advice about splitting up please!!!!!

zoesmummy_2006

i posted a few weeks back about my hubby walking out saying he needed space and time etc and that he wasnt sure what he wanted anymore. well now i know, and it's not me. i couldnt bear staying in the house that was our home so me and our 2 kids have moved in with my parents and are on the list for council housing. so fingers crossed.
everything has exploded this weekend, my H flipped at me for telling a friend that i feel crap about the whole situation etc and that it wasnt what i wanted, he said that i shouldnt be !!!!!ing about him to his mates and that i should keep my mouth shut or tell people that i'm fine. never gonna happen lol! then i found out the day after, when he took me and the kids back to the house to spenf some time with the dog, that he'd slept with our friends 20 year old sister and had bought her underwear-despite never giving me anything for the kids. this all went crazy, he was telling her that he loved her and wanted to be with her, then telling me that he see's a chance for us in the future. well now he's all alone, this girl has told him where to go, his mate has cut him off completely, the only person he has is me, not that he wants me.
we have a lot of debt together and he's now living in and paying for the house himself, though he's struggling so is looking to take in a lodger. we have a secured loan and a personal loan to his parents among other debts, bith of which i have agreed to pay my half to.
I dont want any of this, i want him me and the kids to be a family, i could forgive him and would be prepared to work at things. to at least try. he says that he's not been happy for about a year (our youngest is 14 months), and we have had discussions about our sex life not being what he wants ie spontanaiety and more often etc, and he kept saying things have to change. we were at it couple times a week mostly, there wasnt very often we went once a week/a week without etc, but apparently that still wasnt enough. but with 2 small kids to run around after all day and get up with in the night with no help from him at all i was exhausted. he says i treated him like a doormat and a paycheck, well my cousin said i made her look like a poor wife as she didnt have tea waiting/bath the kids and get them in bed etc herself, her hubby helps her with it all.
anyway, today he's said that i'm liable for all the joint debt and should be paying half the mortgage still etc, and that if i file for divorce i'll have to pay for it all and then mortgage etc on top.
he says that if i just pay him the £200 a month towards the loans then we can leave it at that and he'll start paying me support for the kids when he's got his money situation sorted. he also said he doesnt want to think divorce etc, he's got enough going on. but while he's saying that i'm left in limbo hoping that he'll change his mind. i'm now on IS and getting tax credits and child benefit. I just dont know where i stand with regards to what he's said and whats the best option. he doesnt want me, he's made that clear, but has been telling me and everyone else that he see's a chance for us in the future-yeah once he's had his fun and realised quite how good he actually had it. also, if i filed for divorce, would i be able to file it on the grounds of adultery as we're still technically married at the min and he slept with this girl last week.
sorry i bet thats all a ramble, my head is all over the place at the min, i have so many questions!!!!

onetomany

u need to get legal advice hun u should be able to get legal aid and yes its still adultry while ur still married sending u a big hug x

zoesmummy_2006

thanks. i thought it was still adultery. he could be in for a bit of a shock there then. his mum said not to rush into anything, to give it some time and he'll prob realise that he's making a mistake. my mate reckons the second i get someone else he'll realise what he's lost. his exact words when he seperated were that he hopes we can be like his uncle and his wife-she left him for 3 years, he looked after the kids and she got her own place and lived her life etc. they then got back together again 18 months ago, when she realised life wasnt better. but i've just had some text telling me that he's driving around town with a blond in his car. i just dont know whats going on and what to believe. he's replied to my text asking him what he wants me to pay etc, and he says just the loans and my mob, and that it'll cost me more to get divorced. which to me smacks of being kept dangling. he himself said theres no going back from divorce.

carolan78

I would go speak to a solicitor and it shouldn't cost you a lot to get a divorce if anything xx

lynzpower

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

thanks. i thought it was still adultery. he could be in for a bit of a shock there then. his mum said not to rush into anything, to give it some time and he'll prob realise that he's making a mistake. my mate reckons the second i get someone else he'll realise what he's lost. his exact words when he seperated were that he hopes we can be like his uncle and his wife-she left him for 3 years, he looked after the kids and she got her own place and lived her life etc. they then got back together again 18 months ago, when she realised life wasnt better. but i've just had some text telling me that he's driving around town with a blond in his car. i just dont know whats going on and what to believe. he's replied to my text asking him what he wants me to pay etc, and he says just the loans and my mob, and that it'll cost me more to get divorced. which to me smacks of being kept dangling. he himself said theres no going back from divorce.

Honey I think it is clear what he wants. If he is willing to say to you he hasnt been happy and is willing to go with other women, well, if this was my marriage it would be OVER, no matter what. He is showing no remorse, and simply holding his hand out for the money ( from the way you tell it)

I would personally see a divorce solicitor, and take advice.Hopefully youll get some great advice here , Im sure you will
Hang in there xx ( higs)

zoesmummy_2006

think i'll make an appointment, if only for some advice. there are a lot that give half hour free etc, just need to find one. this is soooo not what i thought my life wuld turn out like, 29 and a dumped single mum. i went into my marriage thinking it was for life. but i have 2 gorgeous babies and have been told that my hubby is a fool for leaving me so i must be ok looking lol!!!

Kandipandi

It sounds like its a problem of his not yours!
Can I just offer my bit of advice, don't be taken for a mug just because you hope he will take you back - dont agree to anything that will leve you and the kids worse off or struggling for money in the vain hope it will keep him sweet and he will come back.
If he loves you and wants this to work you and the kids will be his first priority anyway - and if you are not, well.......... you can fill in the rest.
Be strong, sending you a (((((hug)))) x

Keeping_Motivated

He has done wrong here not you but he seems to calling all the shots. How much YOU will pay, maybe he will get back with you etc?

Its hard when you love him but you have doing nothing wrong and you need to start taking some control.

First of all I wouldn't be taking divorce or financial advice from him when he is being so manipulative. I would only take that kind of advice from a solicitor then I would make my decisions from there.

Find out exactly what you are entitled to and exactly what you are duty bound to pay, you have the children to look after and pay for so you and them come first then him second.

Take care of yourself this must be horrendous for you but please find out your rights and then be as dignified as you can be. Success is the best revenge and when you are strong that is when he will see you as attractive again.

Take care

onetomany

dont let him play games op hes driving around with a blonde he knows what he wants try to be strong get advice asap

zoesmummy_2006

i will be seeking advice myself. this isnt what i wanted from life, but it's what i've been dealt. he told friends of ours, who after everything he has said and done, now no longer want anything to do with him that he was gonna ask me for my engagement ring back, he got it off ebay and when we had it resized it was valued at £1200-£1500, he paid £200. not a chance is he having that back, its locked away in my bedroom now lol. that, if it comes to divorce etc, is gonna pay for a trip to disneyland paris for me and my babies next summer!! if it puts a smile back on the face of my daughter then i'll consider it money well spent, the poor babe misses her daddy so much, kisses his pictures every night and cries down the phone at him, she's 3 and doesnt understand bless her. luckily my boy is only 1 so doesnt really have any comprehension, though he's been a bit funny about going to daddy when he visits us. I think i'll hopefully feel better when me and the kids have somewhere to call home. we're currently in the smallest bedroom at my parents and i'm sharing a single bed with my daughter and my son is in the cot just a few feet away, whcih is helping none of us sleep. i gave in again and pleaded with him to at least try again etc earlier today so i'm feeling pretty crap. we were together 9 years and married 4. to me thats a lot to just give up on. but he says he wants to be single. the thing bothering me the most is he's asking me for the money to pay his mum and dad their loan payment, yet the other day he told me he was cancelling it. then he's telling me that he might not be able to come to a fireworks display with me and the kids on sat as he's going out. so i'm obviously reluctant to give him the money in case he spends it sat night. that £100 would go towards xmas presents for my kids, so i dont have to worry about buying them when i have somewhere for us to live and bills o pay again. am thinking of not seeing him at all til sunday and giving it to him then, or better still going and paying it into the bank myself. i still have access to the joint account at the min.

zoesmummy_2006

i dont know if he actually is, the person who said that he was is the girl he slept with, who he has treated appallingly too (though she's not innocent either as she knows me and that we were married etc and was at my house for the evening just a few weeks before all this for a bbq with her then boyfriend and our friends). nobody else has actually seen him, that i know of.