I've made a huge mistake - son's school

Fluffi

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Lots of people have said this to me and while I agree, I don't think my son can be written off and expected to be name called and sworn at for the next 5 years. I do think the school could have handled things much better by not keeping such large friendship groups together and not letting them choose where to sit from day 1.

How is any child supposed to break into such a large friendship group? They don't need him, they have each other. So my son is effectively written off, just because we didn't live near enough to the catchment school for him to get in.

I can't let this situation continue for the next 5 years. My deadline is end of Jan, but my husband thinks this is too long.

Appeal forms arrived today.

D.

I agree with your husband ... you've already said yourself you've caught your son trying to self harm because he's so unhappy and 2 months is a long time when you are only 11 or 12.

If the school can't resolve this by stopping the bullying (unlikely because most schools can't really control bullying no matter what policies they have in place) and moving him to another class then I'd be very tempted to home school until a suitable school place did become available.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I'm going to say it again, I know someone else has mentioned it too, but you haven't responded.

Do try getting him into a scout group, it is a very different environment to sports groups karate etc and is very much geared towards making friends and learning life skills whilst being "good". I think this will be very helpful to your son.

Bear in mind that within the large group they will have sub groups (patrols) of around six of varying ages. The patrols tend to have a close and even nurturing relationship. When I was a patrol leader the rest of the girls were like extra little sisters to me. But he will also make friends within the whole pack/troup. Some of these will go to his school some won't, this is good, he needs to be able to escape school and have some friends who treat him normally but if he can make some friends that go to the school too it will help him during school time.

He will also learn useful skills and safety things that could be very important, through my time in brownies and guides I learnt things like how to rescue someone who had fallen into a canal, first aid, how to make emergency calls, how to cook/clean/sew (not just for the girls), improved my swimming, learnt about conservation and environmental issues and many other things that are still with me now.

But above all the overriding ethos of the boy scout and girl guide movement is that you should treat others well and do a good turn everyday. In this environment your son is unlikely to encounter bullying and will hopefully get some great support.

Please look into it, it is a great movement for all children to be part of but I think if a child is having problems it can be even more valuable.

pickle

It sounds awful. Could you go to your GP and have a chat. Perhaps they may be able to support the application?

DevilsAdvocate1

KatP wrote: »

I'm going to say it again, I know someone else has mentioned it too, but you haven't responded.

Do try getting him into a scout group, it is a very different environment to sports groups karate etc and is very much geared towards making friends and learning life skills whilst being "good". I think this will be very helpful to your son.

Bear in mind that within the large group they will have sub groups (patrols) of around six of varying ages. The patrols tend to have a close and even nurturing relationship. When I was a patrol leader the rest of the girls were like extra little sisters to me. But he will also make friends within the whole pack/troup. Some of these will go to his school some won't, this is good, he needs to be able to escape school and have some friends who treat him normally but if he can make some friends that go to the school too it will help him during school time.

He will also learn useful skills and safety things that could be very important, through my time in brownies and guides I learnt things like how to rescue someone who had fallen into a canal, first aid, how to make emergency calls, how to cook/clean/sew (not just for the girls), improved my swimming, learnt about conservation and environmental issues and many other things that are still with me now.

But above all the overriding ethos of the boy scout and girl guide movement is that you should treat others well and do a good turn everyday. In this environment your son is unlikely to encounter bullying and will hopefully get some great support.

Please look into it, it is a great movement for all children to be part of but I think if a child is having problems it can be even more valuable.

Sorry for not responding - it wasn't intentional.

I think scouts is a good idea, and my middle son is in the cubs. However, getting my oldest to start something new is difficult. He just says he's not interested and will not go. He is actually quite good at athletics and was invited to join an athletics squad. But he refused to go.

I will see if there is one near his secondary school, but I don't know how I could persuade him to go on his own. If only he had a twin brother instead of a younger one!

D.

Navvie

DA I am so sorry to hear about your son. My brother and I both had issues at school with bullying, and I feel that my parents played a vital role in helping to sort things out quickly before anything got out of hand.

From my experience I can only offer two bits of advice.
1) Be sure there is no smoke without fire and that your son is telling you absolutely everything that led to the events you have descried.

2) Give 'em hell. Reason and compromise are all well and good if it gets the results you want. If reason and compromise fail, don't be scared of causing a ruckus.

Get your son back into Karate, my bullies were at my Karate class but they were terrified our Sensei would punish them or worse if he knew what they had done to me. Plus, the Karate will help him if he gets into a scuffle with one of the other boys.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Check the age limits, is he too old to go to cubs with the younger brother? If not could you find a child he knows that already goes to take him along? If not tell him that it will be good for him and take him along anyway. After a couple of weeks he will probably find he is enjoying it anyway.

If the reason he doesn't want to try new things is because he is worried about fitting in and making friends have a word with the leader before he starts and ask them to make sure he is put in a situation where someone will buddy up with him.

I think you should try to find out why he doesn't want to try new things. That isn't normal or healthy for a boy his age. He ought to be out expanding his horizons. Don't be afraid to be a bit pushy to get him going with new things. My DH wishes his parents had pushed him into out of school activities and clubs as he was shy and didn't get involved of his own accord. He now really regrets not doing scouts and music and sports etc. It is harder to get involved in these things when you are older and DH has tried to learn new sports as an adult with varying levels of success and would love to learn a musical instrument.

Don't let your son regret not doing more when he grows up.


*I'm not advocating "pushy parents" here, there is a difference!

Rikki

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I think scouts is a good idea, and my middle son is in the cubs. However, getting my oldest to start something new is difficult. He just says he's not interested and will not go. He is actually quite good at athletics and was invited to join an athletics squad. But he refused to go.
D.

You could look at the Army, Air or Sea cadets maybe find somewhere where they are doing the .www.Duke of Edinburgh.org. All good places for building self confidence and team work.

Katie-Kat-Kins

They are all good suggestions too!

But as an extra big up for scouts they often run DofE awards too, they teach the sort of skills needed too and they have the added bonus of the christian ethos of do as you would be done to and a good turn everyday that may just help your son avoid more bullying. I have very little experience of cadets, the only person I know who was a cadet found it great though.

laurel7172

You could always kick off the appeal now. If your son has settled by the time it has fed through the system, then drop it at that point. Also, child welfare is often at the top of the admissions criteria, and you might be able to jump the waiting list queue. It would be worth asking...they can only say no.

DevilsAdvocate1

Hi,

Thanks to everyone who replied to me back in October when my son was so unhappy. He ended up having 2 weeks off school with swine flu, followed by half term followed by 2 more days off due to a tummy bug. This gave him a fair break from school which I think really helped him.

The meeting at the school ended up being just my husband, myself, my son and a pastoral assistant. The head of year and his tutor were both off ill. The pastoral assistant has been great. She brought a list of after school activities for my son to look at and encouraged him to sign up for some. He now goes to a film club once a week and has also started attending a drama club. I also found out from his primary school that the pastoral assistant had rang and spoken to his last teacher to find out what suggestions she had - I think this got my son the invite to join the drama group.

My son has always been good at drama and this particular group is made up of 10 year 7s and 10 year 6s (from the primary school next door). This is great as once a week his is one of the big kids again. He was initially given a small role in the play they are preparing for Easter, but in typical style he put everything into it. When the lead dropped out 2 weeks ago, my son was offered the part. This has had an amazing effect on his confidence.

The school worked out that it was 2 boys causing the problem and they have been spoken to. The bullying stopped but then started again, with one of the boys telling DA boy that no one wanted him, that he wasn't welcome and couldn't he just die. I got into contact with the school straight away and this boy was called in and told that a teacher had overheard him. He admitted it and knows there will be consequences if it happens again. This boy ignores my son now, but the other boys have started making friends with him. Last night, my son asked if one boy could come back one night - a massive step forward. Unfortunately, our house is upside down as we are in the middle of having an extension built. But I thought we could take this boy bowling or something during half term.

Thank you so much everyone for your messages of advice and support. I really appreciate them. For now he seems to be settling in well and I hope we are now through the worst of it.

D.