Mothers leaving their children

RoxieW

sidi - I had to post on this and share my experience - I hope it helps you in what I know from experience is a very tough decision.

My 'dream' job took me away from my children (just 2 and 4 at the time) for weekdays and I saw them at weekends. After 4 years as a SAHM it was a massive decision and leap for us all. They had to go into full time nursery. I still feel guilty about my 2 year old being in nursery from 7.30am until 5.30pm. I still feel guilty about not being there at nights to tuck them into bed. Horrendously guilty in fact. After 6 months I went part time which was much better all round. Your kids are at school so you wont have this issue but you will also be away from them for longer periods so the guilt issue is a big one for you also.
However - there were also huge positives. I was doing something for myself for a change after 4yrs of being nothing but wife and mother. I cant describe how amazing that was. I was doing something that I had always dreamed of doing but life got in the way and I thought I would never achieve what I have achieved. I am now a SAHM again and my time working has made me appreciate that. Had I not taking this opportunity I feel I would have been resentful, regretful and unfulfilled. I feel more secure, more confident, more pride in myself as a person for the professional things I have achieved. I appreciated my quality time with my children and still do. My relationship with my husband improved no end as well. He no longer took me for granted as he had for the past five years. he missed me and had more respect for me as a person in my own right - not just a wife/mother/housewife. I suddenly had interesting things to talk about and took more effort with my appearance. He had to learn not to rely on me for every thing and ACTUALLY LEARNT TO USE THE DISHWASHER!!

I still carry the guilt and sometimes I feel like a terrible mum. However, I can honestly say that I dont regret my decision. I achieved a personal dream and it was 1 year out of my childrens lives that they had to rely on dad rather then mum. If that makes me selfish then I must be selfish.

I hope that helps you.

sidi29

Roxie, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Everything you say has struck a real chord with me. I will probably still change my mind a few more times, but it really helps to hear from someone who has done it, and to hear that it all worked out for both you and your family.

Thanks to all the other posters too, it is really helpful to hear others opinions and experiences.

libbyc3

do you think that your kids will grow up and say thanks for not going to NY when we were younger, it would of really upset us?
i know you are not putting them in the position of ever having a guilt trip over you going but even so, presumably they are totally secure in their relationship with both mum and dad and when adults they will look back and think going to NY was just something mum did when they were younger and they had a wicked holiday out of it!

chinatown_2

What bothers me about this post is the lighthearted attitude people are taking with the "see them every 2-3 weeks". That may seem like a short time to you in your busy work life but to children its like forever! Your children aren't that young either, they'll already be picking up on your marriage woes whether you think you are hiding it or not and they could get the feeling you are abandoning them whilst you have a once in a lifetime experience.

My mother left me and my brother with my dad when we were tots. Im pleased though, and our situation is different, it wasnt just for 5 months. BUT the fact she could only be bothered to see us for a weekend once a fortnight is still a factor. Now Im a mother and my brother a father we both look back with disbelief tbh. She used to send us postcards telling us how fabulous her holidays were etc, like we'd be interested, it just annoyed us.

Be careful. Like someone else said if it gets to divorce/custordy at a later stage this could well go in favour of your husband. But maybe deep down you might want this so you can pursue your career?

And when your children are older please dont spout them a sob story how you did it for them, or it was too good a chance to turn down. When your children are parents themselves they might not quite have the same view and may indeed think watching children grow up is too good a chance to turn down.

I dont mean to sound harsh though Im aware thats how this may read, but please please put your children first. If things are meant to be theres ways and means around it. Good luck whatever you choose.
x

lostinrates

chinatown wrote: »

That may seem like a short time to you in your busy work life but to children its like forever!
x

I'm not suggesting its ideal, but there are children in boarding school at that age, who go longer without seeing either parent, and many more who live with one parent seeing the other at that dort of interval, or less if they, as suggested before, are in the services.

chinatown_2

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm not suggesting its ideal, but there are children in boarding school at that age, who go longer without seeing either parent, and many more who live with one parent seeing the other at that dort of interval, or less if they, as suggested before, are in the services.

Well unfortunately in the services there isnt much choice (forgive me if Im wrong, I dont have any experience of this). Boarding school is a parental choice and thats a whole new thread .

lostinrates

chinatown wrote: »

Well unfortunately in the services there isnt much choice (forgive me if Im wrong, I dont have any experience of this). Boarding school is a parental choice and thats a whole new thread .

I agree, I'm just saying children survive, and sometimes thrive under circumstances we wouldn't think of as ideal. (personally, and I'm not a parent, but have been the child in this situation, I'd take them to the US, the caveat would be if the eldest were approaching exam years.)

Kimberley

chinatown wrote: »

I dont mean to sound harsh though Im aware thats how this may read, but please please put your children first. If things are meant to be theres ways and means around it. Good luck whatever you choose.
x

There are also times when you need to put yourself first. She is not abandoning them by going on a selfish Holiday, she is going out there to work. In anycase by doing this job she is putting her kids futures in mind. What do you suggest she do? Children leave home eventually and they won't think her for it. They will leave and she and her hubby will be left alone. Why shouldn't she put herself first for a change, it's only 6 months for petes sake not forever and how quick does 6 months go? Can you imagine the opportunities that could arise from this experience?

Janepig

To me, it seems like the sort of opportunity that if you turn it down, you may well always look back with regret when the children are older that you didn't go for it, but I can't imagine that you would look back with regret if you do go for it. Does that make sense?

Jxx

chinatown_2

Janepig wrote: »

To me, it seems like the sort of opportunity that if you turn it down, you may well always look back with regret when the children are older that you didn't go for it, but I can't imagine that you would look back with regret if you do go for it. Does that make sense?

Jxx

Well that depends on the courts when they battle for the kids.