My husband has really annoyed me

Pee

Giving up golf doesn't sound too much to ask - and you said that the tax credits are wrong and need adjusting and he isn't listening to that either.

I don't think that you are boring, and I don't think you should need a job to prove that you aren't. I think he knows just how special you are and does not want you finding out, because like a few of the other posters have suggested, once you have a job and feel a bit more confident you might decide there are other areas of your life you would like to change, starting with him.

On the other hand, if he says he won't take a child to hospital, even though it's reasonable that you expect him to, I don't see how you can make him. Do you have any friends, family or in laws who could do this? Or could you reasonably take that time off yourself?

It sounds like he is very bothered by what his friends or other people think, my wife doesn't have to work... I'm not sure who he looks up to, but I'm thinking Posh Spice doesn't have to work, yet she chooses to, does that reflect badly on David Beckham's earning capacity?

londoner1998

alwaysworried wrote: »

Hello again,

Sorry wrong choice of words I used. He doesnt mind doing the shopping, I meant that he wouldnt need to do anymore shopping or chores than he does already.

Sorry to have confused you about that. My head is all over the place at the moment.

To the other posters (sorry cant do multi quotes), There is no after school care for my children.

I have called my mum and told her, and she has basically said if its going to cause me problems at home then I should just not bother taking the job.

Do you know what im in a no win situation here because it doesnt matter what I do im going to be unhappy one way or the other.

Right, this is infuriating... your choice of words is very telling and I still don't understand why you are trying to justify what he is doing and saying, when clearly he is making you worried and sad about a situation that you both shoudl be celebrating with a great meal and a bottle of champagne... I repeat, the times when woman had to ask permission to have a job, drive a car or go out alone are long gone!!! Since when a grown up person has to ask permission to take a job and do something that will ensure their children and household will be well provided???? Why should you sacrifice yourself to avoid 'problemas at home'??? It doesn't matter what he thinks about your pay or whether he thinks is wroth it or not. It is YOUR job offer and YOU will decide about that.
For what you write, the one bringing problems at home was him, by having an affair. Again, a very sexist view that doesn't stand up these days. What your husband is doing by refusing to take your child to hospital is blackmail, pure and simple. Someone has to and if he doesn't, he knows it will be you. Again. Don't let him do this to you. Can you get someone you trust (a friend, sibling, good neighbour) take your son to hospital? You need to show him you will not bend to his blackmail. I think he has no right to put you in this situation. I think he is very intimidated by your potential independence. Don't forget that those with the most bravado are the ones most insecure deep inside. Sorry about the rant, but this subject really gets me furious. You have earned that job. Now go out there and enjoy your life. Don't let his sulking, insecurity and miserabilism get to you. You will only be unhappy if you keep trying to do things based on other people's wishes and opinions...

puddy

Hi OP, sorry for sounding harsh yesterday about the chores thing, but I agree with Londoner, you may think you made the wrong choice of words, but in fact you revealed more about your mind set than you realise. the mindset that i would suggest has been created by him over the years.

the mindset being that you can ferry around doing all the wifey, mummy things, being the little woman, being DEPENDENT on him (financially, emotionally and physically) and therefore if you want to do something outside of that role, then it mustnt affect him or the routine in any way.

well guess what, life changes, routines change, as a member of the family he has to be flexible about it, thats what he signed up for when he got married and a family.

what does he think your value is,,, as a person i mean, not just as a wife and mother? not just as someone in his shadow to support him, where is his support for you and your ambition, needs, wants?

i would also suggest that if you mum is saying that to you, then you may have also grown up with messages in your own family that you need to put up and shut up, meaning it has been easy for your husband to manipulate in the way he has.

im not trying to upset you, i hope you dont think so, but people like him make me so angry and you need to hear how it presents to someone outside of your family

puddy

Pee wrote: »

Giving up golf doesn't sound too much to ask - and you said that the tax credits are wrong and need adjusting and he isn't listening to that either.

I don't think that you are boring, and I don't think you should need a job to prove that you aren't. I think he knows just how special you are and does not want you finding out, because like a few of the other posters have suggested, once you have a job and feel a bit more confident you might decide there are other areas of your life you would like to change, starting with him.

On the other hand, if he says he won't take a child to hospital, even though it's reasonable that you expect him to, I don't see how you can make him. Do you have any friends, family or in laws who could do this? Or could you reasonably take that time off yourself?

It sounds like he is very bothered by what his friends or other people think, my wife doesn't have to work... I'm not sure who he looks up to, but I'm thinking Posh Spice doesn't have to work, yet she chooses to, does that reflect badly on David Beckham's earning capacity?

no, i never believe that men like this want the prestige of their wives not working (although it comes as a 'bonus' to them), he wants her at home so she is the drudge, stripping away her self confidence that she could be doing anything other than wife and mother role.

once she is working again, plus with the likelyhood that she will go further, she will gain confidence, start questioning her role, start seeing his control and questioning that. THATS what he doesnt like, i honestly think the money doesnt come into it, i mean look at this way, hes not too proud to claim WFTC, but is too proud to have his wife working?? i dont think so

londoner1998

jenner wrote: »

no, i never believe that men like this want the prestige of their wives not working (although it comes as a 'bonus' to them), he wants her at home so she is the drudge, stripping away her self confidence that she could be doing anything other than wife and mother role.

once she is working again, plus with the likelyhood that she will go further, she will gain confidence, start questioning her role, start seeing his control and questioning that. THATS what he doesnt like, i honestly think the money doesnt come into it, i mean look at this way, hes not too proud to claim WFTC, but is too proud to have his wife working?? i dont think so

Spot on Jenner, we must be twin sisters, because I completely agree with you.

carolan78

It sounds like you really need this job for you so I would take it. I would tell them when I accept my son has an hospital appointment on X date that you have tried to change but can't so you would need x hours off for this appointment but if they would like you can come in for those hours on your day off. Explain future appointments will of course be arranged around your working hours but this one is out of your control due to how close it is.

As for the Fridays tell him he will pick his children up as they are equally yours and his responsibility. Tell him if he can't handle it his suitcase can be packed. He is the one that betrayed you and instead of trying to make up for it, it seems he is trying to make it your fault, which it isn't. *hugs* whatever you do I hope you do it for you and not some moaning ungrateful hubby xx

beverleyhills

I think that you are at one of the 'make or break' points in your relationship.
You are not receiving the respect, that you should have as an equal partner in the marriage.
I would take the job, after all it is initially a temporary arrangement. As the employer is known to you, can you discuss your problems with your child and see whether you can find a solution? You are probably doing your previous employer a favour. You know the ropes and will not give the hassle that someone new may give.

Perhaps you should arrange to go to Relate on your own, to clarify your feelings. Remember this is about you, not your mother or your husband. You are a person in your own right.

alwaysworried_2

Thank you again for your replies, and londoner Im sorry I dont mean to infuriate you.

This job mean alot to me. I want to feel independent, I want to feel good about myself and bringing home money no matter how much will make me feel good and independent.

I have always done what other people want and have never pleased myself. Ive always worried about what other people think about me or about what I do, and ive always wanted to please other people.

my husband is making me feel bad for taking this job saying that by the time we spend more on petrol it wont be worth it!!!!! I think ive finally got through to him that the tax credits will be taken away from us.

He says he isnt taking our son to his hospital appointments because the appointment is at 10am, by the time he gets out from the appointment and by son back to school it will be 11 oclock and he finishes work that day at 1pm. He also says that as he is the main earner, there is no point in him taking the time off, it should be me because I earn less. Which is fair enough I can see his point there.

So, I can either cancel the appointment and make it for another time or I can call my employer and tell him that I forgot about that appointment and I need to keep it and can they honour it.

By me taking this job it wont make any difference to my husbands day to day routine except on the Friday because he wont be able to play golf!!!!

Today I went out and bought myself new clothes for starting work and I should have been happy about it, but I wasnt because of my husbands attitude but I will be taking this job and if it turns out to be temporary then so be it, if it turns out permenant then great, because I will find ME again.

londoner1998

Oh, sweetie, is not you who infuriates me, is the fact that millions of talented, amazingly capable women throw it all away because of insecure d**heads and get what in return? Nothing, nt even a thank you, becasue oh, you know, 'I am the main breadwinner'
Oh, so there it is : he is the 'main breadwinner'- how interesting, the balance of power is what this is all about. He wasted no time in reminding you that you will earn less than he does. I work with a lot of men (managed by an awesome woman), and there are a couple of fathers- more than once I have seen one of them rushing out becasue there was an emergency and 'I have to take my son to hospital'- ???? The wife dosn't work, so what? It is his son and he wants to be involved. That is what I call a man and a father.
You know what? Well done in buying those clothes- make yourself as gorgeous as you can and start doing things on your own. You don't need the constant stream of negativity bringing you down.

It seems you are well on your way to be YOU again and regaining your self respect. May be when he sees wjat you are capable of he will rethink his opinion of you and start treating as you deserve- as an incredible, independent, hard-working lady. Go for it!!

Zeldazog

A lot of people have already said what I was thinking - I am sure your employers will be fine about you having the time off for that pre-arranged hospital appointment, although to be quite frank, I think it's appalling that he is refusing to do so when clearly he could do it if he wanted to.

God, I am so glad I am single at times! As hard as it is being a single parent, I haven't got anybody grinding me down, telling me what I can and can't do, etc.

Take the job. Find a childcare for Friday afternoons if he won't budge. Even if what you earn ends up going on petrol, childcare fees, etc, clearly you need it for your own sake - so long as it doesn't affect him in anyway, I don't see how he can even comment - he doesn't deserve an opinion.

From reading through, I agree - it's about control - he doesn't want you to feel independent and get your self-esteem back - that's what weight issue is about. Actually, where does he think the extra money for the gym would come from anyway???

Be proud of yourself. Sounds like you've done most of the parenting, run the household, etc - he's bluddy lucky to have you and that you didn't kick him in to touch for the affair.

Hope it works out, whatever you do.