advice about splitting up please!!!!!

Keeping_Motivated

I don't understand why you and the children are not living in the house and him helping YOU pay the bills etc? He should be the one in a tiny room?

I would not be handing money over in cash in his hand and I would be speaking to his parents about the loan not him to see if he is telling you the truth.

onetomany

zoe please dont give him any money untill you have taken legal advice , if anythink it should be the ofer way around you got the kids keep being strong the will be light at the end of the tunnel ive been there

zoesmummy_2006

i didnt want to be in the house, we moved a 45 min bus journey away from my friends and family as when we bought the house it was cheap equity share and a way to get on the ladder. but i left because i needed the support of my friends and family around me and i dont drive so dragging the kids on 2 bus journeys was quite tiring at an already exhausting time.

Viper_7

Having been on the receiving end - although it was my wife that did the dirty - it makes no odds where children are concerned.

you'll come away with the children.
you'll come away with a roof over your head.
you'll come away with him paying maintenance and benefits.

Stay in the house though.... but live seperate lives. If he plays up - it will be him that will be removed.

All based on your comments - which are of course all one sided.

The adultery thing is irrelevant - it's very common and just a reason for divorce. It's just the same as not loving each other anymore. Adultery claims don't have any extra clout etc.

Need legal advice. you may be elegible for legal aid - but if you come out with any money/property then you'll have to pay the costs - solicitors can be very expensive if it's a complicated divorce, the Divorcer can only claim back the court costs - not the legal costs.
Solicitors love divorces!

zoesmummy_2006

theres no money to be had, nothing whatsoever. i hold my hands up to the fact that i probably didnt pay him as much attention as i could have done, but since i've had the kids i did everything for them. while we were together i didnt mind as thats what he wanted, he didnt want me to return to my job saying it wasnt worth the travelling etc so i didnt, plus they werent very flexible with regards to changing my hours as one of my shifts were quite late finishing, too late for the kids to be out, but i had no way of getting home uless he waited at parents with the kids til 9pm to pick me up.
the thing is, even after all this and reading what i've put about how he's behaving and treated me etc i still love him and would try to make our marriage work if he would. he's always said since i started talking divorce that he wouldnt sign the papers if i sent them anyway so i'd be wasting my time. so why if he doesnt want me does he not want a divorce??? surely he'd be wanting to cut all ties to me if he felt that way.
i've always said and will always say, he can see the kids whenever he wants, i'll never stop that as he's their daddy and always will be. i'll never ever regret having the kids with him, but i'll always regret that it came to this.

Keeping_Motivated

He won't sign the papers as he probably wants to keep the control and keep his options open and still have choices BUT remember you have choices too.

Its no wonder you still want him as its not that easy just to switch off your feelings or what you thought was your future. If he has been unhappy for 13 months then he has had time to adjust mentally to this but you are in shock no doubt.

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.

lindsaygalaxy

I am in a similar position to you but 6 weeks down the line. He left though, and although at first it was hard being in the house, after some redecorating and loads of pictures of the kids up I think of it as my house more now. If he really wants the house then tell him to pay the mortgage, otherwise you are happy to sell it to start again.

Personally, I found the first couple of weeks were about denial - I knew it was happening, people were telling me he's crazy etc and part of me just wanted him to turn around and say he was sorry and to try again. Then for the last 4 weeks im angry, really angry (though he is now living with the other women). I find focusing on things to do every day really helps.

As for money, if he wont give you maintenance then go to the CSA, they will deduct some of your income support but allow you to keep £20 of it. If the council wont house you you could rent privetly (though I know in some areas this is hard to find), the council offer a rent guarantee if you cant get the deposit together. Also, you may fin you are much better off financially if you work 16 hours, I know that personally to be in IS makes me a lot worse off than working part-time, plus it will help you meet other people and take your mind off the situation.

As for him seeing you getting back together in the future, keep telling yourself you wont want him back then because you will have found better! The more days that pass the more I believe it to be true, and knowing people who have been in this situation it does come true.

PM me if you need a chat. I too at 26 didnt expect to be a single mum to 2 kids, 1 a very new baby, but they are worth a million times more than him, its his loss.

zoesmummy_2006

thanks, suppose i really ought to be making the most of having the bed to myself and an uninterrupted nights sleep as the soon to be ex inlaws (though that makes me sad as i adore his parents) have the kids for the night!!! no 3.30 wake up call from my gorgeous boy who's teething and no foot/arm acroos the face from my gorgeous fisgety daughter lol!!!
oooh, one last question, when i eventually get a place from the council is there any help i can get with furnishing it etc as now he's decided to stay in the house and take in a lodger he's obviously wanting to keep some of the furniture. and i dont ahve the money to buy all the stuff i'll need to set up, though i'll be trying freecycle for most things x

BARGAINHUNTER!

As you are on such good terms with your in laws can you not pay them your half of the loan directly? That way you will know that the money has gone to them and your conscence will be clear. Leave your ex to sort out his part of the payment to his parents and tell him what you have done.

lindsaygalaxy

There is a voucher scheme I believe where they give you about £200 in Homebase vouchers to redecorate. If you live near me I have some, as when I moved in was already part furnished. Freecycle is great and if there is a garage at your parents I would start looking now. Also around here we have a place where people donate things they dont want like washing machines, sofas etc and they get sold cheaply (but you have to be on benefits to buy it) but always good quality. BUT do make sure you get your half. The one thing I would treat yourself too is a new bed, all yours.

You could get a xmas temp job 16hrs to get the extra tax credits as im sure you get to keep your income support for a certain length of time once you have a job or have a short wait if you have to re-apply(?), somone on the benefits page will know better.