Please help want to split but husband wont move out

gizmo111

Most would not dare say a thing, and would flee with the children to a place if safety. Telling a truly abusive husband you want him out is not something I'd recommend - would you?

I did and there followed four of the most miserable months in the lives of me and my children waiting for the solicitors to fight it out until he finally went.

lucysmum_2

Thank you for the kind people who have taken the time here to give me some positive avenues. I thought this site was always about support and advice where we could help each other, clearly not in this case for everyone.

To clarify, my children are 2 and 4, domestic abuse takes many forms, one of them being financial and sexual, just because my husband does not come home from work and give me a slap for the tea not being on the table does not mean I am not the victim of abuse. He drinks and he changes and while this is not often when it is it is terrifying. Then I forgive him. Then it happens again a few months later. He also controls me financially. All my wages go into the joint account to pay bills and my husbands wage £500 into the joint) and the rest goes down his neck at our local. I have to watch every single penny. He denies our children. That is why I want to end the relationship, it is very oppressive. Some people are making it sound like I just dont like him any more and fancy getting him out and keeping everything - believe me there is nothing to keep. I doubt there is any equity in our house and whilst we have no debts we dont have any assets. My reason for him moving out and me not is that we live in a tiny village and I dont drive, and my work and the kids school and nursery is just down the street. Whereas he could rent or move back with family for now and drive to work.

And I can assure you I havent posted this before, check. Its probably that a lot of women are in my situation unfortunately.

Tiddlywinks

purplepardalis wrote: »

That's the kind of answer I was after..... Although it does seem to be a blatant abuse of the Thanks system.

I will no longer look at a member's 'Thanks' score as a reliability of their helpfulness.

Oh for goodness sake, do get down from your high horse:rolleyes:.

I thanked some of the posts because I agreed with the views expressed and wanted to say thanks for articulating them in a way that represented my train of thought. Happy now?

bestpud

purplepardalis wrote: »

That's the kind of answer I was after..... Although it does seem to be a blatant abuse of the Thanks system.

I will no longer look at a member's 'Thanks' score as a reliability of their helpfulness.


Sorry OP for hijacking this slightly - whatever situation you are in I hope you have a happier life in the future

It is all subjective, don't forget!

We are real people, with real opinions, and one person's 'helpful' is another person's 'judgemental' and so forth.

It is perfectly acceptable to thank someone for saying something we agree with, and we think is helpful.

You wouldn't accept opinions as fact if several people thanked the person in RL, so I'm not sure why you would on here...?

Paparika

lucysmum wrote: »

Hi please someone help.

After lots of issues I have decided I want to divorce my husband. Its been a long time coming I think, and sadly here we are. We have two children and if I am honest I think I have stayed for them. But things arent good. Another reason was that I always assumed I couldnt manage on my pwn as I have worked part time since having the kids and dont earn very much. I have put my details if I was to leave into entitled to and was very surprised to find out I may be ok. The problem I have got now is, our house is jointly bought and my husband doesnt want to leave. Not for the house but because of the kids. My husbands work is in a nearby town and he drives there but my work and my childrens school and nursery is within a stones throw of the house and I dont see why we should go anywhere (my family are about half an hour away anyway and I dont drive). I really dont know what I can do if anything. I want him to move out and be on my own but obviously the kids need their dad and their needs are absolutely paramount (though you could argue that if he cared THAT much he would have aboided it coming to this ... ) I know I need to seek legal advice but Im just not ready to walk into a solicitors yet.:wall:

This rang a bell, this was me just over 10 years ago, i was in an abusive marriage, and he wouldn't leave, although we had a council home, he refused to leave, told me to get out with our 4 year old..
I went to a solicitor, said i wanted a divorce and that he refused to leave, once the letter addressed to him was opened, he realised i did indeed mean business and promptly moved house.


But i would like to point out that i did ask him several times to leave, i had been married to him for 10 years, but with him12 years, and i stayed because of our son, then realised that this was probably not the best thing i could do, if i had left it to leave without him knowing, with no money, no support i don't think i could of coped at the time, a lot will say, oh there is always help etc, but in the mindset you are in whilst in an abusive relationship, you don't see that there is help, the local police were pathetic, they were boasting their center of excellence with domestic abuse, yet, stood back and anouced that it was only a domestic, when i really needed their help, they couldn't even tell me how to get an injunction, i really didn't know how you got one..

I'm gonna side with the OP, we don't know both sides, but i've been in that boat she is in (or claims to be) and i wouldn't like to see that ever again

rachel6188

i wasnt going to post but iam going to as i believe the op - my aunty has 32 metal plates from "abuse" from a alcoholic who almost killed her.
she asked him to leave the home as she had 2 children to home.
i think nobody on this forum has the right to say to the op she is lying about her abuse...as many woman on this site know abuse comes in all different forms.
i really thought this forum was for people to come for help and support not people calling her a liar and judging her.
i know iv not long been on here and i dont want to offend anybody but the way i see it is how would you feel if you were going through this and came on here for advice and got called a liar and judged (and i know thats what forums are for)
sorry to babble and as i say i dont want people to jump on me.
rach xox

Thriftysaver

Everything Paparika and op have been through I too endured, and it's not nice. Your confidence is on the floor and you believe you deserve what they are putting you through. OP go and see a solicitor. My experience in getting him out was different as I owned our home on my own as I was the only one working and could afford the mortgage. Something deep down told me not to put him on the mortgage. It still didn't stop him from telling me to leave the keys on the way out Ha. He left eventually. But still came back insisting it was his home. After 6 or 7 months he disappeared off the face of the earth as it wouldn't have had a fruitful outcome for him anymore. Drink will always come first and once they realise they can't manipulate you anymore they soon go on their merry way. He stayed out of the kids lives for years until I found him for them. He died last year and the kids still never saw him from that 6 months when he left until the day they saw him in his coffin. Sad really.

You just think about you and your kids and if you get him out and can afford the house on your own then go for it. Either way once he's gone you will have peace of mind, which is worth everything.

Good luck


Thriftysaver

ariba10

rachel6188 wrote: »

i wasnt going to post but iam going to as i believe the op - my aunty has 32 metal plates from "abuse" from a alcoholic who almost killed her.
she asked him to leave the home as she had 2 children to home.
i think nobody on this forum has the right to say to the op she is lying about her abuse...as many woman on this site know abuse comes in all different forms.
i really thought this forum was for people to come for help and support not people calling her a liar and judging her.
i know iv not long been on here and i dont want to offend anybody but the way i see it is how would you feel if you were going through this and came on here for advice and got called a liar and judged (and i know thats what forums are for)
sorry to babble and as i say i dont want people to jump on me.
rach xox

Where in the OP posts is there a mention of physical abuse?

gizmo111

ariba10 wrote: »

Where in the OP posts is there a mention of physical abuse?

Where in the previuos posters post is there mention that the Op had ben subjected to physical abuse?

Thriftysaver

Abuse is abuse. It doesn't have to be physical. To admit any form of abuse is happening to you whether it be physical, mental or emotional is like (I felt) admitting you're a failure, as you must have deserved it. It creeps up on you. You don't realise it's happening until years down the line when your gut keeps telling you this is not right. And at last you reach that breaking point and you actually believe in what your gut is telling you. LEAVE. I don't know where you get the strength from. You just do. You don't even care if they are going to kill you. You've just had enough. Sometimes it's better to get the beating than feel the anticipation of if or when you are going to get beaten. All because THAT CRAZY BAST!!!D thinks it's his God given right to OWN you and do whatever he wants. Make you feel stupid, worthless and then apologise for it. They take away your dreams. On a lighter note I start University next week studying LAW, which has been my ambition for the last 20 years. There is life after abuse.

Sorry for the rant.(and I realise men go through this too, I wasn't being sexist sorry).

OP I hope you get to the point of no return. You will know it when you get there, as it makes it a damn site easier maintaining separation. Because believe me he will try to wear you down with emotional blackmail (abuse).

There are many people on here who will help and listen.

Good luck

Thriftysaver