Bad relationship

stupid-girl

I've been with my boyfriend since I was 16 years old. He was my first serious boyfriend, he'd been with somebody for 2 years before me.

Things got pretty full on, pretty quick, we never really 'dated' we was just all of a sudden a full on couple.

I was very naive at 16, as I say, first relationship. Looking back, he treated me appaulingly. He did physically hurt me, not punches, but he throw things at me, caused massive bruises on my arms (which I then had to cover up infront of family) and I remember him grabbing hold of the back of my neck and twisting it so it bruised. At the time, I knew it was wrong, but I was so stupid I just go on with it. It was never anything major and probably happened less than 5 times in the first year of our relationship.

For the first 1-2 years he HATED me going out with my friends. During this time I was at college. He said he found it hard to trust me because his ex cheated on him. Again I was naive, I fell for it. I stopped going out with friends who I had been friends with all the way through school.

When it came to me choosing universities, he told me I would have to stay here, or we would have to split up. I fell for it AGAIN, I didn't want to split up, I loved him, so I never moved away like my friends did.

My boyfriend swears A LOT. He doesn't just swear in conversation, he swears at me, and gets really aggressive. I guess I've just got used to it, but it just makes me so embarrased.

We've been together 4 years now, and I really do just feel so down.

I am very lonely. I probably have 2 or 3 friends. Everybody else got so fed up of asking me to go out and me saying no that I think they just gave up on me.

My sister is getting ready to go to uni and I really am starting to resent him for how my life is now. I am stuck at home, still living with my parents and my life could have been so different.

I know I don't want to be in this relationship. I can not imagine myself marrying him, or having kids with him (though thats what I want more than anything else in the world, but with the right man!) but if I aren't with him, I literally have no one at all. If it wasn't him I would be stuck in 24/7. I have very few friends, and my 'best' friend is tied down with kids and a house etc. He's got me right were he wants me.

He's walked out tonight, we've been arguing over little things for a few days, and he was supposed to be staying in to talk tonight, but insterad he's gone to football. I told him not to come back, but I know yet again I will take him back.

I know this is just a load of jumbled rubbish but I'm so down and fed up with this I've probably brought it all on myself, but I just cannot see what to do next.

delain

I've been here before, with someone much older, and it won't get any better.

You're not stupid, just young and vulnerable. Change your phone number, get in touch with your old friends (it won't be easy to do, but they will be glad you're free of him!) and if needs be move away. You deserve better. Pm me if you need to talk more x

jackomdj

I was in a bad relationship in my early 20's (although never physical). I actually married the guy & 18 months on he left me. I took him back & he left again, I said to him if he went I would not take him back...it was the hardest thing I ever did because at that point I still loved him. But what I said to myself was "do I deserve this for the rest of my life or do I deserve better?"

I went out & found new friends. I got back in contact with old friends who were so happy to see me. I did things for me.

18 months later I met a new man. 14 years later I am still with him & we are so happy. I do not regret what I went through - it makes me realise how lucky I am with my OH.

So ask yourself "do I deserve this for the rest of my life or do I deserve better?"...I bet you already know the answer.

HTH
Nicky

Errata

Why are you wasting your life on this viscious, useless waste of space ?
You're better off without him in your life, and you'll have a life.

tandraig

dont call yourself stupid - youre not - just, as you say, naive. as a parent and grandma can I give you some advice hun? you say youre living at home with your parents. And he has walked out to go to footy? Pack his stuff up - put it outside and Lock the door and sit mum and dad down and TELL them what has really been going on in the relationship...if it was my daughter he wouldnt set foot in MY house again!!! this person is only going to get worse - not better. and tbh - once you do have kids - you will feel even more trapped. you are not married to him - you are still living at home. You CAN get out of the relationship and rebuild your life.

Curlywurli

It's not too late for you to change your life. You don't have to lead this life if you don't want to. I know it won't be easy but you're still only young and you have options. Do you have a job? Maybe you could rent a place with people your age. You need to start meeting people. You know it's the end of the road but you need to be strong if you really want to do it.

Do your mum and dad say anything about your relationship- they must see the misery you're in. I know someone who got married at sixteen to a man who makes their life hell. They're a lot older now and have grown up children but her life isn't really a life, she just exists. Please don't let that become you. Good luck x

Minxy_Bella

Why exactly are you with this horrible person? You can't love him if he treats you so badly - you just love the idea of a nice man and are trying to fix that image onto him. It's not working, is it, hun?

Get rid. And quick. Before he kills you!

zippychick

Ahhhh stupid girl , couldn't read and run. Not sure how much advice i have but will see what comes out.

Ok. So i am guessing you are 20?! You sound incredibly unhappy and as if he has manipulated every single part of your life.For 4 years, he has slowly been chipping away at your self esteem and confidence . DO NOT feel as if this is in any way your fault. It's boiling frog syndrome - which I shall try to explain.

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump straight out.

If you put a frog in cold water and gently simmer it, it will stay there and eventually die , frog soup.

This is what he has been doing to you gradually over the years he has got away with more and more and now you have reached the "enough is enough" point.

First of all - what do you think he would do if you ended it? Would you be concerned for your safety?

To put it simply, you have two choices - continue, or do something about it. Yes , it is easier said than done - of course it is, but ultimately it's time to stick or twist.

I'm not sure the best way for you to go about it - and obviously if there has been violence - your safety is paramount. I am hoping someone "in the know" will be along soon to advise on that side of things and how you should approach finishing it - should you choose to do that.

I know things seem hopeless, but let me tell you this. You are only 20 so you have all the time in the world to create a new positive life for yourself. There are plenty of women on this site in your very shoes, in their 30s, 40s, 50s and above I am sure.These women will have kids, marriages, mortgages and lots more complications. Here you have age , time and circumstances ,very much on your side.

Your friends - may take you "back", and they may not - there is always that possibility. And this is something you will just have to deal with, as it comes.
To be honest with you - that's not really relevant. You can easily make new friends- it can be done.

I would suggest you have a serious think and really think of how you want to live your life.

Are you happy to continute to be manipulated, treated like rubbish, like a second class citizen?

Are you happy being with someone, who seems to have little or no respect for you as an individual?

Are you happy being with someone who treats you violently and makes you feel unsafe?

Do you really need him, or is it just habit and fear keeping you there?

When was the last time you had fun?

Does he have any positive attributes?

What would you do ,if you came online and read your own post from the outside? What advice would you give? Try and put yourself outside the box, just for a minute

I would like to put some points of things in your favour.....

* You are 20 years young, you have your whole life ahead of you
* You can still take a new path in life, a new career, hobby, whatever it is
* There are plenty of singles out there for you to meet and date once you feel ready
* You have the foresight and have realised your situation is far from perfect. You know something has to change - so you are obviously intelligent
* You can make new friends easily - taking up a hobby, starting a gym class, new job, library, loads of places to meet people! Even online?
* You are not married with kids. Think of how much more complicated this situation could get with time. It could be so much worse

I would suggest you have a very hard think about your situation, and formulate a plan.

Will he be willing to talk and change? Or would that cause violence and aggravation? Is there anything you can work with? Or is it time to get out and start living a proper life?

Sorry, not advice as such.... just my thoughts

People here will help, listen and be supportive. You need to dig deep, find your inner strength, and start making a life for yourself - with or without him

Please PM me if you need to talk. I hope none of this reads as harsh - but I want you to see how badly he seems to treat you xxx

well done for having a bit of a lightbulb moment. xxx

stupid-girl

Thanks everybody SO much for taking the time to reply, a lot of it is stuff I already know, and I know for a fact I would be saying the same stuff to others but it's just not that easy when its you that it's happening too.

I don't work, I am a student, doing Psychology ironically. I have worked over Summer, in a really boring job, but with loads of people, and I think it's maybe given me a bit of a confidence that I didn't have before.

I have been saving and saving for a house deposit, and that has brought on a lot of these thoughts too, I do not want to end up going through a messy split with a house to divide up, not that a single brick would be his as he is incapable of saving a penny. Now I'm thinking of blowing the deposit money on travelling next year but thats not really sensible is it.

My parents don't know the half of it I don't think. They weren't keen at first, but I stuck up for him, I still do.

I have attempted to get back in touch with old friends, but it seems like everybody has moved on, they are literally all in relationships, and busy with other things.

I did something really stupid earlier, I set me status on facebook to something like 'hates men who hits women, and treats & talks to them like rubbish, and most certainly will not cry over them'. I deleted it straight away, but one of his friends saw it, and I think they've mentioned it to my boyf and he's feeling really guilty! Nobody knows what he's like with me because he's totally different infront of everybody else! I've turned my phone off for now so I can have some time to think.

Yet another jumbled up post, sorry.

lilmisschick

Ahh poor you! You sound just like me a few years ago....

I too got into a relationship at the young naive age of 16 and knew pretty much straight away that things weren't great but to be honest I just didn't do anything about it! I ended up moving in, having two children with him and like your partner, he swore constantly, at me, about life and made me feel like a complete and utter piece of poop!!

It took TEN years, when I was 26 and my two daughters were 5 and 3yrs old to finally walk out of that door once and for all (I had tried a few times unsuccessfully as he told me no man would be interested in a girl with two kids) and to cut a long story short, I have met the most wonderful man in the world and we have been together 2 years and are getting married in 6 weeks AND I'm expecting our first baby together!! :j He is so supportive, I am now fulfilling everything in my career that I never had the opportunity to do in the past, I see my friends more, either on girlie nights or because I have a partner that I don't feel embarrassed to socialise with the 'couple's' nights!!

Please please, don't end up getting yourself stuck with him (because its sooo much harder to leave when you have children/ mortgage to deal with) when you already know and have known from an early stage that he is not the right one for you!! Move on and at the young age of 20, you will look back on this time and realise that you made the right decision to leave- trust me!!

Good luck, keep us updated and feel free to PM me if you want to xxx

zippychick

SG - regards the money and travelling - you don't have to decide that now! You can always have options. If you do split with him and make a new life, your choices and decisions may change anyway. Don't rule anything out at this stage = well done too on having savings

I strongly suggest talking to your parents - you need back up and you need their support.

Please don't just go back with him because you dont know anything else and he is saying things he wants you to hear.

Regards your friends - unfortunately sometimes that happens. Why don't you try a yoga class or something? Good for body mind and soul. You could meet friends there too. A dance class? crafts class ? Cookery? Could you get a job one night a week working in a bar or fast food place? All good ways of meeting people