I say NO. I feel for you, but I would say the cooking thing is not working out for you, it is really stressing you out and you will go back to your original arrangement of cooking for your partner and you only. In the meantime, is there anywhere else you can go? It sounds like a nightmare and that you are sleeping in an inconverted loft space which is probably a fire hazzard and against all regs too.

BitterAndTwisted

McKneff wrote: »

Find somewhere else to live.
As things are its a nightmare.

As the OP has explained, that is absolutely not possible at the moment.

OP, I think you have to gently explain that if you've got your meal-plan for the week then any stupid cream cakes or any other carp she brings into the house will NOT be acceptable as part of the £40 a week meal-deal. Even a moron could understand that

Brecon_Beacons

I think she wants her house, and her freedoms, back!

Sorry but I don't see it as some 'unreasonable' woman making your life hell. I see it from the other side - a woman who had her own house, her own lifestyle that she is happy with, being suddenly landed with a 'boomerang' grown-up son, plus partner. She is probably totally fed up - and showing it! So take the hint!

I have to agree with the previous post... it simply isn't your place to be huffing about her housekeeping or eating arrangements. And although I have every sympathy with your lack of family or finances to fall back on, well....welcome to the adult world. Life is hard.

You are in your mid-twenties, I would guess. Time to stand on your own two feet! There are two of you, fit, well-educated, adults. Get out there and find something of your own! Or you will be permanently trapped in the regressive world of the sulky teenager expecting a living off of someone else.

ariarnia

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Ariarnia, I was not being flip. If you value your relationship with your OH, you need to get yourself out at least for the time being. I cannot see you taking it for too much longer and I can see it boiling over against your OH. You need to plan your way to a job which brings in some money and take it from there

We have had more than a few arguments about it because she spoils him rotten and doesn't understand why I don't.

My OH plays with me sometimes about wanting thing (you know what I mean, asking for things he doesn't actually want as a joke - we both know it's a joke and it's never done seriously) She's actually asked why he couldn't buy the new call of duty game, when I said we didn't have the money she said to buy it with the £40 she gave me for the food. :rolleyes:

I just don't know how/where to move out to. I've worked a fair bit, but can't get interviews (even for temp work) and she's in a ridiculously expensive area (commuter town for Cardiff) so can't afford to rent locally, plus I don't know how to find somewhere to rent further away. I don't drive, and so can't do viewings really, and have limited money for deposit and rent in advance.

Can I apply for LHA and get it approved before moving into somewhere? if so I can get a paper bond and start looking up north (where I'm from) as rents always seemed lower Manchester way.

We wouldn't mind sharing, but just don't know how to do it.

ariarnia

Brecon_Beacons wrote: »

I think she wants her house, and her freedoms, back!

Sorry but I don't see it as some 'unreasonable' woman making your life hell. I see it from the other side - a woman who had her own house, her own lifestyle that she is happy with, being suddenly landed with a 'boomerang' grown-up son, plus partner. She is probably totally fed up - and showing it! So take the hint!

I have to agree with the previous post... it simply isn't your place to be huffing about her housekeeping or eating arrangements. And although I have every sympathy with your lack of family or finances to fall back on, well....welcome to the adult world. Life is hard.

You are in your mid-twenties, I would guess. Time to stand on your own two feet! There are two of you, fit, well-educated, adults. Get out there and find something of your own! Or you will be permanently trapped in the regressive world of the sulky teenager expecting a living off of someone else.

I don't think she's unreasonable either, I think the meal thing isn't working for me, she finds it convenient to come home to cooked food and also wants snacks out of her £40 - an unrealistic expectation from the money she's paying.

Whenever I came over to visit for Christmas or in the summer I cooked at her request and never asked for any money, I can't afford to do that on one set of JSA and don't really see why I should.

She wanted us to move in and actively hampered us finding alternative accommodation as she thinks it's a waste for us to rent when she can give us a room. I have no real problems living here, I have problems cooking for a third person that can't be relied on to be constant.

I have a limited budget (more limited this week) and can't afford for food to go to waste or be hovered up at short notice.

BitterAndTwisted

You can apply for LHA and there's some way of applying to the local authority to provide a deposit but I'm not clear on the details but what's troublesome is how you might be able to afford to pay utility bills and the like on £64 a week each. Perhaps there's a nice couple somewhere who could do with a couple of lodgers to help with the mortgage payments

zzzLazyDaisy

I am glad you are not living in my house!

You are not paying rent, you don't mention making any contribution towards bills, you criticise the state of her kitchen yet you are both unemployed while she is out working, and you say that you are charging her £40 a week for her share of the food - thats £120 a week to feed three people (assuming you are both each also chipping in the same amount of money) which seems like a huge amount - unless her contribution is subsidising your food too, as you are on jsa?

Perhaps you would be best getting a room in a shared house and claiming LHA for the rent, at least you would have your own space, and would only have to budget for food and bills for the two of you (and your MIL would get her home to herself again...)

EDIT - cross posted

ariarnia

If so and if they're reading this

Hello, I am a nice person. I'm 24, a bit of a loner. Don't have noisy music or so on (have wireless headphones) do have an OH. And a cat. Cat is also lovely.

Please feel free to pm me - you are lovely.

I can afford to pay you the LHA amount for your area, plus we can prob find another £20 a month, would like 2 rooms and no communal areas ideally (apart from bathroom of course), but would be ok with one if big and access to a communal area. Also willing to do housework and cook if in contract to supliment rent.

Anywhere in the uk, ireland or scotland accepted. Public transport links prefered as we have no car and can't drive.

(not being flip, you never know.)

On a more practical note, other than gumtree, where do people advertise for lodgers, and how expensive are they in relation to flats?

ariarnia

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I am glad you are not living in my house!

You are not paying rent, you don't mention making any contribution towards bills, you criticise the state of her kitchen yet you are both unemployed while she is out working, and you say that you are charging her £40 a week for her share of the food - thats £120 a week to feed three people (assuming you are both each also chipping in the same amount of money) which seems like a huge amount - unless her contribution is subsidising your food too, as you are on jsa?

Perhaps you would be best getting a room in a shared house and claiming LHA for the rent, at least you would have your own space, and would only have to budget for food and bills for the two of you (and your MIL would get her home to herself again...)

I pay the phone bill, internet, and paid over £6000 pounds in rent alone with her full knowledge and appreciation when her son graduated and didn't want to go home.

As I said before, she wanted us to move in and whenever I talk about moving out when we/I get jobs I get told that that would be a stupid thing to do and that we should stay here for a couple of years and save for a deposit.

I did say one of the reasons that I was up for the idea of cooking for her was that it would cut our personal food bills down, and she would benefit from hot food and pots done the moment she walked in from work.

DVardysShadow

ariarnia wrote: »

We have had more than a few arguments about it because she spoils him rotten and doesn't understand why I don't.

My OH plays with me sometimes about wanting thing (you know what I mean, asking for things he doesn't actually want as a joke - we both know it's a joke and it's never done seriously) She's actually asked why he couldn't buy the new call of duty game, when I said we didn't have the money she said to buy it with the £40 she gave me for the food. :rolleyes:

Keep your humour!

I just don't know how/where to move out to. I've worked a fair bit, but can't get interviews (even for temp work) and she's in a ridiculously expensive area (commuter town for Cardiff) so can't afford to rent locally, plus I don't know how to find somewhere to rent further away. I don't drive, and so can't do viewings really, and have limited money for deposit and rent in advance.

Can I apply for LHA and get it approved before moving into somewhere? if so I can get a paper bond and start looking up north (where I'm from) as rents always seemed lower Manchester way.

We wouldn't mind sharing, but just don't know how to do it.

Your first problem is cash, I think. Rolling up enough cash to be able to make a move out. Then when you have enough cash, it is to find the next thing. Plan, plan, plan and investigate. If you keep yourself occupied with your escape plan, the rest of it will become more bearable.