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Bad relationship
Comments
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I was in this position too and several years down the line I can tell you you don't need to put up with his horrible behaviour. Just because other people put up with worse doesn't make it right. My ex was a bully, persuaded me not to go to uni, said we were going out so I got ready and he didn't turn up so many times. My mum hated the way he treated me but I made excuses for him and eventually we got married and had children. I finally realised how disrespectful he was when I found out he was seeing another woman when I was expecting our second child. I saw the light and kicked him out and had our daughter alone, soon after he came back with more worthless promises and I stupidly took him back, within a year he left with my (ex) best friend.
You are 20 with no ties, you can do anything you want and it doesn't have to include being a doormat for a thug. As a mum I saw my DD with an unsuitable guy who didn't treat her right, not violent just indifferent , I bit my tongue I didn't want to drive them closer, fortunately she saw the light and now she had a lovely BF who treats her like she is the most important person in the world.
Your parents won't think you are a failure they will be horrified he has taken them in too...
Keep posting we are all rooting for you x0 -
hun - so he doesnt beat you senseless? well not yet. you are getting warning signs and you KNOW this. dont make excuses for him! just because you have heard worse - does not mean he isnt abusive - he IS and you know it. look to your pysch course. do they regress and become little models of society? no. they escalate - but they can manage to keep themselves under control for fear of reprisal. I think - that is whats going on here. I did 5 years of social science and psychology with OU - and tbh - one year of counselling taught me more!
If you want it straight - you are risking not just your future happiness with this person - you are risking your life. think about it. PM me if you want to - will be willing to help0 -
Sweetheart, he doesn't have to actually punch you to be physically abusive. He is rough to you in order to control you, so that you are afraid of what he could do to you if you do something he doesn't like. This is how my Dad used to treat my Mum, he never actually hit her but the threat was always there. It was only after he died that my Mum came to realise how controlling he had been and how afraid she had been, how afraid we all were of him. Please look after yourself, what do you think your life would be like if you fell pregnant by him? he would always be in your life then. you are so young, don't sacrifice any more of your life to him.0
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Your parents won't think you are a failure for wanting to be happy - they love you and wouldn't want you to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If you're not sure about telling them you don't have to tell them everything just that you have outgrown the relationship and you want to focus on your study - how could parents not think that's a great idea? Best mention you're concerned about how he'll take the news so they can support you through the next few weeks.
It's really tough to leave a relationship where you feel worthless and that noone else will be interested and you're better off with him because you have few other friends etc - but if you can't imagine yourself buying a house with him and you're embarassed by his swearing and abusive behaviour then there is no point to this "relationship". I was in a relationship exactly like this and it ended up going from verbal abuse to physical and finally escalated to him attempting to kill me:eek:. Just because he has only done small violent things shouldn't be a reason to stay - he won't change
You will make friends - you seem like a lovely person from your posts - if there's noone on your course you can start conversations with then try an evening class - jewellery making/a new language in case you do decide to go travelling - or joining an exercise class- I met my best friend when we were both terrible at the back of a yoga class.
You get through every day as it comes until the day you look back on it all and breathe a sigh of relief that you made the decision not to be with someone who doesn't treat you with any respect.
Take your time to decide what to do from here - you don't have to rush into anything - I would advise anyone your age to see the world while you're young before the responsibility of a mortgage - but if you're in the middle of a term maybe better to wait until you're feeling more over him - no harm in a short break for a weekend though - Barcelona is lovely this time of year:D - keep us updated with how you're feeling as everyone posting here has been in some kind of similar situation"I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better." Paul Theroux0 -
You really need to speak to a domestic violence line so they can help you to see that controlling behaviour is a form of abuse and it doesn't have to involve physical violence. It is not going to get any better and he is not going to get any better, you need to get out of this now. Anyone who treats you like this at this early stage really needs to be kicked into touch - you cannot possibly think of having any kind of future with him - once you have a house it will be ten times harder to leave0
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It seems to me that you must have pretty wonderful parents. My evidence?
They have continued to provide a home to both you and your sister as well as seeing you both through college/university. They have given a roof over his head to your soon-to-be-ex (I hope!) boyfriend despite their own deep misgivings. Such is their desire to make you aware of how loved you are, they have even allowed you to talk them out of their own doubts and worries about him.
How are you repaying them? With honesty? Are you showing them that you know just how trustworthy they are by confiding at least some of the truth to them? Or are you so determined that you must be seen by the world as perfect that you are going to continue to treat them like dopes, who don't deserve the courtesy of being treated fairly?
I'm so sorry that this piece of scum has put you in this position but I do also so hope you realise that your only failure will be if you persist in the silence caused by your misplaced pride. Clearly, you are precious to them - won't you trust your folks to continue to do right by you and use their strength to help you find the brighter future you deserve? Good luck.0 -
I also was with someone like this. I met him when I was 17 and he was 24 - he was my 1st boyfriend. He was very controlling and told me I needed a good slap every six months to keep me in line :eek:. He didn't allow me to have my own friends or even see my sister that often as he said she would inflence me and give me the wrong ideas! He took my bank card and withdrew money when he wanted and I hardly had any, I didn't even get my hair cut or buy clothes so that he could have money for drink. I walked away from him once as I'd had enough of living like that - but two months later I went back to him as we lived in another town at the time where I didn't really know anyone apart from him, so it was a case of better the devil you know. All the time I kept telling myself "why am I doing this?".
We went on to have a child and his controlling got worse, he demanded I breastfeed the baby the minute he cried, hold him if he cried, he wouldn't allow me to leave him for one minute to see if he settled down. Basically I had jump to attention when the baby even made a sound. In the mornings I would have to take our son to the park for two hours, regardless of the weather so that OH could sleep. He wore me down and after 12 years I had finally had enough but he wouldn't allow me to leave with our son. It came to a head when I wouldn't massage his back again - I had to do it every night - so he held me down by sitting on my chest, slapped me around the head until I was sore and swollen and then the next day he called my mum and asked her to sort me out as I had post natal depression and was causing problems! The only problem I had was him!
He finally left me a few months later as I wouldn't leave without our son but he still had to have the upper hand by taking me to court for custody of our son - but luckily he lost as the court could see him for what he was. I had to endure seeing him for the next few years for the sake of my son, I always allowed him to see him whenever he chose and he still tried to control our lives even after we had split up. Luckily I met a new man who is now my husband, and he is absolutely fantastic and treats me like a queen. He made me realise that there are good men out there and you don't have to put up with the !!!!!! ones who try to bully you! Even my son finally figured out what his dad was like and chose not to visit him so often. He told DH that he was more of a dad to him than his own dad was. My ex died last year and while I was upset I was also relieved that I was free from him at last.
I never told my family what he was really like until we had split up and they were horrified - please don't live your life like me. You are still young and and have time to start again, and more importantly you don't have any kids to tie yourself to him. Please think of yourself and what you really deserve - and it isn't him!0 -
OP, I'm the mum of a 20 year old and I'd be devastated if she was going through something like this and didn't talk to me. I'd want to be there for here and protect her, not criticise her.
I'm sure your parents will be very supportive and help you through this. Think about telling them, as they will give you strength to finish this relationship.
You are young and have your whole life in front of you... Just think of the possibilities (activities, travels, jobs, new friends).somewhere between Heaven and Woolworth's0 -
So many replies here show how much people really care about you. I have children your age and work at a university too. You have to leave this man. Whatever emotional problems he has..they are his.
My advice in choosing a partner is he should be your best friend, he should make you laugh and be kind. Good sex is a plus too. He certainly doesn't tick all these boxes. Would you really want such a man as the father of your children? And don't feel guilty that we are being harsh about him...he deserves it and you are justified in all of your feelings.
When you walk away he will run after you. Not necessarily immediately but soon. That is when you have to stay strong. After a while he won't seem like a part of you. You need to keep busy to keep your mind away from the problem. You really should make use of the free counselling at your university. Go along and say it is urgent. Having someone to talk to should help keep you away from this sad abuser.
It might seem a lifetime away, but this time next year your life will be turned around. Good luck. Oh and like other posters, I KNOW your mum loves you and will do everything to help you. J.0 -
Just want to say good luck OP, you don't need him, just get rid of him. Lots of good replies on this thread, please do read them and think about getting away from this relationship.0
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