Separated - how should things for the kids be split?

Zoetoes

Hi All

We split up in February this year and things are very strained due to what I think is him being unreasonable but I would like others views because obviously he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I realise this is only my side of the story but I will be honest and try not to slag him off.

We have 2 boys aged 15 and 8. Ex pays £50 a week child support.

Visits - is it unreasonable to expect the ex to buy the kids a drink etc when he has them? For example they spend a lot of time at the cricket club with him during the season and I have to give the kids money to take because there's been times when he won't buy them a drink and another time when it was a junior barbecue and he wouldn't give the little one 50p for a hotdog! Bear in mind he doesn't take them anywhere else that would cost money. It's like he's thinking the £50 a week is all he should pay.

Christmas - this is our first Christmas apart and I assumed he would still go halves on the presents off Father Christmas (I know one is 15 but the little one still believes so still have to do them both a stocking) and then we'd get a present off ourselves separately. He's told me he won't be going halves on the stocking presents which I am now panicking about.

Holiday - I have booked a holiday for me and the kids for next September, we had already promised the kids that we would have a holiday after the eldest's exams, now I know things have changed and I could have explained to the kids that we can't go now but I think we all needed something to look forward to after the upset. I know it was my decision to book it and that's fine, we're going anyway, but I didn't think it was too unreasonable to ask if the ex would chip in a bit towards the kids price paying a bit between now and September or if he'd pay for the eldest's passport £100. He said no to both.

Having the kids stay - I would like him to see more of the kids, it was originally supposed to be that they stayed once a week and he sees them in the week a bit aswell but the novelty wore off very quickly and they've hardly stayed for the last 3-4 months. Also I've asked if he'd have them for certain nights out that I had but he kept saying no, that he was busy so I would change the dates for the ones that I could and he'd still say he was busy, don't get me wrong, it's not just about him having them so I can go out, most times he's had them I've sat in on my own. I just feel like I have to push him to have a relationship with his kids and also feel that he's trying to stop me having a social life.

Money wise if he genuinely couldn't afford to help out then I'd understand but he's out most nights and goes the match all the time including trips to Europe, I also found out a few months back that he was paying for 'massages' and seen that he'd requested an outcall from an escort (if you're wondering how I know this I went on his email, he had left me for someone else and I wanted to find out who). It's his business what he does, I don't care, I just want him to be more reasonable over the kids.

I know it's a lot to read! I would like others views whatever they may be and am actually expecting some criticism over booking the holiday and going on his email!

Thanks

RAS

This online calculator will tell you what the CSA would expect your ex to pay towards your children:

https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/...aintenance.asp

Rikki

When he has the children he should be paying for their expenses.

The holiday is for you and the children, it's down to you to pay.

The passport it is not unreasonable for you to ask him to pay half as he would also be able to take the children abroad.

Christmas presents - for me Father Christmas left presents at both houses paid for each relevant parent. Your presents to the children and stocking presents are down to you at your house and are from you. It's up to him if he buys the children anything..

You are separated now. He pays maintenance for the children and what he spends the rest of his money on is up to him.

I know its harsh but you are now individuals with two children and no joint parental responsibilities.

Pee

Of course you were wrong to read his e-mails. You know that. i don't see much point going into it. It doesn't really matter, only it does show that £1 for a drink or 50p for a hot dog should be manageable - if he was on benefits or very low wages or had other children, it might be that £50 was all he could afford.

I think he should buy them drinks and food whilst they are with him. If I take a young friend out for the day - i.e. my nephew or godson, I pay for them.

I don't think he should pay for the holiday. I think he should take them away himself. I do think he should pay half of the passport fee.

In an ideal world, he would at least give you some money towards their stockings. Preferably some bought and wrapped items to go in there, but that may be asking a bit much.

The issue that really worries me is that he doesn't seem to want to see the children. Can you talk to him about this or is there anyone else, like maybe his mum, who could help?

Is it just that he's newly single playing the field and feels he has better things to do than see his children, if so, this will settle down. Or is he with someone else now and do you think this might be the reason he doesn't have time for the children?

youngie

if you split up because he was unreasonable he is hardly likely to change and become reasonable,Never assume anything especially over presents and the like discuss things with him first.No its not unresonable to expect him to feed and water the children when they are with him ,point out to him that is all part of parenting.The csa would expect your partner to pay approx 20% of his income for the children this may be worth mentioning to him

TheEffect

It's such a shame when parents split up, and don't take everything I'm going to say to heart, as I'm 18 and haven't really had much experience in life's hardships just yet, however my parents split when I was a child and I know how hard it can be.

Your oldest son is 15, what is his input on all of this? He's old enough to know whether his father is spending enough time with him or not. Does your son get upset that his father isn't asking him to visit more often. Do they phone each other every few nights?

As for the father expecting you to give money to the children for drinks/food when they go out, maybe he's saying no as he knows you've given the children money? It definitely should not be that the money he pays you goes towards the time he spends with his children. This is very bad of the father in my opinion, and I'd make sure that your children have a little money on them when they visit him (even though this shouldn't be the case).

The holiday I think is a great idea. It's been a hard time and you and your children definitely need a break. In a realistic world, it would be nice for the father to pay towards the children for the holiday, however this isn't the case in most situations like this and as you booked the holiday, you shouldn't expect him to pay towards the children. He's not obliged to and if he doesn't want to, then that's his decision. Take the kids away and have a good break. Your son will deserve it after the hard times that he's had to go through, with the stress of his exams also.

As for him seeing the kids, once again the oldest is old enough to know if he wants to see his dad. You shouldn't have to continuously contact the father to have the kids. It's down to him to ring you and arrange a suitable time to see them. If he isn't doing this without your continuous efforts, I wouldn't bother trying. The kids will grow up to know what their father is like and eventually the youngest will soon be old enough to know he wants a relationship with his ''devoted'' father or not.

As for you reading his emails, you're in the wrong here, however we all know what stress you must have been going through and if he's left your for another woman, then your curiosity and anger is bound to get the better of you. If you still have access to his email account, make sure you don't go on it anymore. It's his person life now and your not together. If he wants to hire escorts or spend money on massages, that's his own decision and your input shouldn't be taken into consideration.

From my own personal experience from when my parents split, there's always two sides to each story, however as we only have your side, I've given my opinion on how the father is behaving by your account. Do not argue with the father, do not treat him badly and do not slag him off to the kids. These were the three things that hit me the hardest when my parents split. I had to listen to my parents argue/slag each other off and it was the worst part of the whole ordeal. Your kids need to see you and the father getting on and moving on with your life. Don't let them suffer because of your differences.

pinkshoes

1. If he chooses to take the kids out when he sees them, then he should pay if they need food/drinks

2. Christmas - I think you should do the stocking, as it's you that gets to wake up with them on Christmas morning. He may have his own plans.

3. Holiday - I would say you should pay for this, as he may have his own plans to take them away. I would also say you should pay for the passport, as this would be something that his weekly payment should cover.

4. If he doesn't want to see his kids, then you can't force him. Try not to make a big deal about it infront of the kids.

I would phone the CSA to see what he ought to be contributing each week. How much does he earn?

pinkpig08

He only has to pay you what the CSA calculator works his maintenance out at. If he pays any more than that then it's up to him. I assume you get the child benefit and tax credits for them?

vaio

You can’t enforce reasonableness so the Christmas and holiday stuff you will have to sort out yourself.

Same thing for seeing the kids, if he doesn’t want to then there is nothing you can do

You can enforce responsibility so get on to the CSA and make sure you are getting what you are entitled to and also explain to him that he needs to cover all expenses when he has the kids.

As for the emails, you’re a naughty girl and shouldn’t be reading them but I can understand how tempting it is (and would probably be unable to resist in your position)

Zoetoes

Thanks for all the replies.

I can't use the CSA calculator as I don't actually know how much he gets (I think at least 25k) and there's no point in going through the CSA as it would just make things difficult. To be honest I'm quite happy with £50 a week if he bothered in other ways.

Christmas - he still expects to come round when the kids wake up at the crack of dawn and watch them open their stockings, he has no intention of doing a stocking at his house. I would be made up if he did that or bought some stocking presents himself that he wanted to pick.

Holiday - he has no intention of taking them on holiday otherwise I wouldn't have asked him to chip in. Again, I would be made up if he booked a caravan for the weekend or something.

To be fair, he does care about the kids, maybe he's just going out of his way to make things awkward for me? I don't know.

And on Youngie's point, yes he was always unreasonable but I still thought he'd go halves on the Christmas presents.

I probably shouldn't have put about the escorts as it has no bearing on being a father, I'm just peed off about the money situation.

Zoetoes

pinkpig08 wrote: »

He only has to pay you what the CSA calculator works his maintenance out at. If he pays any more than that then it's up to him. I assume you get the child benefit and tax credits for them?

Yes I do get tax credits and child benefit for them.