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How do you feel about your OH?
Comments
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miserly_mum wrote: »Yes in years gone by marriages might have lasted 50 or 60 years but that doesn't necessarily mean they were happier marriages.
I think that's very true miserlymum. There are several couples I know that are in the 40+ years together bracket that really seem to treat each other pretty meanly. Marriage & commitment mean different things to people. It could be love, stability, family, security, happiness. Men & woman don't look for the same things either. They may happily work together towards a common or shared goal once prompted to do so, but in my experience it's often the women pushing for things. Many men would be happy to be left to do whatever they were doing before you asked them to do the thing that you want them to do! (IYKWIM!?)
There are also people who have a 'public face' of their relationship, but those that know them very well are aware it's a sham. You just can't know what's going on inside a relationship unless it's yours (& even then you can be clueless!) I have seen supposedly perfect marriages fail & hear all sorts of horror stories of what were going on. The flip side are the couples who are permanently fired up to go the next round with each other who make it to their 60 anniversary! I have recently become aware of a couple of women I know that are unhappy in their relationship, but to me they have totally unrealistic expectations & therefore will never be happy.
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[quote=[Deleted User];25513547]OK. Fair enough. But are you 100% sure that if you were with someone else you wouldnt feel the same way as you do now?[/QUOTE]
No of course I can't say for sure I wouldn't feel the same way. If I knew that then this would be easy0 -
miserly_mum wrote: »Yes in years gone by marriages might have lasted 50 or 60 years but that doesn't necessarily mean they were happier marriages.
I agree.
I think when you're married you should try harder. I really don't see it as disposable. But if I don't love him then there's no foundations to build on. I can't just stay with him because I could do a lot worse.0 -
miserly_mum wrote: »I don't entirely agree with that Paul. I feel that nowadays there are more choices available to women who are in unhappy marriages.
Years ago it was really difficult for married women with children to leave their husbands. For example you couldn't claim any financial help in the way of benefits until you had obtained a legal separation. The same went for council/social housing. There was also a big social stigma regarding divorce and many women feared losing their children.
Yes in years gone by marriages might have lasted 50 or 60 years but that doesn't necessarily mean they were happier marriages.
Yes. I see what your saying. In no way would I suggest that a woman should stay in a marriage if there is a genuine reason for unhappiness.
I just think we;ve gone the other way these days and make it too easy. A lot of people inclusing the OP chime in with the 'I dont love him anymore' line because things are getting a bit stale.
I'm sorry you cant love someone and then go off them like that. Fair enough if they turn abusive, violent, have an affair, or otherwise unreasonable behaviour.0 -
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vickitoria100 wrote: »I agree.
I think when you're married you should try harder. I really don't see it as disposable. But if I don't love him then there's no foundations to build on. I can't just stay with him because I could do a lot worse.
I'm assunming you loved him when you married him? If not, then I guess this is a whole new issue.
If so, whats changed in the years following? Has he done/changed into someone whos unreasonable?
Or are you expecting him to be the same person as when you married him? People do change.0 -
I could have written that original post. I got married after 6 months, pregnant on my honeymoon, by 3 years there was no 'spark' left at all, although he was a great provider/father/friend etc, I went on and had another child as I didn't want my child to be an only one. I knew in my heart and head that the marriage was over but I had no intention of going anywhere.
I eventually ended the marriage after 9/10 years. Yes, I've found the 'spark' a few times since then, but it never lasts and I've never met a man that had so many good points since, but I'd still trade in all the good points for the 'spark'.
All depends on how independent you are and how important the spark is to you.0 -
OP. One other thing. Why are you discussing this with strangers on a money saving forum anyway?
Maybe actually discussing with your OH would be better.
Or even a professional counsellor/RELATE etc.
Or even an appropriate forum (e.g. www.talkaboutmarriage.com) where there are a lot of experienced people.
And I dont mean the last comment as a criticism its just you might find the other forum better....0 -
Threads like this always frighten me becuase you never know what is going to happen in a relationship. I was married (well, technically still am) and left my husband when i found out about adultary, along with some other mental abuse etc i realised i was able to break free from the shadow he cast over me.
I dont regret my marriage or the break up - i knew in my head and heart that the relationship had no logevity after the first year together, but would not have known that without the marriage. The man i dated, married and left were all three differnt people with the same face.
I am in a "new" relationship, known BF since February, started "dating" in July and its all going so well, he is a breath of fresh air, we want the same things, have the same views, he makes me laugh etc etc etc and is totally amazing.
But i wonder - will i feel the same in 10 years? I hope so - i look to the future and cant see myself without him, but, maybe thats me being naieve.
I have to say, even with my ex, i spoke to him about my fears and concerns before anyone else - i would rather upset someone by discussing what im worried about than let them carry on oblivious and then get hit in the face with a wet fish when it all boils over.
For me, communication is the key0
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