My husband has really annoyed me

alwaysworried_2

Hello,

I just need to vent on here.

Ive just been offered a job by my previous employer, and ive decided to take it. its only 3 days a week and its on temporary until December, but, there is a chance that it might become permenant.

Im over the moon with this, and feel really upbeat and happy about it. I used to work for my husband when he was self employed, however he sold the business in February, and havent worked since then. He is working with his previous employer and has been doing so since April. Because of his wages we get £348 tax credits per month.

This tax credit will actually be wrong, because my husband has been given a wage rise which is only temporary (he is covering a job for someone who is sick, but, they are due back to work in a few months time) Therefor the tax credits will take this away from us because of the extra amount my husband will be getting.

He doesnt seem to realise that the tax credit will be reduced whether I take the job or not and he isnt very happy about me taking on the job because he says I will be working for basically £200 per month ( will get £550 a month from the job because its only part time).

Im not taking the job because of the money, im taking the job for my own sanity, and because I still keep in touch with the people I used to work with, therefore will get to see them more AND I will feel like a person agaoin not just a wife or a mum. Whenever I meet people I will have something to talk about so instead of someone saying to me "what have you been up to" and me always saying "nothing", I will be able to tell them a bit about my job.

I really feel as if my husband has taken the light away from me and has now put me in a downer, and Im really fed up with him doing this. When i told him I was doing it for company and to meet people, he told me to start going to the gym (this is because I do really need to lose about 3 stone).

Is anyone elses husband like this or is it just mine.

I know when he comes home from work tonight he will be like "take the job if you want its up to you", but really he will mean I dont want you to take the job, and he probably be in a right bad mood, and there will be a terrible atmosphere in the house.

Im in a right downer now after being so happy that I will be a person again

Pee

What does taking the job mean to him?

Will you then expect him to take on more childcare, more cooking, more housework? If so, those are his reasons, and I guess that's pretty understandable, why should I do housework so that you can improve our family finances by very little?

Is he worried about you getting back with your old friends, enjoying yourself without him and being a lot more independent?

Is he suggesting you go to the gym because you go on about the weight you have to lose and he's being nice or to put you down because he doesn't want you to realise how smashing you are and to lose you, possibly because he's not feeling too great having sold the business and gone back to his previous employer? I don't know whether this was a positive or negative move for him?

mummy_Jay

Well done you.

It sounds like its just what you need to get your family/ work life balance right for you. He's not been at home with the kids all this time and probably doesn't understand your need to be you rather that some ones wife or mother.

You should be proud of yourself and happy, don't let him put a downer on it. Once he see the difference it will make in you and how much happier you will be, he may have to eat his words.

Pee

BTW being offered a job by a former employer is a real compliment.

londoner1998

Hey, alwaysworried-
first of all, congratulations about the job!!
Right- I don't know anything of you or your partner, but it seems your husband feels threatened by the independence your new job will give you. A sound argument as that 'who can afford to turn down a job these days?'- what does he say to that? I agree with Pee that perhaps selling his business has taken a toll on his confidence, but that is no reason to discourage you. What I would say is: congratulate yourself for getting that job, explain to him that will make you happy to have a job and your self-steen back and that you will be working and contributing to your common project- ie- your marriage and household. Whether he will have to do more or less childcare and domestic chores is quite frankly beside the point, in my opinion. He should be supportive of you and your goals. Period. The gym issue is separate I think. Whether you need to lose weight or not, I can't see how is that connected with accepting a job offer that comes as great news for you. Going to the gym will not give you financial independence and expose you to new people and potential friends as a job will do. I am blessed to have a mega-supportive partner who is behind me everytime and checks my job applications. Even it the jobs mean not seeing too much of each other, we back each other up to move forward profesionally and financially(he works very long hours too). If I were you, I would explain how much it means to me, and make it clear that you respect his opinion and understand that it might come as as bit of shock after all that happened (selling his business, etc...) but you will take it becasue you really think will be good for you. And then, move on. Leave him to it, if he wants. As simple as that. He is your husband, not your master. Why should you feel bad about being offered a job? Good luck

londoner1998

ps- I am not from the UK, and come from a place in the Basque Country where unemployment was rampant all thorugh the 80's and 90's. I saw my brother (ten years older than me) struggling from job to job and going off in the summer to pick potatoes (and hey, my dad was happy to support and help, as he lived in the family house but that wouldn't even enter the equation). The suggestion that jobs can be turned down just like that when there aren't any around, has always really baffled me and it is almost offensive to people like me. Mention this to your OH, see what he says... plus, who knows where this job offer can take you in the future??

alwaysworried_2

Thank you for your replies.

The only thing my husband wont be able to do if I take this job is go golfing on a Friday because he will need to pick the kids up from school, thats the only difference. He wont have to do anything in the house, he wont have to go shopping for me or anything, and I think this is the thing that gets to him. I also think its a status thing with him ie when he sold the business he was saying to everyone "oh my wife doesnt need to work", and hes right I dont need to work but I WANT to work.

He keeps going on about the tax credit thing, but, I keep explaining to him, with all this extra work he has to do, we cant touch that so he is doing this extra job for nothing because we will have to pay that to the tax credit people.

The people Im going to work for, he knows them and he likes them, so I dont think thats the issue.

The going to the gym thing, well, my weight bothers HIM more than me. I know I have to lose some weight and when im good and ready I will lose it, hes the one that keeps going on about it.

My husband is a very confident person, so his confidence hasnt taken a knock because he sold his business. He did okay out of it, and we paid a massive amount off our mortage and had a fantastic holiday as well, and weve still got a little bit in the bank.

Youi know, the thing ive got to laugh at, when I first gave up my job, I was really really depressed, I didnt want to give it up but I had to becasue my husband was just setting up his business, and I couldnt work full time and look after the children and house all by myself. Our youngest was only a baby at the time, so something had to go, so, it was my job. I knew there was nothing my husband could have done because he was setting up his business and was working really long hours. It took me a long time to get out of the depression. I finally found out my husband had an affair, and whe I asked him why he said I became boring I had nothing to talk about!!!!!! So yet again I find myself not having my own life (IYSWIM) and am prepared to do something to sort that and hes not happy.

I cant bloody win :mad:

jack*tigger

Congratulations on the job offer.

How long will your OH be in a mood for??? Is your sanity worth a few hours/days of grumpyness ??

I would say go for it, he'll get over it. Especially when he sees you in a best more upbeat mood.

alwaysworried_2

jack*tigger wrote: »

Congratulations on the job offer.

How long will your OH be in a mood for??? Is your sanity worth a few hours/days of grumpyness ??

I would say go for it, he'll get over it. Especially when he sees you in a best more upbeat mood.

Days maybe weeks, hes not used to not getting his own way, and im sick fed up of trying to please other people.

floss2

alwaysworried wrote: »

...The only thing my husband wont be able to do if I take this job is go golfing on a Friday because he will need to pick the kids up from school, thats the only difference.

Maybe he can drop to 9 holes rather than 18?

alwaysworried wrote: »

...He keeps going on about the tax credit thing, but, I keep explaining to him, with all this extra work he has to do, we cant touch that so he is doing this extra job for nothing because we will have to pay that to the tax credit people.

Why not print off the calculation from tax credits using his temporary pay rise, and then another showing your wages......and then he can see that you will actually be better off even after losing the tax credits?

londoner1998

So sorry to hear you had to get over an affair... that's terrible. I'm sorry but to say that you were boring as an excuse for having an affair, well, it doesn't wash with me... my oh was in a rotten mood yesterday, I was chirpy and upbeat (it is usually the other way round) and I didn't go out and hooked up with somebody else...'because my OH is boring and doesn't have anything to talk about'- hell, the stuff some people have to listen to...
It seems to me there is a bigger problem here than the job itself- it is called control and you know what? You CAN win- go out there, take that job, make your bosses proud that they re-hired you and start thinking and making decisions for yourself, not for him. Sorry, but the times when wives had to put up with this kind of behaviour are long gone ...Again, he is entitled not to like it, but you can disagree , can't you???