Mothers leaving their children

sidi29

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate hearing everyone's opinions. I think my major concern is that we are now in a new area, I know that I would definately have done it if we still lived in our old area. I think to some extent I am hoping that doing something like this would be the make or break situation that my marriage needs. We have been plodding along for years. We are amicable, but I either want to fall in love with him again or walk away with the confidence that an experience like this would bring.

My children could not come but I would hope that when we were together it would be for at least a week. (half term, thanksgiving, christmas etc) My sister lives in New York and could help with childcare. The children are 12, 10 and 7. I do not think my husband would seek full time custody of the kids, he can be a very selfish man, and likes his freedom, I have no qualms about leaving them with him though as he is a fantastic father, just not a good husband and maybe an experience like this would help to stop him taking me for granted so much.

minimoneysaver

If you already have a sister in NY, then surely you can figure it out to take the children with you? You could hire a nanny to help for the hours outside of school. It would be a fantastic experience for the children and they wouldn't be without their mother.

bestpud

I agree you could look at ways to take them with you.

I'm thinking you may be looking forward to a 'single' existance as much as anything though, so don't really want your children there with you?

Have you thought how you will feel if this turns into a repeated offer?

I don't know your line of work, but if you are successful, you may well be offered another contract abroad and not want to turn that down either. Are you going to keep taking off, or will you refuse after this one?

sidi29

I have thought about taking them, but I think that having just settled them into a new school/home, I would be very reluctant to disrupt them further. There is a chance that I could get more work in the US, if the contract goes beyond february I wouldn't hesitate to take them with me, my husband knows this and I think I am just 'testing the water' to some extent. It isn't really that I want a 'single' existence. I was on my own with them while my husband worked away for 2 years, so maybe I want him to experience how difficult it can be, so he no longer takes me for granted. This is not however the main reason for not taking them, I just feel it could be more unsettling.
Thanks for the replies.

bestpud

If you are going to end up separating, or even before that point, I think it is really important you don't fall into the trap of using the children as pawns.

Is he used to looking after them for extended periods? Or, more to the point, are they used to him?

Will he need to use childcare, as he'd have little in the way of back up?

Out of interest, why have you moved to a different area?

I'm being really nosey - sorry!

sidi29

We moved because of my husband's job. He is a very hands-on father but yes he will need to have some childcare, probably just after school club as he can work pretty flexible hours. I think the more I write the more awful it all sounds, but that is what I wanted really; to be able to view the situation objectively. I change my mind everyday, I think that probably means none of us are ready for this. There may be other opportunities in the future, I think if it hadn't been for the move I would have done it. Thanks everyone.

Dave_liverpool

sidi29 wrote: »

I have the opportunity of a short work contract in New York. My children are all school age and would stay at home with their father. I would be expected to go away for 5 months, obviously as it isn't too far away I would visit the children and they could come and see me. I would anticipate seeing them every two to three weeks. (some of these visits would be over the school holidays and therefore fairly long periods of time)

My question is has anyone else done this? it is a great opportunity for me, but it just doesn't sit right with me leaving my children for so long. Another motivating factor in my decision is that my marriage is on it's last legs, we are very amicable, but it is going nowhere and I really feel I need to do something for myself that doesn't involve my husband.

where are you that makes New York not very far away?

I don't have children but I'd go, many people work away from home and I think its a short period of time, fit in at least 1 visit each way and time will fly by.

Mojisola

sidi29 wrote: »

I have thought about taking them, but I think that having just settled them into a new school/home, I would be very reluctant to disrupt them further. There is a chance that I could get more work in the US, if the contract goes beyond february I wouldn't hesitate to take them with me, my husband knows this and I think I am just 'testing the water' to some extent. It isn't really that I want a 'single' existence. I was on my own with them while my husband worked away for 2 years, so maybe I want him to experience how difficult it can be, so he no longer takes me for granted. This is not however the main reason for not taking them, I just feel it could be more unsettling.
Thanks for the replies.

Do you think the children suffered as a result of this? If they didn't, why do you think they would if you had a short spell away?

I can see that the offer coming just after you've moved makes things more difficult but children are very adaptable. Think of the kudos they will get among their new friends, having a Mum who is working in New York!

I don't think you need to be worried about how this may affect the living arrangements for the children if you do eventually split with your OH. If he has worked away from the family for 2 years, he can hardly bring up your short spell away in the discussions.

lostinrates

My parents frequently worked away, also DH's parents. DH went to NYC with one parent while his sibling stayed at home with the other, and went to school for a few months, sounds very siilar. His family had recently moved countries, but his parents marriage was strong. (the children went in turns to different places with the travelling parents, so got equal but different experiences).

I moved school and countries a lot at primary age, and think it gave me experiences that helped later in life.

Good luck making the decision.

Kimberley

Go for it and good luck. I wish I hadn't wasted opportunities I had and if i could go back then I would. This will benefit all your lives. It is not as if you are leaving them home alone.