Is 43 too old for a baby

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Glen0000 wrote: »

Have you ever looked after a small child? Had a 2 yr old in your home for 5 or 6 hours?

Now i think that is a little harsh...having your own 2yr old in the house and someone elses is two very different scenarios. You have heaps more patience and tollerance for your own child, but others can truly be a pain and that doesn't make you a bad parent.

I am just 24, me and my hubbie made the choice that he would work extra and i would become a SAHM to give our daughetr what we believed the best possible start in life. So many people have commented that i am such a patient and loving mum and have asked why i don't become a child minder to make some extra money at the same time as i'd apparently be very good at it...NOW i know me and no way in hell would i have the same patience for a bunch of 2 yrs olds, or other peoples children screaming or being a pain in my house day in day out. I could not do it at all and wouldn't want to, however i don't think that makes me a bad mum now does it!?!

I can cope with neices and nephews perfectly fine, we have a great time when they come to stay as i'm a big kid in some ways, but as soon as they become to much of a handful i can always hand them back.:p

Aliss08

There is no need to get personal. I wasn't being defensive at all just truthful. You were implying that looking after a screaming 2 year old for 5 or 6 hours is the most trying thing in the world when clearly it isn't, in my opinion, compared to what I have been through which could also account for why I do take things seriously and am not chilled out. Let's hope neither of your parents go on to develop early onset Alzheimers which is what happened with me.

I'm not into point scoring so I don't intend to reply to any further correspondence from you.

galvanizersbaby

Glen0000 wrote: »

No as my parents are really young still. I wont have to face that till I am well in my 50s/60s, by then my family will be all grown up. Why would you yourself inflict aging parents on a 20 something as you know what it has done to your own life?

You seem pretty defensive. You will have to put up with A LOT of flak if you have a kid at 43, even from your own child. You need to think about chilling out a bit.

Glen0000 - I'm pretty sure from your previous posts that your own family was unplanned so the circumstances around starting your own family weren't really that well thought out - just luck that you were young at the time.

I think given that the OP is clearly putting great thought in to planning for her child - I too think you are being a little harsh

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

You guys make me laugh (not all of you just some of the ones saying the OP is too old)- who said at 50 let alone 43 you won't have a healthy and physically fit and active lifestyle. My OH's dad is 50, his step mum 47 (i think) and they have a 9yr old and and a 5yr old. The kids have actually (in my OH's opinion) a much better childhood than he did. This is because their parents have 2 homes, both have well-paid jobs and have the time to spend with their children, when my OH was younger he said both parents worked ridiculous hours just to get by and they were never home to help with homework/take them to afterschool activities, and had much a shorter fuse due to all of the work stress etc.

My OH's dad regularly takes the kids to the park, and gets on the slides, swings and all of the climbing frames with them - it is actually more embarrassing for us than the younger ones, lol. But he also does 70+ mile bike treks with my OH and his other older son and with no problem either. He may have been a bit fitter when my OH was young but he'll tell you not by much at all, he certainly still has it.

In this day and age, being 50 certainly doesn't mean you are past it - some are, but as i said previously it depends on yourself.

nottslass_2

Molly41 - I'm Glad you are not my midwife - But thanks for pointing out that a "child is for life & not just for Christmas"

Not one health professional has even commented on my age (41)and I have had no more concern shown over my "condition" than somebody in there early 30's

I'm sorry that your childhood was far from ideal,but you really cannot blame it solely on your parents age - I see plenty of mums at the school gates who are in there 20's and early 30's who are far from trendy,they are old fashioned and can't be bothered to do "exciting things" with their kids - Anyway what ever age you are, your child will think that you are on another planet !!!!

I've had a child when I was aged 18,34 & will be nearly 42 when no 3 arrives so I think I'm pretty well qualified & know exactly what I'm letting myself in for.

Molly41

Aliss08 wrote: »

Molly 41 - I'm a little shocked by your post especially the patronising "remember children are for life" sentence.

Can't see a problem with garden centres either actually. My friend's little daughter just loves gardening and begs every week to be taken to the garden centre to see all the beautiful plants.

Not sure if you are currently a midwife but I pray to god that I don't get one like you should I be lucky enough to give birth.

Ok. I gave an opinion based on the facts. As a midwife, and a very caring community midwife, I see many women young and old, rich and poor having children for all the wrong reasons. You get more counselling and more help deciding to have a dog from a rescue centre than you do a child. You even have to have a homevisit to have a dog..to check you are responsible. You dont to for a child. They are for life? How is that patronising? I also gave a personal opinion...my lived experience of being an only child of OLD parents. You cant argue with my experience - it is what it is. Im sorry if you dont like it but i had the experience and it influenced my life and still does.

Metranil_Vavin

It all depends on the personal circumstances obviously.

I went to a rough old girls comp and about 3/4 of the girls I was friends with had kids at 14/15/16, and of those one is on her 2nd marriage now and the others are all seperated from the fathers. One girl even left at 12 having had a r'ship with a much older man to have a baby! :eek:

I went through a stage in my teens of wanting to be like my mates and horrified my mother by announcing at about 15 that i wanted a baby. She (thank god) talked me out of it and said I should wait until I had lived a bit myself and was with a decent bloke.

I went through my 20's and early 30's with various boyfriends, and I thank god that I didnt decide to have a child with any of them!

The guy I am with now is my own age, grown up mentally and wants to be a father, so he's the one I waited for. I won't ever be resentful that I missed out on my youth, and am in the right place now to have a baby.

I certainly dont think of a child as 'an accessory'! If I did I would have got myself knocked up at 15 behind the bike sheds like a load of the girls I used to know did!

Ms_Piggy_2

Molly41 wrote: »

Hi,
Im a midwife by trade and more women are getting pregnant later for various reasons - many of them selfish!
From a professional perspective older women have a higher risk of pregnancy complications and a much higher risk of congenital abnormality. They also have increased difficulty conceiving because obviously fertility in men and women decreases as they get older. We are "biologically" set to have children in in our twenties/ early thirties.
From a personal perspective - i was the only child of "elderly" parents and felt it dreadfully. My parents were Old and they were not trendy or interested in my culture especially as a teenager. As they were older they were very tired and I never went anywhere exciting. I spent a lot of my childhood looking at garden centres. I was desperately lonely and remember praying to God for a baby brother and sister which of course never happened because they had left it too late. I have struggled all the way through as now I have very elderly parents and four kids and Im not well. I could really do with some support and help from them but they cant and really have not been able to help me for years. My kids have mised having active grandparents who have good health to enjoy them and be interested. I missed a generation with my parents and obviously I love them dearly but I would have had things different for my childhood and indeed I did. I had my children at 22, 23, 25 and 26 and its the BEST thing Ive ever done. I made a concious decision that I did not want for children what I expereinced. I have one thing to say to you...remember children are for life not for christmas. Think carefully about what you are letting yourself in for. Just because you are older does not mean you are wiser!!

Molly

Crikey - I hope you're never my midwife with attitudes like that!
It's attitudes like yours that push women towards independent midwives.
(I've heard awful stories about women being told they are 'not allowed' a homebirth for no reason other than they are 'too old')

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Fair point Molly41 - everyone will have different experiences, which is why we ARE so different as individuals. We are talking about different generations though, so it may have been tougher as you were growing up to have 'old' parents.

I think the fact that the OP is seriously giving it some thought is a sign that they are willing to take on the pros and cons and deal with a child the best they can.

I know some people who have had very young parents and turn out perfectly fine (i hope my daughter will be one of them), just as i know some children (as i previously stated, with parents in their late 40's and 50) but are some of the best children i know -very well rounded and with great values, even at the age of 5.

Every person is different. I think if the OP thinks she is ready for children then go for it. She is willing to become a stay at home mum which opens up the door for doing all of those exciting things like cooking/being creative/ being read stories to and played with that many of us have fond memories of, which alot of children don't get nearly as much anymore due to work commitments which are more than often neccessary until you can build a decent nest egg (which sadly in todays world is about the age of 35-45).

Teenagers often 'dislike' their parents for something or other, but they soon grow out of it, it's just another part of growing up. I don't think bullying or name calling will occur because of 'old' parents as it is becoming more and more common to have children late on, half the class will probably have parents in their 50's in 20yrs time.

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

I do agree with the dog bit though - as someone who has been through the care systems, some social workers will decide to put children back with their parents/family just because ''kids should be with family'' rather than consider the fact that a foster home will give the child the best possible life. In this instance, yes, more thought seems to be given to re-homing a dog than re-homing a child.