Separated - how should things for the kids be split?

red_devil

zoeleigh wrote: »

Must point out that I didn't ask him to pay for half of the presents off me, I asked him to pay for half of the present off 'Father Christmas', my opinion is we should get our own off us and go halves on the 'Father Christmas' presents.


I dont get the father christmas presents for a 15 year old!
How many teenagers believe in fc?

munkiemunkie81

Its my first xmas seperated too..

My H has our boy every other weekend, from either first thing sat morning or friday afternoon to monday morning - drops at nursery.

He pays for everything while he has him.

If i was going on holiday, i'd tell him and see what he offered - possibly spending money for treats. But I wouldnt book a holiday I couldnt afford without his help. I think a passport is a reasonable thing to go halves on.

We havent quite worked xmas out yet, but i'm going on the basis that I buy things that I want him to have and he will buy things from him. I will do a stocking for him from FC - this stocking will go with him for wherever he wakes up on xmas morning.
I think he wants to have him on xmas eve and new years day and I have him xmas day new years eve which is ok I think so long as its not overnight on xmas eve.... for very selfish reasons! But I'd be ok if he wanted to come round on xmas day or something in the afternoon.

We both get time off over xmas 2 weeks so i'm probably going to offer him 'days' for visits or something, i'll see what he thinks.

I'm dreading it all tbh, xmas was always fantastic.

Paparika

When i divorced, the ex didn't want to be helpful at all...


Wouldn't buy drinks for our son, but would stuff him full of mcd's and then bring him home knowing he had a cooked dinner for him, he admitted he would fill him full of junk knowing he would be sick, and i would have to deal with it.

promised to take him on holiday's in the school holidays (10 years later.....) still waiting for that.

But this year he has had our son a few times, me in hospital... and earlier this month when i visited my parents in france...

But all this will change, his g/f is about to have a baby, she's 25 he is 45 so i think he see's this as a chance to be a decent father, but know that his son will miss out lots

paulrn_2

I split up some 12 years ago and this is how it went

I paid £1000 a month kids were 14,10 and 4 (Still pay the same)
I was allowed to see them every weekend I paid for everything they needed when they were with me.
we shared costs for trips etc.

I was happy with this as they were my kids and its the right thing to do.

easy to say without the facts but Dad needs to grow up and put the kids first.

I am also very concerned that people on here seem to suggest that FC is not real

k_bagpuss

northwest1965 wrote: »

My partner has 2kids from a previous.
If we take them out its down to OH to pay for drinks etc the same as it is for BM to pay when she has them.

There is no way we'd contribute to presents jointly, they have presents from both sides, hers are kept at their home and ours are kept here.
The 1st year they all had a family Christmas, I think that gives a very bad idea to the kids. Hence it didnt happen twice.

Paying half for the passport is reasonable, its what we did as we wanted to take the kids away.

If you are not on benefits, I'd go through the CSA. As long as he pays his 25% or whatever it is, whatever he does with the rest is up to him.

Its better to have 2 happy parents that live apart!

Good luck

I couldn't agree with you more! I'm in the same position - OH has 2 kids, this will be the 2nd Christmas him and his ex have been apart.
My OH went on the CSA website to see what he should be paying and gives them £50 a month over and above that amount. He also left them the family home as he wanted as little disruption for the kids as possible so she also got a 4 bedroom detached house "thrown in" :mad:
He takes them out for tea once every other week when we haven't got them (just to see them really - he misses them very much as he pretty much looked after them when he and his ex were together) The ex used to send them here for the weekend "forgetting" to pack things they'd need so we had to go out and buy them stuff. And occasionally the kids have asked for money for school trips and ex told them their dad wouldn't give them anything - so DD (aged 14) asked why and he went mad and told DD exactly how much money he gave their mam for them every month - it turns out mam has been busy redecorating and buying new 42" TV's, Sky Plus and booking holidays!

But when they are with us for the 2 days a week we have them we buy them whatever they need and make sure there's food in the house they like. We have them over Halloween and we had a phone call saying the youngest wants to go trick or treating and by the way she doesn't have a costume (ie you need to buy her one!)

Even though Christmas officially falls on "our days" they are with their mam Christmas Eve until about 3pm Christmas Day when we'll get them. Funnily enough we have them on New Years Eve as she wants to go out with her mates like she does every New Years!

SingleSue

Unfortunately, some men (and woman too!), seem to forget their responsibilities when they are no longer the parent with custody.

Holidays - I book and pay for these myself, no expectation of help from ex hubby (should be noted my holidays are not anything special, a loan static caravan from a friend of the family and my spending money is my usual weekly food/fuel money).

When he has them - I expect him to pay for any drinks etc when he has them which he does but he draws the line at meals even if the time goes way over a normal meal time.

Christmas - Our first christmas apart, he came down to my parents for the present opening (we don't open the pressies at home, always at my parents) and stayed for dinner. This didn't confuse the children as they had had it explained what was going on. Now, he doesn't see his children at all over the christmas/New Year period unless he decides he wants to. Presents, we have been known to do a joint present still if the item is a larger one that the child really wants, failing that, we do our own pressies (he doesn't see the boys open their presents from him, they are delivered by his mother on Christmas morning)....there has never been one specifically from FC so no problems caused there.

Access - Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to take an interest in their children, the last time my ex had the children was the 30th December last year for a couple of hours (his doing not mine, I have said he can have them at any time)...the children have made their own minds up on the worth of their father without any help from me, purely by his actions.

When we do meet up, we act friendly.....his new wife found that very weird.

Paying towards his children - I receive a lot less than the OP a week for 3 boys, CSA have been no help at all as he moved mid process and they appear to have lost everything but bearing in mind he didn't pay anything for 18 months (and only started paying when my parents were talking to his mum at bingo and put her straight about the oodles he was paying for his children), I am grateful at least. Unfortunately, he now has a minimum wage job, so doubt the amount would be very much higher.

I suppose that of great importance is the both of you working hard to make things easier for the children, easier said than done I know, I have to make the effort for their father still to try to show him in a better light and to keep the boys on an even keel. Their father is still the first one I contact if there is any problems health wise, if they win awards at school etc and I have also been the one to keep the lines of communication open via downloading MSN and adding their father on each of their accounts, them having simple PAYG phones (they save their pocket money and top up when needed) and encouraging them to send their father a text message but I have given up asking when he is going to see/have them, given up giving him the school holiday dates and accepted that it is just not going to happen.

smartpicture

Your situation makes me sad.

My ex gave me a set amount, which went up automatically every time he got a pay rise at work. He paid half of any big expenses like Christmas presents or driving lessons, though we each paid for our own holidays with the kids. It's not that he earned a big salary, because he didn't, but his kids always came first. He came round every Xmas morning as soon as the kids got up and spent the day with us, even after I had a new partner, because that was what made the kids happy and they didn't choose to split up. When they were very young, he slept over on Xmas Eve night so that he would be there whatever time they woke up. Yes, it was uncomfortable at times, in the early years, but we both compromised and bit our tongue when necessary to make sure the kids had what they needed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's just that it's early days and you need to establish a pattern that works for you. That means compromising on some things, and him compromising on others. You're probably right that him refusing to have them on the nights you want is a way of controlling your social life, so you need to make sure he has nothing to do with it by making other babysitting arrangements (although surely the 15-year-old can babysit?). You have the short stick in some ways because you have all the responsibility and none of the freedom, but you benefit from having your kids growing up with you and being the most important person in their life, so he's the one missing out really.

Zoetoes

red_devil wrote: »

zoeleigh wrote: »

Must point out that I didn't ask him to pay for half of the presents off me, I asked him to pay for half of the present off 'Father Christmas', my opinion is we should get our own off us and go halves on the 'Father Christmas' presents.


I dont get the father christmas presents for a 15 year old!
How many teenagers believe in fc?

Obviously the 15 year old doesn't but the 8 year old does.

Even so, I thought most teenagers still got a stocking? Obviously knowing it's off the parents.

MrsE_2

zoeleigh wrote: »

Visits -Christmas - Holiday -Having the kids stay -

When they are with him, I would think it only decent he pays for everything.

I never asked my DDs father for money towards xmas presents nor would I.

Same for holidays, he should pay if they go with him, you if they go with you.

As for how often he has them, well you can't make him have access, it would be nice if he wanted to but I doubt you can force him.

** Must add my DDs birth father (my first husband) never chipped in a penny. Just his own prsents to her & the odd item of clothing, that he chose. But he's a waste of space:D

yummymummy79

Me and my ex split up 2 and a bit years ago, and we manage well with joint custody, 3-4 days a week each. This has continued throughout new partners, and my son's dad having a new baby.

Seems like common sense that you pay for stuff that you do with them when you have them? I guess some guys have a bit less common sense than others though.

Christmas - we each buy our own presents, I do a stocking, can't recall if daddy did or not but I'll prob suggest it for continuity.

Holidays - a few months after we'd broken up, I booked a Sun caravan holiday in my name, but said to daddy that we'd decide who would actually take him a bit nearer the time. I ended up taking him on that occasion, but I booked another one for the next year and he took him and paid me the money I'd initially paid. Passport I would say half each as you will both potentially get the benefit for it.

Obviously a lot of this depends on the relationship between the 2 of you. We are more like great friends and probably get on better now than we did when we were together. We often just pop round each others if we've forgotten something he needs, mostly school uniform clothes as it usually ends up that everything is at 1 house. We go to school parent's evenings, assemblies, doctors appts etc together, invite each other's families to parties etc and it all works really well.

No-one pays any maintenance, I get the child benefit and tax credits, no probs.