why ????

mrcow

stokefan wrote: »

i need help???

im the one giving constructive advice, what are you doing ??? being a keyboard warrior who probably doesnt eve have kids, people like you make me sick, help and manners cost nothing, people like you are the reason this country is in a state.

Are you drunk? Or just simply bonkers? Or perhaps a little bit of both?

Seriously. I'm beginning to worry.

Oldernotwiser

stokefan wrote: »

i need help???

im the one giving constructive advice, what are you doing ??? being a keyboard warrior who probably doesnt eve have kids, people like you make me sick, help and manners cost nothing, people like you are the reason this country is in a state.

I don't think it's constructive advice to assume that it's normal for children to swear and be violent in this way. How does that help anyone?

Surely suggesting that these children should be better supervised is more constructive than thinking it ok to let them behave like this?

mrcow

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I don't think it's constructive advice to assume that it's normal for children to swear and be violent in this way. How does that help anyone?

Surely suggesting that these children should be better supervised is more constructive than thinking it ok to let them behave like this?

Thank you for bringing some sanity to this thread.......I was seriously beginning to worry.

stokefan

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I don't think it's constructive advice to assume that it's normal for children to swear and be violent in this way. How does that help anyone?

Surely suggesting that these children should be better supervised is more constructive than thinking it ok to let them behave like this?

no one is saying that its normal for kids to swear, but neither is it normal for kids to hit, perhaps your frustration of the op should be directed at the husbands ex wife.

i have experience of kids being manipulated to upset a "new" family.

mrcow (name couldnt be more apt) again i assume you have no kids and are trolling this part of the forum???

HariboJunkie

stokefan wrote: »

mrcow (name couldnt be more apt) again i assume you have no kids and are trolling this part of the forum???

That comment is far more "troll like" than anything MrCow has posted. Mr Cow has a deserved reputation on the forum for being a very sensible mum.

OP, I think you and your OH need to be the grown ups here. You tell your DD that what she did was out of order and ban Facebook as a punishment. Also discuss with her how the new family dynamics are impacting on her. You and your OH need to sit all the children down together and set some ground rules before the new baby, who will be a shared sibling, gets here.

WASHER

swiss69 wrote: »

Why is your 12 year old on Facebook? I thought it was for adults?

His eldest probably hates your daughter and you because she is at that age and in her eyes you and she have got her dad.

I think being a bit more understanding would be more helpful than critising his children on forums like this.

Alot of 12 year old are on Facebook, it is quite safe if you have the correct privacy settings. It is simple enough to get around the age restriction. I have set the option that each comment received by my DD is sent to my Email address as a precaution.

I do think alot of people on this thread are being quite harsh, its quite natural for children to go upstairs and play whether they are visiting their dad for the day. No-one can supervise there children 24/7, if you say you do, how on earth do you use the loo?

Oldernotwiser

WASHER wrote: »

I do think alot of people on this thread are being quite harsh, its quite natural for children to go upstairs and play whether they are visiting their dad for the day. No-one can supervise there children 24/7, if you say you do, how on earth do you use the loo?

The last comment is just silly!

Apart from anything else, it's generally recommended that computer use for children of this age is firmly monitored; the suggestion being that the computer itself is in a general family area. I would think that the fact that it's being being used inappropriately at the moment would be an additional reason for doing so.

I don't think that very many people would let a 5 and a 13 year old "play" together unsupervised, particularly as there's obviously a lot of hurt feelings and unresolved issues involved. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

paddy's_mum

Some of the responders in this thread might just as well come straight out with it and call the OP a liar!

We are told that the 5 year old was doing the actual hitting. We are told that this is the first time that things have erupted and the three children have behaved like this with each other. We are told that the 5 year old had already been rebuked for swearing. We are told that none of the children complained at the time. We are told that the younger one's travel sickness makes it difficult to do things outside the house during access visits etc, etc. On what basis should I not believe the 'evidence'?

Charges of lack of supervision fall flat too given that nothing was heard by the adults in the house, no child complained at the time, and that the OP's daughter was punished and made to apologise.

I suggest it's obvious that it's OP's resentment of the lop-sided condemnation that actually triggered this row and that the childrens' squabble is just the catalyst, not the cause?

The comment "you get what you're given" [on an open forum] is normally a reasonable comment but perhaps not nearly so valid when it's said in virtually the same breath as the accusing words worrying, shocking and dysfunctional.

I'm going to assume that the OP did indeed come on here for tea and sympathy and behave accordingly. Others can bicker and point the finger all they like. That is their perogative. Some may remember my comment elsewhere earlier this week -

If some of the rebukes given here had been the musings of a jury, the OP would be twisting in the breeze from a gibbet by now!

In my opinion, this poster has been treated poorly and it's a shame, because I believe this forum has a great deal to offer. What use to anyone if members are fearful of being slandered and condemned on such flimsy evidence?

mumslave

nikkit72 wrote: »

here goes,

about 2 weeks ago , my DD was upstairs with OH 2 girls (11 &5), well sometimes they have enough of each other and get on each others nerves , well my DD was on the computer at the time on her facebook , and wrote something like:
these !!!!!**s next to me are doing my head in they are swearing and hitting me, i hate them ,

well none of them came to say anything then on the monday hes ex emailed him and said my DD had wrote this and we checked , and hes ex said hes 2 girls would not be coming around here the following saturday , anyhow he went round as usal to collect them , the elder one said she didnt want to come and at her age (11) prob doesnt want to keep going to her dads as i know kids get to a certan age and just dont want to , any way the younger one was ill so she didnt come round ,
anyhow my DD apologised to them 2 to what she said and deleted it , i know what teenage girls can be like IFYKWIM.
Anyway he went round this morning to collect them , the 10 mins later comes storming in to the house and said 'guess what ?' they aint coming , and its all because of your DD , i said , dont put all the blame on her , why dont you stay round there and stop blaming me and my kids for your kids not coming round , or why the hell why dont you take em to ur brothers if they really dont want to come round her , i also said , why isnt youngest DD coming i can understand the elder but the younger no , he said she follows her sister , year right thats why a few weeks ago the younger one came round without the elder as she was off somewhere with friends !!!!.
I also said who said they werent coming round because of my DD , he said they didnt actually say my DD was reason but was obvious !!!!

Now i am up stairs as he wont even speak to me now , i am so upset this is going to cause such a rift in the house now ,,

oh and ofc hes girls are angels !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT, they were doing stuff to my DD that day by hitting her and swearing at her ....

I dont know what to do, if i wasnt pg , i would tell him to get out and find somewhere else to live and be happy with hes two perfect children

Sorry so long i am so angry .

nikkit72 wrote: »

I'm not sure where your coming from , and where you got sulking nasty comments from , erm maybe you are there mother ,
the kids were playing the 2 sisters were swearing and hitting my DD that was the 5 yr old btw !! i had to tell her earlier in the day about swearing at her cousin who had come round, and why would they need to be supervised in there bedrooms at 11 and 12 years of age ?
we were downstairs , do you supervise your children 24/7 ?
it is a great place to be here , we couldnt do much to do with the weather, we cant go out much as the youngest is sick even travelling 2 miles in a car,

ive take everybodies comments on board , many thanks

nikkit72 wrote: »

they dont always go upstairs we do do stuff together it was this once this has happened , and since then my DD has been punished , but have hes?? who knows ??, they do stuff with there dad and me and my kids .

i think its getting blown out of propotion now,

thanks agin for all advise ,

Right okay, I have quoted all your messages to try to get a grip of whats been going on, kinda hard with most posters flying accusations about, about whom did what.

So his two dds, were hitting and swearing at your dd. Is that right? The 5 year old and 11 year old, were winding up your 12 year old. Your DD was on the computer and posted on her facebook that she was annoyed with them for it. So lets assume, that she is telling the truth. What was your OH's reaction? Did he tell his children off? Stick up for your DD? Make the DD's aware that what they were doing was unacceptable? It doesnt sound like it. It sounds to me like he lets them get away with whatever they want because they dont live there, but your DD whom happens to, will get the tellings off all the time, in which case, no wonder you feel so angry and upset.

I think the children need to be put aside for the moment, the issue seems to be between you and your OH. He needs to understand that just because his children dont live with him, he doesnt have to let them off with every single thing that they do. He also needs to be made to understand how damaging his blaming your DD could be, should she come to hear of it. She is at a delicate age. It certainly doesnt sound like her fault, in fact the posting on facebook is far better than turning round and hitting back. If anything she should be applauded for not losing it with the two of them at it.

Its not for me to suggest what the solution is, you are going to have to work it out between you both, but whatever you both decide, you then both have to show you are united in how you are going to deal with things like this and treat all kids the same. I agree that two older kids do not need supervised and if you have parental locks on the computer then just the odd check should do. But the five year old, she probably wants to be one of the big girls, however she might benefit from some one on one time with her dad, whilst the older two amuse each other for a while.

Finally I sympathise with you, being pregnant, I am due the day before you, so know what stage you are at! I also have a 4, 3 and 1 year old. I let the 4 and 3 year old play alone upstairs all the time, however should they start fighting, I seperate them, one down stairs, one upstairs, they hate that and soon stop. Or if i am not too busy with the younger one, housework and cooking, I will take the time to sit and do something with them both to distract them. Its not easy balancing so many children, plus taking care of yourself and the house, make sure you are getting enough sleep and try to get your partner to understand you cant do everything, you need his support sometimes too. Best of luck

cakeordeath_2

I'm sorry if I came across as implying that you didn't do stuff together, what I was really trying to get at was that your OH was assuming that his daughters didn't want to come through because of your DD, effectively blaming her, when really they might just have just been trying to avoid any arguements or even sulking and avoiding the possibility of being told off for what they did and that if he could tell them of a plan you had to do something specific then it might intice them back so things could get back to normal.

It must be hard for you to accept that you disciplined your daughter but you suspect that his DDs got away scott free even though they were behaving so badly, you do need support from your OH in this. He needs to make it clear to his daughters, in front of you and your DD so they know he's supporting you both and that behaviour like that will not be tolerated.

It does seem as though you have argued with each other away from his DDs which is good, as they haven't seen the rift it has caused, so if you can both stand together and keep a united front they should soon learn to respect the rules....as long as he does spell it out to them and it really does need to be him..I hope he can understand how much you need his support right now.