Am I being realistic?

duncans-mum_2

Big hugs to you. You sound like a fab mum, please keep telling yourself that. It might make you stronger and have more confidence in what you have to deal with. Unable too add to what all the above posters have said. Having access to the internet is great because you can look for the better deals ie insurance, utility switching etc at your own pace. Try and set yourself on of these targets a night or something. Each time you manage to shave off even a little bit it gives you that motivation to go onto the next task. What you don't ask for, you dont get.
Take Care.

nadnad

Eli, I just wanted to say that I was in a similar position as your daughter - sort of. Mum and me left dad when I was 11 , she went through a couple of "undesirable" relationships and we moved about 10 times in all I would say - things were very up in the air a lot, but as long as I had my mum I was happy, I didn't care where we lived - in fact it was somewhat of an adventure for me back then.

Skip forward 15 years I'm happily married with my own lovely home, and mum is also happily married and in her lovely home.

Things work out - it may not seem like it now but it will be ok.

This house isn't the be all and end all to your daughter - you don't want to put undue pressure on yourself to try and keep a house that is too expensive, your daughter will be much happier and content when you are - i.e. when you feel confident in yourself and that means financially confident as well - at the minute all you're going to worry about is paying the rent on that house and frankly its not worth it. Speak to your daughter explain things to her - she needs to be kept in the loop as well - don't worry her of course but just give her enough info, she'll know if theres something wrong - kids always know!

My advice to you is get a smaller, cheaper house - it'll be a fresh start just you and her with no bad memorys of your ex, and it'll ease the pressure on you.

lynzpower

Hi there Eli

Lovely to have you on board :beer: :welcome:

I talk from professional experience, when I echo what other posters have said. Your daugher may love the house, but its only bricks & mortar. Im not 30 yet and this is my 37th home and it hasnt done me any harm ( apart from a little problem with itchy feet but nothing serious Shes of the age where she can understand some basic numbers, and you sound like you have a good relationship with her, so instead of "pillar to posting her" which im sure you experienced as a youngster, you can have her on board, and have her with you on it, working as a team. Plus youl could say, the house your in has bad vibes and you want a new special place for jsut the two of you. Love is stability.

All the best whatever you decide, but stick around and we'll find you the cheapest deals too, wherever your sleeping

Lots of love
Lynz
x

beanielou

Just wanted to say hi & welcome to MSE.
Great advice from everyone for you
Hope that it all works out for you & keep posting!

nadnad

just another thought - you work 5 miles away - its not that far - have you thought of getting rid of the car? is public transport an option?

you've got the guts of £300 deficit each month - how are you covering that at the minute?

what is your job?

could you work another job as well? maybe in the evenings? when my mum was in this situation she worked her own job plus as a dishwasher in a hotel when we were in difficulties.

gingercordial

You don't say where you live, but if you're near an English language school, could you take in a foreign student? Depending on the course they are only for a few weeks at a time so if you don't like it then it's not as permanent as a lodger, plus you have recourse to the school's accommodation dept if things go wrong rather than having to sort it out yourself with a lodger.

We had students in when I was growing up and I loved it! Meeting all those people from different cultures. Then whilst at uni I temped in an accommodation office at a language school so I know most of them have good procedures for host families. The going rate is I think about £80/week, maybe more, though you do have to feed them on that.

In_Search_Of_Me

Just wanted to send a hug! Agree with most of whats said above; look at reducing utilities and think about moving to cheaper property. What you both need is some financial security and to be able to enjoy the home that you are in rather than a larger house that makes you unhappy. Re your past have you ever had councelling to help you with your past experiences? It is not umcommon for people who have been in the care system to have low self esteem/confidence and as a result have a tendency to pick the wrong type of bloke which just makes the feelings of inadequacy worse and self esteem plummets again. Can you see if you can get some cognitive behavioural thereapy through your GP? This will help you to see why you react in certain ways because of your past & can help you develop strategies for avoiding repeats of destructive behaviour and in addition woul, I think, be a huge boost to your self esteem & confidence. In the meantime try & focus on the huge postives; you are on your own with your daughter, you are not with an abusive partner & you've come here to get some help and advice, lots of which will help you move foreward to a brighter future. Just take it a day at a time....big hugs.

May

Eli

A couple of years ago i went through hard times and my health suffered through worry. It's important that you stay in control without it affecting your health. If you don't want to see the doctor then go to a herbal shop and ask for remedies that deal with stress/ anxiety and depression. It's important that you keep mentally focused in order to deal with whats ahead.
I still suffer now but as i've learnt to recognise the signs, i am able to deal with things in a better way.
You have to stay strong for your daughter. Childrens love is unconditional and i doubt she'll love you any less if you decide to move house.
You haven't failed at anything. You just want to provide for your daughter and there's nothing wrong with that.

Eli_2-2

Thanks for all your wonderfull posts,
I think i need to cry at the mo, afrais if I bottle it up atm I will lose the plot, and I have been there a few times before, I take st johns wort for depression, wont ever go near anti depressants again!! They really mashed me up worse! side effects of anti depressants, is depression !!!!!!!!!!

I work 9-3 5 days a week, plus every other sat, cant work evenings because I have my daughter, have not got any family round here, so no one to look after her.

Ive put in a claim for housing benifit, new claim for wtc ect, but they have stopped it atm, I have given them ex new addy.

I have apllied for single persons council rebate.

Trying to sort water out atm, we had a really high bill which I questioned, so DD was 44 month, but they just sent new bill 80, so DD should go down.
Electric bill is 398, we owed from when we first moved here, that is the final bill to the day he moved out, they said they cant lower it any more than 50

I phoned gas thats going down to 24!

Cant rent room out as not aloud in contract, plus wont get housing benifit, single person council ect.

BUT I am going to look else where for cheaper 2 bed, think its got to be done, the council tax on this place is 1100!!!!

As for food/petrol as ex only left last w/e im still digging through whats what, I can live on a penny (need to lose weight anyway) BUT as long as my daughter is well fed thats what matters.

When I was singlewith DD I got 60 wtc ect, so I guess it will be roughly same, as I am on same sort of wage.

Its a arranged OD which I plan to pay back and get shot of when I get my back pay from housing benifit and wtc.

I know I can get stingey with money for living ect, been there done that!

southernscouser

People may have said this already (sorry haven't read all the replies ) but if all the bills are in his name you aren't obliged to pay them!