Please help want to split but husband wont move out

DigitalJedi

I hate the word abuse. Its so often used to describe something the poster doesn't like about their OH just to justify their actions rather than what I would say is "real abuse".

So lucysmum, if your OH is sexually abusing you, why on earth are you staying? If things were THAT bad surely you'd have left rather than taking your time getting him out?

The problem is that you both jointly own the house and he has just as much right to stay in it as you do. The argument that he should leave cos he can is irrelevent. Why should he move out of his own home? He has just as much right to suggest you do as well.

You can appeal to his better nature once you've told him the relationship is over but as for legal recourse you have none. The only thing you can do is force the house to be sold by court order. That will take a long time, cost a lot and up until that point he can come/go and live there as he pleases. Just like you can.

knowledgepower1

What I disagree with is how easy women want the man to just leave the house for them after every bit of argument.
In this case, she could have left the house and get a room nearby and start legal proceedings. Obviously she can afford it.

fatou256

first and foremost Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence, to which the police can get involved and often does

Secondly, her account is very sketchy and contradictory at best and she doesn’t sounds like she lives in fear , because if she did she would have behave very differently look towards her safety, she will not wait until her husband moved out !

she claim she is controlling her financially .. .. well she says that her wages is paid into a joint account so she has much access to it than he does .. remember for the abuser (wether subtle or not) is all about control towards their victim . the sign that you will look for in financial abuse could be as follow : Rigidly controlling your finances, Withholding money or credit cards, Making you account for every penny you spend, Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter), Restricting you to an allowance ,Preventing you from working or choosing your own career, Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly), Stealing from you or taking your money.

From her post I see none of that !

She mentioned that “I have to watch every single penny” a hardly a sign from a victim of abuse who has no control over spending habit , moreover she knows all about the no asset, finance of the household and have access to a computer, she is working etc..
Then she goes on about “ And by the way he spends all his income on on drink so what little I do get goes on the bills and the kids.” This statement is very contradictory for various reason first she claims that her husband money goes all towards drink and that she pays everything from her part time wages and that the little money she makes goes to the bill….

Then onto another post she said that all money from him and her goes to a joint account … so she as much access to it than he does . subsequently the money she draw out are from both of them probably! she went to say that they have no debt so she know a lot about the household finance , a victim of abuse will hardly know all that ( maybe I am a bit too cynical )

Her comment that “ for your information I wish to leave my husband for years of domestic abuse which my children are now old enough to be affected by.”

This for me it is just a passing opinion as if she was abused for many years then the kid would have been already affected by it, and surely not just after many years. The nursery where the kid goes too would have seen sign and/or behaviour of it !


Furthermore, She said that that “ we live in a tiny village and I dont drive, and my work and the kids school and nursery is just down the street. “ surely an abused woman would want to go as far way from the abuser for her own safety and the children too so I found it hard that she is traumatised so much by his behaviour that sse is considering to stay close to him . but her following statement “obviously the kids need their dad and their needs are absolutely paramount (though you could argue that if he cared THAT much he would have aboided it coming to this ... )” doe sthat contradict this statement “For your information I wish to leave my husband for years of domestic abuse which my children are now old enough to be affected by.” As surely t if their need where paramount to her than she should put them into safety but no she doesn’t’t, but what get me the most is her very vindictive comment “ if he care that much he woudl have avoided coming to this… “ , it sound to me that she was / is probably bored being with him because she does say she want to” be alone and so want him out “. A very odd comment form a woman claiming that she was abuse severely by him throughout many years and the fact she still consider that heir kids need to see their dad after separation , show clearly that he is probably not such a bad dad after all !

But back to her first post when the real reason for her to leave is as follow “We have two children and if I am honest I think I have stayed for them …. Another reason was that I always assumed I couldn’t manage on my own as I have worked part time since having the kids and don’t earn very much. “ So basically I agree with victory comment that she is bored stiff and fed up with her married life, that probably want more out of her life than she as now.

her comment “Its been a long time coming I think, and sadly here we are” denote a sense of boredom and probably that shed has already though long and hard to leave him but never had the courage to do so until she went onto entitled to and realise that she will be able to live on her won and look after her children .
s o the fact she has access to a joint account, that she goes to work, etc.. point out to me that there is no abuse at all but merely that she ahs a grudge against him for probably not paying too much attention to her over the year .. “though you could argue that if he cared THAT much he would have aboided it coming to this”.

However abuse ain any relationship is wrong and probably people reading this thread should have a look at this link
http://www.famouspeople.org.uk/

smartpicture

I really think we're getting off track here. Maybe there's abuse, maybe there isn't, it's not really up to us to tell the OP that she's not allowed to get a divorce because we don't approve of her reasons!! It's impossible to have the whole story about a marriage in a few paragraphs anyway.

As for the argument about 'why should he leave', that's as irrelevant as asking 'why should she leave'. The only consideration should be that it's clearly best for the children to stay in the family home, so if that is at all financially possible then whichever parent is going to be the main carer should stay in the family home with the children. This could be the OP or her partner as far as I'm concerned, that's for them to sort out - although the OP should be careful of presuming that it will be her.

In my opinion, the OP should either go to Relate if her husband is willing, or if she is determined to divorce (and whatever her reasons, how many women would willingly put themselves and their children through that unless they had very good reason!) see a solictior to get some unbiased advice based on legal principles rather than the advice on her morals she's getting here.

Thriftysaver

I went through abuse, and I did all those stupid things like stay because he is the father and the kids need him. Fourteen years I stayed. I am an intelligent woman and I did stupid things that I bork at now. I wasn't bored I absolutely worshipped him until I looked over the fence of the prison I was in, realised that this wasn't normal and it took another two years for me to get the courage to leave. He would promise me the world. And no I never had black eyes or broken noses. He was too clever for that. He used to stick his knuckes into the nape of my neck push his face upto me and threaten me. I would be in tears and he would call me everything, useless etc. In fact intellectually I could run rings round him and he knew it. Once I realised it, a slow process followed of gaining self respect and getting ME back to ME. I own me. No one else. I then kicked his sorry a$$ out again (this was 'normal') and never took him back. But house was in my name so was easier.

OP's confidence may now be returning and she does'nt have to prove that she is not suffering abuse. The people around know and that will be good enough proof when she goes to court to remove him from the house.

As for if she was really being abused then she would have got the kids out quick. Then I must be a really bad mum. Sorry. Because as I said I stayed for 14 years. And yes it does affect their kids. They miss their dad. Mine didn't see their dad, and something inside me was really sad that they didn't have a relationship with him. Because he was supposed to be the other person who loves them as much as me. My kids loved their dad. This person who abused their mum. Why?

If things become unbearable op, Go to LA who can direct you to domestic violence unit to rehouse you and kids. The property can be sorted out whilst divorce being dealt with. House will either be sold or transferred to either one of you (depending on affordability).

jazzyjustlaw

Sorry OP that you are suffering. See a Solicitor or perhaps your local domestic violence unit.

You can certainly tell who on this thread has suffered Domestic Violence and those that haven't.

viktory

jazzyjustlaw wrote: »

You can certainly tell who on this thread has suffered Domestic Violence and those that haven't.

What complete and utter rubbish.

Fool.

fatou256

[QUOTE=Thriftysaver;25204881
OP's confidence may now be returning and she does'nt have to prove that she is not suffering abuse. The people around know and that will be good enough proof when she goes to court to remove him from the house.
.[/QUOTE]


i am sorry to hear what you ahve been through althoughI do agree with you that she doesn't have to prove her abuse. she will have to do it if she decided to pursue the matter through court and not just by telling a sad story does not make evidence.

here what i am trying to show is that her story doens't add up, there is a lot of inconsistency in what she is saying or does.

my other point is making a false clain of domestic abuse can be very damaging for a person life.

I have seen domestic abuse myself ( in my previous work) and to be honest i do no beleive one word from her story .

Indout96

Hmm
If you are going to post at least keep it consistant. In your OP you are claiming JSA but further down your husband is taking your money as you say

All my wages go into the joint account

Make your mind up.

As for the argument about 'why should he leave', that's as irrelevant as asking 'why should she leave'

No its not, from the start she wants him to leave because SHE has decided thats what SHE wants. When all the post dont go her way the abuse card comes into play. If she wants out its simple, go rent a flat / house just dont get one thats too expensive as it sounds like our tax will be paying for it.

Anastasia

My sister is in this situation. She had to start divorce proceedings while they were living together. They have mediation to help her OH come to terms with and plan for moving out. It is hard going through the divorce while still living in the same house.

She is able to claim tax credits as a single person so gets more because they are technically separated even though he still lives there.

Ana