Day by day...

23rdspiral

Sory, this occured to me. i think there's a very good reason why you're finding packing hard. it's natural. it's ok.

* Do you really have to have unpacked this minute? what's the rush?

~ just take your own time about it. you can unpack and unwind slowly. there's no need to rush.

~ you're somewhere new, you need to feel safe and comforted.

~ it's fine to hold on to your bags, keep yourself and your things together.

~ just nest a while. (rest too, but also Nest.)

~ when you're ready let yourself unfurl slowly and naturally into this new place. when you are more comfortable you'll do it without even thinking about it.

~ unpack and unwind slowly. it's all ok.

onetomany

sending you a big hug hunnie ur doing a great job and ive learnt alot from your thread, keep smiling x

faithcecilia

I'm ticking over today, and I hope I have been a help to my employer as thats my main aim. I think its going okay, its just another culture shock so soon after my last one and with things beginning to get Christmassy its even harder.

Also this week last year I was in retreat preparing for my Clothing (being given my habit) which happened on 23rd so I cant help but think back to the celebrations and excitement and anticipation, and all my hopes and plans for my future....

ceridwen

Well - I guess this is part of the current feelings Faith - you are at an "anniversary date" - ie "one year from..........". I havent actually experienced any "anniversary date" events yet in my own life that I can recall - but have read about them happening to people a lot (ie one year from something significant) - so its not unnatural.

RAS

faithcecilia wrote: »

Oh I'm pathetic today! I can't seem to pull myself together or do anything. Every five minutes I'm crying, and although I have had lots of time to myself today I haven't managed to finish unpacking or anything, just sitting on the floor being daft!

my own experience is that moving is desparately unsettling even when I wanted to do it. It is not quite how i expected it.

The other factor is that having psyched myself up to do it, I get this enormous feeling of being let-down afterwards. Same with doing exams, going on holiday, festivals. having worked to a deadline, I feel empty when they are past.

And you have had a pretty tough few weeks.

faithcecilia

Had a very tough, long, lonely night last night. Think I dehydrated myself crying!

Went to confession this morning, last time I went was the day before I was told I had to leave the convent. Went in and looked like the only option was annonymous, not a problem, but when I started to talk I started to cry and just as I was about to ask if we could go face to face the priest suggested it then got me a chair. Obviously I am not going to type what went on in confession, suffice to say I am glad I went...even if I was so long that Mass started 10mins late and I felt every eye in the church look at me as I came out:o

Had a fairly busy afternoon which I have really enjoyed. Now armed with a glass of wine and ready for my day off tomorrow.

muppet83

Thats awesome faith, no one would mind if it helped you out. Now just relax a bit and enjoy the freedom pouring your heart out can give.

LydiaJ

Hi faithcecilia

I've not spent much time on the families board before, so I've only just come across your thread. Just wanted to say hello, and well done, and keep going, and I'm praying for you.

Your threads are long, and I haven't time to read them all the way through, so please forgive me if I say something that's been said already, but I have a little piece of advice for you: try very hard not to count down the weeks until you can return to the convent. If you do, you will miss half the opportunities to learn and grow and develop during this time out. What ceridwen has said about serving God in the here and now is spot on. Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, you can still fulfil your primary calling to love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and soul and strength, and love your neighbour as yourself. Read Jeremiah 29:4-14 - I hope your exile won't be 70 years, but nevertheless often the fastest way to become ready for the thing you fervently want is to focus on what you've got instead for now.

Oh, and also, moving is incredibly hard, as others have said. It always makes me feel isolated and rootless and generally awful. So it's totally normal and understandable that you're feeling horribly down. But it will get better as you get to know people. [Have you told us whereabouts in the country you are now?]

Lydia
[would like to include hug smiley but can't find it]

faithcecilia

I hope this is a positive. Earlier this week I had to email my prioress regarding counselling, and the fact that even my counsellor says she doesn't know what to do with me because the things I am being made to talk about (childhood, mum's illness, etc) seem 'worked out'. I was very upset at the time I had sent the email and although I had read and reread it carefully, I was a little worried that this may have come across in the email. Anyway, I had asked her what she wanted me to do, said I would continue the therapy if she wanted, but that neither I nor my counsellor believe it is having much benefit. I also asked whether the assesment booked for late June could be brought forward - at least then we would know what THEY think I need to sort out!

Today I have had a reply from her saying she is still talking about various things with my novice mistress, but that she has contacted the centre and is hoping to bring the assessment forward:j I am not even allowing myself to imagine it could mean I get home quicker, but it means a lot to me that they have listened to my request, and what I have told them about my counselling.

LydiaJ

That sounds great faithcecilia. :j

I'm so glad your counsellor is being so positive, and I totally understand why you don't want to spend ages going over stuff that's already sorted.

However, if the convent want to insist that you continue with the therapy, I'm sure you and your counsellor can find useful things to work on besides the stuff you've already worked out. You may want to deal with some feelings about the current disappointment and upheaval, for example, or you might want to work on something that's more along the lines of growth than fixing - building confidence and independence etc, since that's part of what you're supposed to be gaining from this time out, if I've understood the situation correctly. Or maybe you could look back over your time as a novice, and consider what happened during that time to make the convent feel that you needed time out. You may disagree that your mother's illness etc are the roots of it, and be able to identify other issues that might be alternative reasons why things didn't go to plan, and work on those with your counsellor instead.

That way you might be able to satisfy the convent that you're getting the help they want you to get, but be happy in your own mind that what you're doing isn't pointless.

Do keep us posted, anyway.