Bad relationship

hbloomers

OP - I'm 19 and if I heard one of my friends was in a relationship like yours, I'd be encouraging her to leave... So he didn't hit you... But what about the next time you have an argument? What about if he gets drunk? You do something he doesn't like? Please, get out of this relationship!

I'm at university too, and I had a few problems last year and I highly recommend talking to your pastoral tutor, or if thats too personal, try the counselling service at your uni. They're free, confidential and nothing you say in there will be passed on to anyone in the university. They're also highly regulated by the UK board (can't remember the official name!), so you know they're professionals who know their stuff.

Please talk to your parents too. If they're anything like my dad, they'll know something is up, but are just waiting until you're ready to talk about it. I agree with the other posters... If you are going to break up with him, you'll need as many people on your side as possible. Tell your parents, grandparents, cousins etc. Change the locks if needs be.

As for making friends... Why not join a uni society? I'm a music student, so I've always found choirs really social places. And you already have an opening line.. "oh I really like this piece of music" etc. Or take a language class? Many you can take for free at university, and some are also listed on your university transcript when you get your degree, so its also a bonus for employment.

Also, PM me if you ever want to have a chat with someone your own age about anything!

Helen

mum2one

From someone whos been there,done that, brought the tshirt, plz plz plz get yourself out of the relationship.

Do it now---
Your 20, you've got your whole life ahead of you

Parents - they may know, they may guess, but their support you

Friends - ok your circle of friends may change, but turn the clock back, remember primary school to secondary school, friends went to different schools, you made new friends, (daft explanation- but the thought there)

Money/Houseingetc - why let him get a foothold on anything.

xx

celyn90

They certainly won't see you as a failure - if anything the opposite - a wonderful strong woman who won't put up with being treated poorly any more and is taking control of her life. Your parents will care about you and want the best for you and to be honest, probably could see the damage a sad control freak was doing to their daughter long before, just didn't feel they could interfere in your life. They will support you I am sure of it - that's what parents do.

stupid-girl wrote: »

Now I'm thinking of blowing the deposit money on travelling next year but thats not really sensible is it.

I think it's a brilliant idea and a great way to find yourself Travel is a wonderful way to take the time for yourself to evaulate your life and may give you the thinking space you need as well as being a great experience. If you don't want to go it alone, a working holiday with a charity could be an option - as well as being a great way to make new friends you will see how much of a difference you can make and you will be far enough removed from him to think clearly You are so young, you have your whole life to be sensible

Molly41

Hi,
Im in total agreement with what every person (and I suspect the majority are women) have written. I think you are making excuses for him - he has physically hurt you by brusisng and man-handling you and could have really hurt you by throwing batteries in your face. he is controlling and these are the warning sighns for domestic violence. Beleive me it will not get better and will only get worse. He is manipulating your emotions.

You have the whole world at your feet - literally. Please take the chance to break free and fly. If I was your mum (and I have four older kids) I would love and support you and would never think you a failure. If anything Id respect and admire your courage.
Lots of luck for a brilliant future,
Molly

puffinmuffin

You have had some great advice here from people who really know what they are talking about.
My only advice is to take that money and go travelling! you will grow so much as a person and get that independence you have been denied. You are so young, the house deposit can wait!

Pee

Did you go to Uni close to where you live or did he stop Uni completely?

If you didn't go, how about looking into going now? A great place to meet new people and make a fresh start.

Presumably that gives you about a year before you can go, a year to think about what else you'd like to do - the travelling option sounds a great one to me, how about teaching English as a foreign language in Vietnam for six months?

There are so many opportunities out there for you. You know that you don't want this relationship any longer, and why should you. Look at all the wonderful possibilities and don't be scared. I think to have coped with what you have to date you are very strong and capable and you have hidden depths your soon to be ex is about to realise.

flutterbyuk25

I was in a similar situation to you at your age. I was with someone from 17 to 22. He was my first proper boyfriend (and vice versa) and we were a couple from the start. It was rather intense.

He did not go to uni after 6th form but worked, I chose to go to uni in my home town for reasons that included him, but also financial (Welsh students didnt pay fees and got grants).

We bought a house together aged 20, and that was when he began to get controlling. He didn't like me going out with friend, always wanted to know where I was, rung my work to check I was actually there, he never hit me but did push/shove me into things, twist my arm, throw things etc. And would get verbally abusive when drunk (which was every weekend).

At 22 I realised that I could either continue with the horrible relationship or leave. I chose to leave which was the best thing I ever did. My parents let me move back with thema nd helped me sort out selling house. My friends were supportive, and I had just started new job which had a great social life so that helped.

It was relaly hard to leave, he harrassed me for months trying to get me back, but eventually he got message.

I'm now 27 and can honestly say I am a completely different person now! I have a fab job in my dream career path, I have worked abroad, and travelled to amazingly places and done amaxing things that I never would have if I was still with him. I have had boyfriends since who were lovely. I'm currently single and loving it.

Please have the courage to address this situation. At 20 you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Is there someone at your uni you can speak to? like a counsellor or support worker?

Good luck

x

minxwolf

You know... Go travelling, just do it. Now is not the best time to buy a house, let the market settle and the banks realise a hefty deposit is out of reach, they will revert. You could really do with getting on a site with other students wanting to travel, find someone to go with. I was in the same situ as you, i knew i had to put distance between us, i spent two years in greece, loved it and never looked back. It gives you the confidence, first its hard but you learn how to enjoy your own company and others. I was 22 so you will have 2 years on me. Coming back up to date.. I hear he is still a looser..me, i have 3 under 3, a 4 bed house and gorgeous husband!..you have 1 life..live it!

nikkit72

i would just like to add to this,

reading your 1st post , i was reading about myself , 21 years ago , i was 15 with a 20 yr old guy, he treated me like crap , shouted hit , at one time stabbed me , it took me 15 yrs and 3 children down the line , to get out of the relationship, he always put me down , saying noone would ever have me with 3 kids in tow, yes it was scary , but 1 day i found myself a place to live( council would not help me as i was leaving a roof over my head) i found a private landlord who would take housing benefit as i was on a low income, i didnt tell me ex, i just waited for him to go o work one day , got a van loaded it up and moved ,
and to say that was the greatest day of my life , that was 8 years ago , it took a long time , to rebuild my friendship with my friends as i had none, i started going out , browsing the net , and 4 and half years ago met a great bloke , who accepted me and my 3 kids , we are now hainga child of our own , we very rarely row , we both work from home and see each other 24 / 7 , we get on so well, its weird because we say things at the sam etime, we do things at the same time , we laugh , we talk , we do everything together , it is so different from my other relationship, i thought i loved my ex , but after getting out annd finding my self again, it was not love, it was habit and thinking i would never find any one else.

GET OUT, and start agin , you are so young, you will see in 4 5 years time why the hell you put up with it for so long, why should you be with someone who shouts swears and throws things at you , nooone deserves it.

Stop making excuses for him like you ae doing in your follow on posts, see him as he is and leave him , go out and have some fun , travel , party, study , then settle down in a few years , not now

gingin_2

As everyone else has said, do the travelling - see the world and come back an even more confident person.

I did the idyllic family thing at a yong age and although I am happy, my one regret is that I didn't take time out to go and see the world properly when I had the opportunity to. You only get the one chance at being that age.

Do some research and fantasize about all those beautiful places you can visit, the amazing people (thinking bronzed, gorgeous men here) you will meet and what an even more confident and rounded person you will be when you get back.

You sound like a really bright, well grounded 20 year old. I wish you the very best of luck