Separated - how should things for the kids be split?

MarsdenCuckoo

zoeleigh wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't use the CSA calculator as I don't actually know how much he gets (I think at least 25k) and there's no point in going through the CSA as it would just make things difficult. To be honest I'm quite happy with £50 a week if he bothered in other ways.

Christmas - he still expects to come round when the kids wake up at the crack of dawn and watch them open their stockings, he has no intention of doing a stocking at his house. I would be made up if he did that or bought some stocking presents himself that he wanted to pick.

Holiday - he has no intention of taking them on holiday otherwise I wouldn't have asked him to chip in. Again, I would be made up if he booked a caravan for the weekend or something.

To be fair, he does care about the kids, maybe he's just going out of his way to make things awkward for me? I don't know.

And on Youngie's point, yes he was always unreasonable but I still thought he'd go halves on the Christmas presents.

I probably shouldn't have put about the escorts as it has no bearing on being a father, I'm just peed off about the money situation.

Sounds like things are already difficult so you wouldn't be any worse off getting the CSA involved. They're not brilliant but at least it should get the ball rolling and he'll maybe see how unreasonable he's been at only giving you £50 a week for two children. The sooner you contact the CSA the better - they won't backdate claims; only calculate what's due from the date you initially contact them.

Not up-to-date with their regs now but seem to recall they changed the system a while ago and as a guide the parent without care is assessed as having to pay 15% of his nett income (after income tax etc but before any housing costs, etc. are deducted) for one child and 20% for two children. Child maintenance, I think, is only payable for children in full-time education so if your 15 year old leaves school next year then nothing will be due for him.

My advice on the other things is that he seems to be wanting to be more independent of you and the children. If so, don't try and force him to be involved. His loss. Get on with your own lives without him if that's what he wants. That also means, sorry, he doesn't get to be part of the magic of the early morning Christmas present opening scenario - certainly, if he doesn't want to contribute to any of the presents. Tell him to T off. If he wants to see the kids at Christmas then arrange for them to go to his house; not yours. He'll have to buy them some pressies then!

When he has the kids, he pays. Simple as that. He's a parent and that comes with responsibilities. It's not up to you to make sure the kids have cash on them when they're with him. The kids will soon get his measure and unless he steps up to the mark, pretty soon they won't want to spend time with him anyway.

As for the holiday - don't even ask him to contribute. Just do your best to save up and if needs be cut down on the expense of the holiday somehow. Know others have said he should contribute to the passport but I wouldn't even bother. Let him know about it by all means and, maybe, even ask if he might like to sort it i.e. get him involved? Don't hold your breath though! Better to have your pride and protect your own relationship with your children rather than risk damaging that by trying to help him look good in their eyes.

Sooner or later he'll come to realise what he risks losing if he doesn't participate - financially and physically - in his children's lives. Until then, just be independent girl!

Good luck. The struggle is well worth it in the end. Better to be on your own than with the wrong partner.

Blackpool_Saver

zoeleigh wrote: »

Christmas - he still expects to come round when the kids wake up at the crack of dawn and watch them open their stockings, he has no intention of doing a stocking at his house. I would be made up if he did that or bought some stocking presents himself that he wanted to pick.

No, this is bad for the kids, it's confusing and gives them false hope of reconciliation.

It also means he doesn't have to 'do' Christmas. Start as you mean to go on.

never_enough

My parents/step parents managed to clock up several divorces but apart from the very odd outburst were always polite to each other. Christmas & birthdays often involved all of us at one house or the other, opening presents, eating, playing games & being like a normal family together (the odd spat, sulk or cry but basically having fun). They worked together as a team to bring us up, which can't always have been easy, but it meant we didn't get away with murder or grow up with a skewed view of what had happened.
Presents are down to you, holidays too, it is up to him to pay for things from him. I think it's unfair to ask him to pay half of things that you have bought, unless in consultation with him.
You need to try to let go of your anger towards him for the sake of your kids. You can't force him to see them (or them him later on) but you can leave the opening there. Kids know/see more than they ever let on. He may be doing all sorts of annoying things, but that's up to him, he's single & it's up to him. He'll either get his head together where the kids are concerned or he wont, but you can't force it. It's almost better that way, nothing worse than someone continually not turning up for visits. A friend had this throughout her childhood & is still scarred by the experience.
The money side of things is possible to change. He is responsible financially for your children. Again things worked differently when I was a kid, but now you can get help. Its possibly simpler to get that on a proper basis now than once you realise that you're not able to manage, or lose your job & he's shacked up with someone else. That's for you to decide on.
The internet thing is totally out of order, & an invasion of privacy, but then you know that it's wrong. :rolleyes: My Grandmother always used to say eavesdroppers never heard good of themselves & it's along the same lines... [but worse!!!]
Lastly, of course he should buy things for the kids when they're out. They must ask him & you shouldn't give them money to encourage them to do so. It could be that he just doesn't think, or that they don't ask very loudly!
I hope that things will get easier for you all soon.

Zoetoes

Must point out that I didn't ask him to pay for half of the presents off me, I asked him to pay for half of the present off 'Father Christmas', my opinion is we should get our own off us and go halves on the 'Father Christmas' presents.

I don't slag him off to the kids.

Checking his emails wasn't recently it was when I found out he was cheating, I'm not sorry about it, I'm sure a lot of people do it when they're cheated on, never found out who she was anyway. And if I didn't eavesdrop I wouldn't have heard him on the phone to her when he thought I was asleep!

The kids do ask for a drink or whatever, that day when the little one came home and said he'd had nothing at the junior barbecue I was really upset, it was just plain mean, he shouldn't have taken him there at all if he wouldn't spare 50p.

Like I said, he does care about the kids but has always been extremely mean with money unless he's spending it on himself.

I have text him to say I will sort Christmas myself as best I can and don't want anything off him for the holiday, have asked him to buy the passport, he will probably reply that he'll pay half of it.

I will manage and we will have a nice Christmas, he can come round with his presents for the kids but I don't think I'll be having him round as soon as the kids gets up.

RAS

I suggest that you buy the older child's presents from you only not FC.

And instead of you giving the kids money when they go out with him, tell them to ask next time if they need something.

Zoetoes

RAS wrote: »

I suggest that you buy the older child's presents from you only not FC.

And instead of you giving the kids money when they go out with him, tell them to ask next time if they need something.

If I didn't have a younger one it would be easier but he still believes in Father Christmas, and I wouldn't get one more than the other anyway.

They do ask for drinks etc when he has them, he just says no.

Zoetoes

This is what I've emailed to him -

A few suggestions:

I'll sort Christmas presents myself.

Not bothered about the holiday, we're going anyway.

You buy *****'s passport and give the kids some spends.

Christmas day you can come about 9ish? I'll be upstairs getting ready and no family come until about 11 so would be a good time . Or you can have them at yours for a couple of hours later on while I'm doing the dinner? About 2pm-4pm or something? But you will have to drop them off home. I think the latter is the best idea.

Let me know so I know what I'm doing and can let the kids know.

When you have the kids, for example at the club, I won't be giving them money anymore, you have them so you should pay.

RAS

zoeleigh wrote: »

They do ask for drinks etc when he has them, he just says no.

So maybe they should wait until he is talking to someone really important at the club, then sidle up so he has to embaress himself in front of someone who will be appalled by his behaviour.

neneromanova

zoeleigh wrote: »

If I didn't have a younger one it would be easier but he still believes in Father Christmas, and I wouldn't get one more than the other anyway.

They do ask for drinks etc when he has them, he just says no.

Can you not tell the 8 year old thatwhen you reach 15, Father Christmas thinks you are big enough to not have them? That way you can cut down on costs on father christmas. You could just tell the eldest that you'll get him more or bigger main presents.

And I think he's being totally unreasonable. Especially on the BBQ.

I wouldn't have sent that email regarding christmas though. I would have let him make arrangements to show that he actually wants to do it. If he doesn't want to then it's his loss and fault, not yours.

And as for the emails, good on you. I agree with the looking at emails as they shouldn't have anything to hide so what's the harm? I did that with my daughters "sperm doner". He's never seen her or paid anything as he's never wanted to. Again, his loss.

northwest1965

My partner has 2kids from a previous.
If we take them out its down to OH to pay for drinks etc the same as it is for BM to pay when she has them.

There is no way we'd contribute to presents jointly, they have presents from both sides, hers are kept at their home and ours are kept here.
The 1st year they all had a family Christmas, I think that gives a very bad idea to the kids. Hence it didnt happen twice.

Paying half for the passport is reasonable, its what we did as we wanted to take the kids away.

If you are not on benefits, I'd go through the CSA. As long as he pays his 25% or whatever it is, whatever he does with the rest is up to him.

Its better to have 2 happy parents that live apart!

Good luck