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Some advice re the mother in law.
ariarnia
Posts: 4,225 Forumite
I know it's fairly typical, but I'm having some difficulty with the MIL. It's a bit long and more than a bit ranty - sorry.
We had to move in with her when I was made redundant and graduated from uni (my employers kindly scheduled those things together to make it easier on me). To be clear I don't feel particularly obligated regards this as, even though we don't pay rent, I paid full rent for her son (my OH) for 14 months at £440 a month plus feeding him as he graduated the year before me and hasn't found a job yet (he's been volunteering 16 hours a week to his credit) so I won't feel particularly obligated until 14 months have passed given I don't have the freedom or space that I would have in private rented accommodation.
While I am grateful that she gives us space in her house. I'm not sure it's working out in the details and don't know how to raise this.
To set the scene, we moved in at the start of September. I didn't want to, but I couldn't organise a dss flat (I've never done it before and no one seems to want dss and a cat!). My mother also doesn't own any property and doesn't live in this country (she rents at £5 a week in Indonesia living off a private pension of £150 a month and she can't afford to move back to the uk or help me).
We're in the attic. It's an unheated, semi converted attic with bare boards, little or no insulation and that's more than half full of boxes - but it's better than the streets yes?
When we moved in, I set up an area upstairs to cook in with my slow cooker, microwave, kettle and toaster (all we really need after a student flat). I had my own freezer and drink uht milk so don't really need a fridge.
She didn't like that I was cooking upstairs, but to be honest, the kitchens a tip and I don't like walking in there never mind cooking (the floors always sticky, surfaces always full, and her dogs steal food off the counters, she gives them her plates to lick clean).
Diplomatically, I/OH explained how my anxiety meant I much preferred to cook in my own space and that I couldn't really eat the microwave meals/junk food that she lived off as 1. we couldn't afford them and 2. I have allergies (played up for her, but everything now warns it contains nuts)
When we were eating at the same time as her we offered to share our meals. She's a teacher and she would get in when we were cooking most times (especially given the slow cooker keeps meals cooked for a good few hours before they're burnt). She asked one day if I'd cook for her every day (well more along the lines “is it a good idea for me to eat with you every day, if you don't mind, cause it can't be much more expensive and I need to start eating more healthily” leading question type thing)
I was a bit on the spot, but agreed and we established that she would give us £40 a week for food (about half of what we spend feeding the two of us when we’re not strapped for cash, so seemed a reasonable amount) and we would cook for her every day, plus lunch on Sat or Sunday, we would do all the pots and clean the kitchen twice a week (my stipulation to cook in there, but not how it was phrased) and we would hover once a week and my OH would walk the dogs at least once a day while she was at school as well as take her out for a long walk Sat or Sunday to help her stay motivated and loose weight. (all at her request)
We're looking for work (takes less time than working), so to be honest there wasn't too much hardship involved in cooking some extra and doing some chores, and £40 is £5 a meal and that seems reasonable given that's less than she was paying for some of her junk meals and to be honest it means our own spending costs on our food drops to minimal).
Firstly she wouldn't keep to her set time for eating (we agreed 7pm) she either turn up at 6 and actually stomp around like a 5 year old chanting "hungry, hungry, hungry" (she's 50!) while we tried to cook the food for there and then, or she wouldn't turn up until (at one point at 9pm) and similarly chant and bother us until we'd reheated it and presented it to her.
I have tried to bring it up, but apparently she's being funny with the chanting as it's apparently something my partner used to do as a stroppy teenager as it's from a computer game called 'giants'. I do have anxiety issues and issues with confidence, but apparently I'm just not getting the joke when a 50 yr old woman is following me round the kitchen shouting at me that she's hungry and I’m trying to cook (I'm getting upset just typing it)
Secondly she insists on expensive premium foods (microwavable individual portions of rice and so on as sides for a meal rather than flavoured boiled rice.) and anything cheaper or home made with good ingredients gets treated awfully (she picks over it for a while, eats half of it, then puts the other half on the floor, on the plate still, for the dog while looking directly at me then she complains she’s still hungry and helps her self to something out of the fridge (normally something set aside for a complete meal for the 3 of us – last time half a chicken for a stir fry))
Thirdly she snacks on anything she fancies (such as eating 2/3rds of the tuna bake I had left over from a meal and had planned for lunch the next day, because she fancied a snack)
Fourthly she shops. This is actually probably the biggest problem to my mind. She did it today which is probably why I’m so annoyed and posting this. She just came back late from work after going to Mr M’s and spending £40 (meaning she now won’t give me any money for food this week - it was due yesterday as we sign in on wed for jsa and means I can meal plan wed for when jsa comes in about fri).
She bought, in total, 4 tins soup, 3 pizza’s with a use by date of today (when dinner was cooked when she came in and meat has been defrosting for the last 3 days in the fridge for tomorrow and Saturday), 4 cream cakes (2 of which she sat down and ate immediately), 8 muffins with a date of today, 6 tubes of sour cream Pringles (I can’t stand crisps in general and my OH can’t stand sour cream, and she knows this) a one person (very expensive) make your own salad, and 2 boxes of the cereal that only she’s allowed to have (her ‘one treat’). Oh, and a pack of sunflower hearts for the birds.
For £40 that’s ludicrous, and for arbitrarily £40 which mean’s I don’t get food money, appalling! I’m (not out of making a point, but just in general) not going to eat any of that cr*p, wouldn’t have bought it, and don’t see why I should subsidise her dinner so she can eat junk.
That’s maybe 1 days of food and a load of junk!
This isn’t the first time she’s done this, we’ve been here 8 weeks or so and she’s done it 3 or 4 times. She bought a load of stollen the other day as it was apparently cheap and looked nice for us all. I can't eat almonds (stollen’s made with almond oil) my partner never liked nuts (other than praline) and doesn't like anything nutty in general, and she decided she doesn't like it so she left it on the side and when we threw it out (after 3 weeks) had a strop at us that she was going to eat it (it was going blue).
She’s decided before now that she wants us to eat out at a restaurant and offered to pay for the meal, but then later doesn’t give me any money towards her food because she paid for the meal, or because she went away for the weekend (2 days) didn’t give me any for that week, despite the fact that she only missed one meal and one lunch with us.
How do I bring this up? We still do all the housework that we agreed, but it’s costing us a fortune subsidising her expensive tastes, enormous appetite and frivolity. As I posted on another thread, we’re living of £50 a week atm as my employers sent my p45 to my old address and the JC won’t accept that I’m not working anymore until I produce a letter of some sort. She knows this but still insists on expensive junk…
Also, I can’t really talk to her, I feel uncomfortable doing so anyway, and she doesn’t like taking to me because I’m apparently too ‘aggressive’ so she talks about this kind of thing with my OH and he doesn’t like making any firm statements or causing any problems which is why we’re still having these problems. I know her house her rules, but I just want some advice on how to diplomatically (and non-‘aggressively’) change the situation to only cooking for her a couple of days a week, or not cooking for her at all, or keeping the existing arrangements, but her actually sticking to them.
We had to move in with her when I was made redundant and graduated from uni (my employers kindly scheduled those things together to make it easier on me). To be clear I don't feel particularly obligated regards this as, even though we don't pay rent, I paid full rent for her son (my OH) for 14 months at £440 a month plus feeding him as he graduated the year before me and hasn't found a job yet (he's been volunteering 16 hours a week to his credit) so I won't feel particularly obligated until 14 months have passed given I don't have the freedom or space that I would have in private rented accommodation.
While I am grateful that she gives us space in her house. I'm not sure it's working out in the details and don't know how to raise this.
To set the scene, we moved in at the start of September. I didn't want to, but I couldn't organise a dss flat (I've never done it before and no one seems to want dss and a cat!). My mother also doesn't own any property and doesn't live in this country (she rents at £5 a week in Indonesia living off a private pension of £150 a month and she can't afford to move back to the uk or help me).
We're in the attic. It's an unheated, semi converted attic with bare boards, little or no insulation and that's more than half full of boxes - but it's better than the streets yes?
When we moved in, I set up an area upstairs to cook in with my slow cooker, microwave, kettle and toaster (all we really need after a student flat). I had my own freezer and drink uht milk so don't really need a fridge.
She didn't like that I was cooking upstairs, but to be honest, the kitchens a tip and I don't like walking in there never mind cooking (the floors always sticky, surfaces always full, and her dogs steal food off the counters, she gives them her plates to lick clean).
Diplomatically, I/OH explained how my anxiety meant I much preferred to cook in my own space and that I couldn't really eat the microwave meals/junk food that she lived off as 1. we couldn't afford them and 2. I have allergies (played up for her, but everything now warns it contains nuts)
When we were eating at the same time as her we offered to share our meals. She's a teacher and she would get in when we were cooking most times (especially given the slow cooker keeps meals cooked for a good few hours before they're burnt). She asked one day if I'd cook for her every day (well more along the lines “is it a good idea for me to eat with you every day, if you don't mind, cause it can't be much more expensive and I need to start eating more healthily” leading question type thing)
I was a bit on the spot, but agreed and we established that she would give us £40 a week for food (about half of what we spend feeding the two of us when we’re not strapped for cash, so seemed a reasonable amount) and we would cook for her every day, plus lunch on Sat or Sunday, we would do all the pots and clean the kitchen twice a week (my stipulation to cook in there, but not how it was phrased) and we would hover once a week and my OH would walk the dogs at least once a day while she was at school as well as take her out for a long walk Sat or Sunday to help her stay motivated and loose weight. (all at her request)
We're looking for work (takes less time than working), so to be honest there wasn't too much hardship involved in cooking some extra and doing some chores, and £40 is £5 a meal and that seems reasonable given that's less than she was paying for some of her junk meals and to be honest it means our own spending costs on our food drops to minimal).
Firstly she wouldn't keep to her set time for eating (we agreed 7pm) she either turn up at 6 and actually stomp around like a 5 year old chanting "hungry, hungry, hungry" (she's 50!) while we tried to cook the food for there and then, or she wouldn't turn up until (at one point at 9pm) and similarly chant and bother us until we'd reheated it and presented it to her.
I have tried to bring it up, but apparently she's being funny with the chanting as it's apparently something my partner used to do as a stroppy teenager as it's from a computer game called 'giants'. I do have anxiety issues and issues with confidence, but apparently I'm just not getting the joke when a 50 yr old woman is following me round the kitchen shouting at me that she's hungry and I’m trying to cook (I'm getting upset just typing it)
Secondly she insists on expensive premium foods (microwavable individual portions of rice and so on as sides for a meal rather than flavoured boiled rice.) and anything cheaper or home made with good ingredients gets treated awfully (she picks over it for a while, eats half of it, then puts the other half on the floor, on the plate still, for the dog while looking directly at me then she complains she’s still hungry and helps her self to something out of the fridge (normally something set aside for a complete meal for the 3 of us – last time half a chicken for a stir fry))
Thirdly she snacks on anything she fancies (such as eating 2/3rds of the tuna bake I had left over from a meal and had planned for lunch the next day, because she fancied a snack)
Fourthly she shops. This is actually probably the biggest problem to my mind. She did it today which is probably why I’m so annoyed and posting this. She just came back late from work after going to Mr M’s and spending £40 (meaning she now won’t give me any money for food this week - it was due yesterday as we sign in on wed for jsa and means I can meal plan wed for when jsa comes in about fri).
She bought, in total, 4 tins soup, 3 pizza’s with a use by date of today (when dinner was cooked when she came in and meat has been defrosting for the last 3 days in the fridge for tomorrow and Saturday), 4 cream cakes (2 of which she sat down and ate immediately), 8 muffins with a date of today, 6 tubes of sour cream Pringles (I can’t stand crisps in general and my OH can’t stand sour cream, and she knows this) a one person (very expensive) make your own salad, and 2 boxes of the cereal that only she’s allowed to have (her ‘one treat’). Oh, and a pack of sunflower hearts for the birds.
For £40 that’s ludicrous, and for arbitrarily £40 which mean’s I don’t get food money, appalling! I’m (not out of making a point, but just in general) not going to eat any of that cr*p, wouldn’t have bought it, and don’t see why I should subsidise her dinner so she can eat junk.
That’s maybe 1 days of food and a load of junk!
This isn’t the first time she’s done this, we’ve been here 8 weeks or so and she’s done it 3 or 4 times. She bought a load of stollen the other day as it was apparently cheap and looked nice for us all. I can't eat almonds (stollen’s made with almond oil) my partner never liked nuts (other than praline) and doesn't like anything nutty in general, and she decided she doesn't like it so she left it on the side and when we threw it out (after 3 weeks) had a strop at us that she was going to eat it (it was going blue).
She’s decided before now that she wants us to eat out at a restaurant and offered to pay for the meal, but then later doesn’t give me any money towards her food because she paid for the meal, or because she went away for the weekend (2 days) didn’t give me any for that week, despite the fact that she only missed one meal and one lunch with us.
How do I bring this up? We still do all the housework that we agreed, but it’s costing us a fortune subsidising her expensive tastes, enormous appetite and frivolity. As I posted on another thread, we’re living of £50 a week atm as my employers sent my p45 to my old address and the JC won’t accept that I’m not working anymore until I produce a letter of some sort. She knows this but still insists on expensive junk…
Also, I can’t really talk to her, I feel uncomfortable doing so anyway, and she doesn’t like taking to me because I’m apparently too ‘aggressive’ so she talks about this kind of thing with my OH and he doesn’t like making any firm statements or causing any problems which is why we’re still having these problems. I know her house her rules, but I just want some advice on how to diplomatically (and non-‘aggressively’) change the situation to only cooking for her a couple of days a week, or not cooking for her at all, or keeping the existing arrangements, but her actually sticking to them.
Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. Anne Lamott
It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?
Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.
It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?
Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.
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Comments
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You lack ambition. I would want to leave.I just want some advice on how to diplomatically (and non-‘aggressively’) change the situation to only cooking for her a couple of days a week, or not cooking for her at all, or keeping the existing arrangements, but her actually sticking to them.Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0 -
Well, if you're not going to be getting any food-money from her this week you're going to have to serve beans on toast or welsh rarebit for the next week's dinners.
Really, you are both going to have to discuss this calmly with her somehow, perhaps by explaining that as you're all on such a strict budget you're going to have to do meal-plans for the forthcoming week, so four tins of soup and some crisps ain't going to cover it.
You are in a tricky spot, not paying rent puts you under a huge obligation to be as amenable as possible0 -
I would like to find somewhere else to go, but given atm I don't even qualify for JSA (die to p45 issue) and I've never found a flat other than my uni one, I don't know how to.
If people can give me advice on how to find a dss flat that would accept a cat (we're two lovely people and a lovely cat) that would also be fantastic, but I'm somewhat resigned to being here for at least christmas.
And to be fair, this cooking issue is the only one really. I think she's been on her own for too long - single parent to a 'loner' style child that then went to uni 5 yrs ago, and I think she suffers quite badly from SAD.
She's fairly inconsiderate in otherways, but I've just finished sharing a flat with 8 other people and if I wasn't cooking for her, we barely see her (she leaves at 7.30 for work and gets back between 4.30 and 6.30, normally, falling asleep infront of the tv from 9pm onwards)
I think we have a fairly good deal (being rent free and all) but I need to resolve this issue for my nerves.Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. Anne Lamott
It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?
Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.0 -
Find somewhere else to live.
As things are its a nightmare.make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
BitterAndTwisted wrote: »Well, if you're not going to be getting any food-money from her this week you're going to have to serve beans on toast or welsh rarebit for the next week's dinners.
Really, you are both going to have to discuss this calmly with her somehow, perhaps by explaining that as you're all on such a strict budget you're going to have to do meal-plans for the forthcoming week, so four tins of soup and some crisps ain't going to cover it.
You are in a tricky spot, not paying rent puts you under a huge obligation to be as amenable as possible
I keep a meal plan, she knows I do, I run it past her when she can be bothered to listen, but as far as she's concerned she just bought £40 worth of food.
Like today, she knew dinner would be cooked when she came through the door (complete with desert cooked freshly today) yet she came home with pizza and cream cake because she fancied it.
EDIT: to add I've actually got all the food in for this weeks meal plan, she knows that as I never know if they're going to stop our JSA or if she's going to give us any money. I spent my redundancy money filling the freezer and so could live for a month (short bread and milk) should we need to, but I resent paying for her dinner when I can't afford to subsidise another person and she act's like she's doing us a favour getting us cream cakes.Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. Anne Lamott
It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?
Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.0 -
can you go to her and ask if she would like to add some input for the next weeks meals?
see if you can get her involved in what you cook, perhaps she doesn't like what you cook, no offence, i think slow cookers are great not got one but remember mum having one.
Perhaps she's having a midlife crisis?Life is about give and take, if you can't give why should you take?0 -
DVardysShadow wrote: »You lack ambition. I would want to leave.
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
are you sure you're not living with my mum?
more seriously... Tell her that you want to be able to afford some special meals for all of you at Christmas but don't have anything spare in the budget and would like to try using a meal plan to economise for the next few weeks? Use a chinagraph pencil to label the items in the fridge that are intended for specific meals. Mess up occasionally so she can laugh at you and do better than you. IF she comes in with more pringles and the like, praise her for finding such a bargain to help out with the Christmas celebrations and tell her you have a box for putting all the special bits in... you get the picture - if you can get her into better habits for a 'good reason' then hopefully they'll stick afterwardsEat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
48 down, 22 to go
Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...0 -
Ariarnia, I was not being flip. If you value your relationship with your OH, you need to get yourself out at least for the time being. I cannot see you taking it for too much longer and I can see it boiling over against your OH. You need to plan your way to a job which brings in some money and take it from thereHi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0
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can you go to her and ask if she would like to add some input for the next weeks meals?
see if you can get her involved in what you cook, perhaps she doesn't like what you cook, no offence, i think slow cookers are great not got one but remember mum having one.
Perhaps she's having a midlife crisis?
I cook curry and chilli in the slow cooker, and lasagne base. She's told me she likes these things, the rest of what I cook has been dictated by her.
I do run the meals past her and always ask her if she liked them or whatever, but I don't see how her not liking them would explain the junk cream cakes.
If she doesn't like what I cook, why eat with us? we could eat the same time as her if she wanted company, but I can't really afford to keep up these types of meals if she's not contributing anything.
I think she's depressed, used to living alone, and doesn't think about the cost of food. I wanted to add this latest shop to the list for the November challenge (she knows I'm keeping it) but she had no idea how much she'd spent and found me the receipt - I always know roughly ( to the nearest £10) how much I spent an hour ago!
I know it's not all her, and I know it's hard to open up her house to someone else (OH and I have been together for 5 yrs now, so she knows me, but never lived with me before) I just need to make this work.
It's a question of how to say - keep to our agreement and give us £40 a week, or we don't cook for you. We'll keep walking the dogs and doing the house work either way, but anyway I think about it, it just seems rude.Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. Anne Lamott
It's amazing how those with a can-do attitude and willingness to 'pitch in and work' get all the luck, isn't it?
Please consider buying some pet food and giving it to your local food bank collection or animal charity. Animals aren't to blame for the cost of living crisis.0
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