Some advice re the mother in law.

thorsoak

ariarnia wrote: »

I was simply asking for advice on how to change the situation (that I don't think she thinks of as a situation)

Had you considered that maybe - just maybe - your mother-in-law is as heartily sick of the situation as you are? I know that if I had living with me one of my children plus partner who made it clear that they disapproved of my eating habits/spending habits/housekeeping in my own home, I would be throwing an almighty strop!

It's time to leave your snug little attic - you are, purportedly, two well-educated young people who appear to have been cushioned against reality - its now time to fly the nest and get your own home!

And if you don't know how to go about it - ask Mother in Law to help!

lynzpower

Some great advice on here.

I would also watch yourself OP with how judgemental you are about what she wants to eat. If she wants to eat what you describe as "junk" it really is her choice.

I would also say you know you are effectively ripping her off as you allued that your own food spend is now negligible.

I vam staggered that for someone who is using a slow cooker to cook meals with in the attic :

a) seems to spend a staggering amount on food per week between 3 of you.
b) cant have meal ready for "whenever" after all thats what a slow cooker if for, I get home from work at 5.30 and its done.

I completely agree about the tupperware meals in boxes, after all she can then lift one out in the morning OF HER CHOOSING. If She then chooses she wants a pizza instead then fine. You can have the stew or whatever the next day.

I think you should come over to the Old style board and take some advice about your meal spending, it seems astronomical , unless you basically are trying to pay nothing.

40.00 is FINE for 2 people, a push for 3.

Edited to add- the attic cooking sounds like a deathtrap and would almost certainly invalidate buildings cover. You yourself allude that its rickety with bare boards, imagine the fire spread. I also assume that you use some sort of extension or gang socket, again increasing risk. I am not surprised in the slightest that your MIL didnt want it there is no way Id hav ethat death trap in my home.

Maz

It's not easy when your sprogs have left home, you get your own life back and get used to doing things the way YOU want to, then the sprogs come back and you have lifestyle clashes.

Thing is, that you and OH have re entered her life. Chances are that she has reformed her life to the way she always wanted it or likes it to be, without the normal restrictions that children impose. i.e. you can eat what and when you want, do what you want, when you want without having to be at home for meals at certain set times to accomodate others in the household.

She's got her freedom back to be who she wants, when she wants. It's just as hard an adjustment for her as it is for you.

And, once the kids have left home, you can do all these things and be as random as you like because you no longer have responsibilties. I assume you and your OH are adults and have your own routines and stuff?

She is also an adult and lives her life the way that suits her but it sounds like it doesn't fit in with the way you live your lives.

She's also letting you live in her house, rent free, no contribution to bills etc and actually giving you £40 per week for food.

Why don't you waive the £40 per week contribution and let her sort herself out, foodwise? Sounds like she's coped quite well up to know.

I'd say she can pretty well do what she damned well likes and if you don't like it, then, as non paying guests, you can always move out.

Mojisola

ariarnia wrote: »

As I said before, she wanted us to move in and whenever I talk about moving out when we/I get jobs I get told that that would be a stupid thing to do and that we should stay here for a couple of years and save for a deposit.

It doesn't sound as if the MiL hates having them there and wants them out!

lynnexxxo

Surely the simplest thing to do would be to tell her to keep her money and that you will just do your own cooking. Then go and clean the kitchen and do your cooking in there while she is at work. If she comes in and fancies some of what you have made then give her some. Sure your skint but you can't really grudge her a portion of chilli or curry when you are staying in her house using her electrcity? If there is not millions of it then spin it out with some lentils/tvp/rice/pasta/veg whatever.

You might find next time she comes in with cream cakes she has got you one too!

donquine

OP, you think your MIL is being unreasonable, but actually, so are you. You both have such different attitudes, you're never going to enjoy living together, so you need to look for somewhere else to live. That's what it all boils down to. You need to move out. In the short term, don't take her £40 and don't cook for her. This arrangement doesn't work.

Rents vary dramatically around the country, but as a general rule of thumb, a flatshare can work out as over 50% cheaper than renting a flat in your own right.

Having a cat is a luxury/obstacle you can't afford. Even if you could afford to rent a palace without any benefits, you would struggle to find one you could rent. Hardly any landlords are pet friendly. In your position, I would rehome the cat. It's expensive to keep, you have no money and it's hindering you from getting somewhere to live. Unfortunately, you can't be emotional about this.

You and your OH are both adults now and have been for a long time, so no one owes you any help. Not your mother and certainly not your MIL. She didn't have to take you in. She is doing you a favour. Appreciate it. Yes, she's doing lots of little things that annoy you. But she is also doing one very big thing to help you out. You want your freedom - don't you think she's the same?

You chose to subsidise your OH last year, based on the strength of your relationship at that time. This has nothing to do with his mother. I suggest you stop feeling resentful about that as it has the potential to harm your relationship.

It seems that you want to do something, but aren't actually doing much, just dreaming of a better life. You need to be more proactive. There are loads of flatshare sites like spareroom. You've already mentioned gumtree. Post an ad. Post several. Keep looking for somewhere, but also let somewhere look for you.

What sort of jobs are you applying for? Have you and your OH actually applied for NMW work or are you still hoping for something better in the milkround? By all means, keep looking for graduate work. But also look for a job at McDonalds. Don't be too proud.

Make sure your OH is making as much of an effort as you. Something needs to change and this isn't all on you. You're a partnership. He should be helping.

DVardysShadow

A late thought. There is a chinese word for which the chinese character is a house containing 2 women. I think the word is dischord, or disagreement or something along those lines.

pookienoodle

Ariarnia,
did you say you are near Cardiff?
If so there are lots of places to rent in Cardiff and the Vale that are very cheap and well served by public transport.
but if you feel you want to stay why not try a different tack.
Instead of your MIL giving you money for food ask if she can shop for you and give her a shopping list.
then if she buys any extras it will be after she has provided the basics.
saying that I agree with others £40 a week is a lot of money for one persons food budget,for that amount you should provide her with plenty of snacks.
Do you contribute to any bills at all(gas/electric?) as you seem to have a good deal paying no rent.
As mother in laws go she sounds O.K,my MIL although a wonderful,generous person can be very controlling.
you have to learn to accept the things about her you don't like,just the same as she must do for you.
good luck and happy job hunting.

Morglin

Find out what benefits you may be entitled to, or find a job.

Then, find a home of your own and the problem is solved - living with relatives is a guaranteed wind up, and trivia, such as who eats what and how much they have paid, becomes a war of attrition, as your post shows.

Lin

Craftyscholar

ariarnia wrote: »

I definitely think we're going to look at moving out and I'm really wanting to look at moving back to where I know in the north west, as I think a fair bit of the problem is that we don't drive and are very isolated here outside of a commuter town and so have little chance of finding work (as we can't get to most places on public transport until after half nine if nothing else.). I don't see that, realistically, this can happen before Christmas, even if it could, I think she would take offence at us moving out before Christmas anyway, and I don't want to offend.

Well in that case I don't understand why you agreed that moving in with her was a good idea in the first place.
Surely you should have been looking for your first rung on the employment ladder wherever in the country you could find work.