Separated - how should things for the kids be split?

Bonnie2009

I think you need to get the Child Support Agency involved. £50 per week is absolutely nothing for two children. Your ex is obviously determined not to contribute a penny apart from the child support he gives you, so you have to make sure he gives you a fair amount.

It's horrific to think of a man denying his child a drink, when he is able to treat himself to trips away. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that, other than try to shame him into decent behaviour.

I would have him visit for Christmas morning for your children's sake, not his. I would tell him what you plan to buy and ask him for 50% contribution. If he doesn't give you anything towards their presents, then I would tell him he is a disgrace and that although he can come to be with the children, you want him to leave as soon as your presents have been opened.

This sort of thing makes me really angry. And whilst I think about it - I don't blame you one bit for reading his emails - he made promises to you when he married you and had children with you and he is the one who broke them. If he led you such a song and dance that you felt you had to read his emails to find out who he was sleeping with, then that's something he has to put up with.

northwest1965

Bonnie2009 wrote: »

I think you need to get the Child Support Agency involved. £50 per week is absolutely nothing for two children. Your ex is obviously determined not to contribute a penny apart from the child support he gives you, so you have to make sure he gives you a fair amount.

It's horrific to think of a man denying his child a drink, when he is able to treat himself to trips away. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that, other than try to shame him into decent behaviour.

I would have him visit for Christmas morning for your children's sake, not his. I would tell him what you plan to buy and ask him for 50% contribution. If he doesn't give you anything towards their presents, then I would tell him he is a disgrace and that although he can come to be with the children, you want him to leave as soon as your presents have been opened.

This sort of thing makes me really angry. And whilst I think about it - I don't blame you one bit for reading his emails - he made promises to you when he married you and had children with you and he is the one who broke them. If he led you such a song and dance that you felt you had to read his emails to find out who he was sleeping with, then that's something he has to put up with.

Disagree totally about him paying 50%. Why should he? Here we buy seperate presents for the kids, what the mother buys stays at her house and what we buy stays here. Its better that way, the kids always have something here to play with.

I agree with the CSA, its so much easier than a private agreement. They have a habit of being broken. Unless of course you areon benefits and you'd get to keep the whole money.

jenhug

santa stops coming in this house the christmas after your 10th birthday. Its how he makes time for all the new babies in the world! This year is my daughters last santa christmas, but my nephews first, so she understands the balance of that.

I would get on with your life as though he wont be helping out. But i'd go through the CSA too,

Zoetoes

Thanks for the replies.

Must explain a few things -

The eldest isn't biologically his, he has brought him up since he was 4 and as far as we are all concerned he is his dad, however, with regards to child support he would only have to pay for the youngest via the CSA. He does say the £50 is for both kids.

The 'snooping' - I don't apologise for, the only reason I knew he was cheating was because I stood at the top of the stairs listening to him talk to her while he thought I was in bed. He denied all that so a couple of nights later when he came in drunk and fell asleep I went through his phone and found the texts that confirmed it.

Little one stayed at his last night (eldest stayed at his friends), it doesn't seem to be an issue when I've got no plans and I sat in on my own but I don't mind because it's important that they have a relationship.

He is off to Lyon on Monday until Thursday night for football, he does ok for someone that doesn't have 50p for a hotdog for his son!

Anyway, I've decided I will manage with everything on my own, it's not that bad, his birthday is In December which I don't have to worry about anymore and that always stressed me out because he'd want something expensive.

Can't pay anything else off the holiday until after Christmas now so between January - July it will be a struggle paying it off but I will do it and I will enjoy it all the more when we are there knowing I did it on my own (he thinks I won't manage to pay it on time). I won't ask him for anything else because it just gives him the satisfaction of saying no!

Oh and I work 3 days a week and receive tax credits.

And so far have not had any problems getting the £50 a week off him.

Knelley

Do you know, after reading through some of the comments on here, I shook my head in shame. I receive £180 a month towards the upkeep of my 2 sons from my ex. I KNOW he should be paying more through the CSA as I have an idea of his wages but why should he? Is it my job to make sure he can't pay his mortgage? Is it my job as the 'ex' to make sure he can't buy anything nice for our boys or take them on trips when he has them? I get by with what we have, it is my JOB as their mother. We settled on an arrangement outwith the CSA getting involved. And before I get blasted here, I know that the CSA have helped people where the ex OH is taking no parental responsibility.

I don't care who is giving what to our sons as long as they get it from one of us. As long as they know that they are loved, that their parents still love them and that their parents, even though they cannot be together, still have a love and respect for each other. This is all that matters in a childs life. To hear people say that you should take your ex for everything they have is just wrong! Oh and I am coming from both ends here. I am the PWC and from the other side where the CSA are involved in our life. If you can make an arrangement that suits you both then please work with that. You are a strong woman and you WILL be able to make it work.

Good luck

x

bestpud

Knelley wrote: »

Do you know, after reading through some of the comments on here, I shook my head in shame. I receive £180 a month towards the upkeep of my 2 sons from my ex. I KNOW he should be paying more through the CSA as I have an idea of his wages but why should he? Is it my job to make sure he can't pay his mortgage? Is it my job as the 'ex' to make sure he can't buy anything nice for our boys or take them on trips when he has them? I get by with what we have, it is my JOB as their mother. We settled on an arrangement outwith the CSA getting involved. And before I get blasted here, I know that the CSA have helped people where the ex OH is taking no parental responsibility.

I don't care who is giving what to our sons as long as they get it from one of us. As long as they know that they are loved, that their parents still love them and that their parents, even though they cannot be together, still have a love and respect for each other. This is all that matters in a childs life. To hear people say that you should take your ex for everything they have is just wrong! Oh and I am coming from both ends here. I am the PWC and from the other side where the CSA are involved in our life. If you can make an arrangement that suits you both then please work with that. You are a strong woman and you WILL be able to make it work.

Good luck

x

Because he is every bit as much the parent as you are!

You don't only get by with what he gives you, as you say yourself he also buys nice things for your boys and takes them on trips. I don't think you'd be half as generous if you were funding those outings out of your CM and buying gifts from both of you!!

You don't care as your sons are getting everything you feel they need. Some are not, and in that case, it is fair to ask the absent parent to pay their share. Taking them for a ride is not right but making them pay a fair proportion of their income to help bring up their child is right.

Love and respect for an ex does not mean allowing them to shirk their responsibilities for the sake of a 'good relationship'!

Your situation is just not the same as the OPs so I don't think it fair of you to compare them tbh.

Zoetoes

Knelley wrote: »

Do you know, after reading through some of the comments on here, I shook my head in shame. I receive £180 a month towards the upkeep of my 2 sons from my ex. I KNOW he should be paying more through the CSA as I have an idea of his wages but why should he? Is it my job to make sure he can't pay his mortgage? Is it my job as the 'ex' to make sure he can't buy anything nice for our boys or take them on trips when he has them? I get by with what we have, it is my JOB as their mother. We settled on an arrangement outwith the CSA getting involved. And before I get blasted here, I know that the CSA have helped people where the ex OH is taking no parental responsibility.

I don't care who is giving what to our sons as long as they get it from one of us. As long as they know that they are loved, that their parents still love them and that their parents, even though they cannot be together, still have a love and respect for each other. This is all that matters in a childs life. To hear people say that you should take your ex for everything they have is just wrong! Oh and I am coming from both ends here. I am the PWC and from the other side where the CSA are involved in our life. If you can make an arrangement that suits you both then please work with that. You are a strong woman and you WILL be able to make it work.

Good luck

x

I am happy with the £50 a week, I am just fed up of the tightness when he has the kids, I would like nothing more than him to spend quality time with them even if it doesn't cost him more than a quid.

Although I do wish he'd think sometimes 'I've got a bonus this month, I'll do something nice with the kids', but he will never be like that.

Sounds like you have found the right balance with your ex.

I am upset about Christmas because the kids have always had a stocking off 'Father Christmas', what do I say this year, that's stopped now dad's left? I will do my best and I will manage.

My kids are grateful anyway and they have a home, they have their mum & dad, some kids have nothing, some kids are dying of cancer or losing their mum or dad. I'm not going to moan anymore!

Zoetoes

Well he's just dropped the little one at home. Little one wants to call at his later to trick or treat so I said ok we will, then ex starts demanding to know what time because he's going out, I said I don't know but obviously won't be that late.

Then he starts being his usual self and causing hassle so I just said ok I'll let you know what time and then he puts his foot in the door and starts calling me a fat, useless !!!!! for the neighbours and the little one to hear.

northwest1965

Zoeleigh - Thats not good. This man needs a good kick up the butt. Whatever problems you & he are having, he should never react in front of the children.

Even if only one of the children is bio his then you are still entitled to 20% of his take home pay. As long as he is not earning a fortune ( I'm all for an upper limit being put on CSA payments - but thats another story!) you should receive it. My partner pays 25% of his earnings for maintenance. He earns a decent amount but when the mother comes calling for more for 'extras' he firmly says no. After all my partner has to feed/ pick them up 200mile round trip and entertain them while here. Thats before holidays and Christmas.

I applaud Knelley though for her comments:T. A child needs 2 parents, it isnt only the father that has to pay for the children, both parents have to.

Knelley

Wow, wow , wow!! Where did I have ANY issue with the poster? I don't have an issue with her in any way Actually I think she is doing the best thing by trying to communicate with her ex and I was taking my hat off to her in trying to do this! I was refering to others who think it is there god given right to take the ex to the cleaners. When I read posts in reference to THAT, it makes me ashamed to be a woman with kids. The amount of scorned woman who cannot put aside how badly their ex treated them for the sake of the children makes me cringe. I read on here daily posts from women, yes, WOMEN, the exact same as myself who have been promised the world from their exes only for it to all turn sour. They then go on to think it is their god given right to make their exes lives hell due to this. And yes, they use their children and the CSA to do this. I have nothing for respect and praise for the poster as she has chosen NOT to do this but try and work towards an amicable agreement between her and her ex for the sake of her children. I have been where she is. It is very difficult trying to figure out what is best for you and what is best for the children but you will and you will be the stronger one

x

bestpud wrote: »

Because he is every bit as much the parent as you are!

You don't only get by with what he gives you, as you say yourself he also buys nice things for your boys and takes them on trips. I don't think you'd be half as generous if you were funding those outings out of your CM and buying gifts from both of you!!

You don't care as your sons are getting everything you feel they need. Some are not, and in that case, it is fair to ask the absent parent to pay their share. Taking them for a ride is not right but making them pay a fair proportion of their income to help bring up their child is right.

Love and respect for an ex does not mean allowing them to shirk their responsibilities for the sake of a 'good relationship'!

Your situation is just not the same as the OPs so I don't think it fair of you to compare them tbh.