Dad won't be at my Wedding

miserly_mum

red_devil wrote: »

Why would I want to cause a rift in a family over 2 spiteful women who are old enough to know better.

you wouldnt be causing the rift they would if there was one!

Sometimes they can be sorted but a man worth his salt would never put a sister/mother etc before his partner!

I really do take your point on loyalty to your spouse perhaps more than you realise.

lynzpower

red_devil wrote: »

how are you expecting people on a forum to sort it out though! Everyone has problems!

The trouble is too that we only hear one side!

Thanked by mistake

Im not sure why you are being so nasty here/ A forum , especially this one, is for advice, guidenace and support.

I can see why MM is here, but I dont understand what you are contributing other than negativity.

TotallyBroke

How long ago did you send that email? Maybe now is the time to send another one this time asking for your Dad to be open, honest and blunt like you were. Also ask his wife to send the same, explain to them that the best way of clearing the air between you all is to get it all out in the open.
Do you have their address, could you not fly out there unexpectedly and talk to them face to face.
I think you were wrong not to invite her to your 1st wedding, as you mention earlier you chose to invite your OH's family that you do not like to this wedding so you should've invited her. She may not have come but the fact she did not have that choice complicates things. It was your wedding not your Mum's big day.

You say she is horrible have you thought that she may only be percieved as/behaving that way because of other factors. Who knows what has been said or done while you were a child too young to understand.

miserly_mum

TotallyBroke wrote: »

How long ago did you send that email? Maybe now is the time to send another one this time asking for your Dad to be open, honest and blunt like you were. Also ask his wife to send the same, explain to them that the best way of clearing the air between you all is to get it all out in the open.
Do you have their address, could you not fly out there unexpectedly and talk to them face to face.
I think you were wrong not to invite her to your 1st wedding, as you mention earlier you chose to invite your OH's family that you do not like to this wedding so you should've invited her. She may not have come but the fact she did not have that choice complicates things. It was your wedding not your Mum's big day.

You say she is horrible have you thought that she may only be percieved as/behaving that way because of other factors. Who knows what has been said or done while you were a child too young to understand.

I may have been blunt(too blunt) in the phonecall but my email wasn't rude or nasty, quite the opposite in fact.

I wasn't looking for sympathy when I started this thread just to see if anyone had had a similar experience and how they coped with it.

I can understand that people might see it as a case of spoiled only child hating the wicked stepmother who stole her Daddy away scenario. Truly it isn't. I never actually said I blamed her for anything,everyone else jumped to that conclusion. I only said she was controlling and liked her own way....which she does, even Daddykins admits that. I could tell you lots of things that stepmum said or did over the years but no doubt some of you would think I was making it up for effect or to prove my point. Well actually I don't have a point to prove.

I have tried talking to my Dad over the years he will admit that she makes things difficult but can't or won't stand up to her. Only he knows the real reason for that I and everyone else can only guess.

As for not inviting Stepmum to my first wedding. It was my big day but it was also a big ocassion for my Mum. She didn't dictate or hint she wouldn't come if stepmum went, but I knew it'd take the shine off the whole experience for her. If that makes me a bad person so be it

My children have grown up without their Grandad having any signifigant part in their lives and are used to it which in itself is sad. Even sadder is when we meet relatives and friends of my Dad's who go on about how much he talks about me and the kids and how well we are all doing and i just think , "are we talking about the same man here?"

Gavin83

miserly_mum wrote: »

I went mental and basically told him to take his fat, bleep of a bleeping wife and bleep off as the wouldn't be welcome.

Thing is, if you said that about my wife I'd be extremely angry, regardless of if you were my daughter. It probably goes some way to explain why he hasn't spoken to you for 6 weeks and if you don't contact him soon I can't see him contacting you first for a while, if at all.

You say you don't blame her but then you say things like this about her.

I find it hard to believe she can fake a heart attack as well. I presume she's been to the doctors with her pains, in which case they should have diagnosed something. If she hasn't been to the doctors then your Dad should really be pushing her to and if she won't thinking something a little fishy is going on. I can't comment on her illness as I don't know her, but I question how much you can comment on it living in another country. Either she is genuinely ill or your Dad is a little stupid.

If you want to save your relationship though your going to need to contact him and apologise for the things you said about his wife. Until you do that I don't really think you can progress and sort out any issues.

miserly_mum

Gavin83 wrote: »

Thing is, if you said that about my wife I'd be extremely angry, regardless of if you were my daughter. It probably goes some way to explain why he hasn't spoken to you for 6 weeks and if you don't contact him soon I can't see him contacting you first for a while, if at all.

You say you don't blame her but then you say things like this about her. as I said i'm not boasting about my language or gloating over it but simply stating what happened.

I find it hard to believe she can fake a heart attack as well. I presume she's been to the doctors with her pains, in which case they should have diagnosed something. If she hasn't been to the doctors then your Dad should really be pushing her to and if she won't thinking something a little fishy is going on. I can't comment on her illness as I don't know her, but I question how much you can comment on it living in another country. Either she is genuinely ill or your Dad is a little stupid.

If you want to save your relationship though your going to need to contact him and apologise for the things you said about his wife. Until you do that I don't really think you can progress and sort out any issues.

I said I don't blame her, not that i don't like her. Me thinking she's a biatch and my Dad not having a spine is not necessarily the same thing.

I said "chest pains" not chest pains. Do you not think if she'd been on a heart machine at least half a dozen times over the years and there was some genuine problem they would have found something by now.

Anyone, especially someone over a certain age will automatically get put on a cardiac machine if they complain of chest pains, wether they are genuine or not. It's standard practice. I've been on one 3 times does that mean i've had a heart attack? My Father is gullible rather than stupid and even I wouldn't ignore something like that as there's always the chance that one time it will be genuine.

Thay have only moved permanently to Portugal about 20 months ago so i've had the medical dramas for almost 30 years prior to that. If you read my original post you'll see the medical reason he gave for ot being able to come to my wedding 9 months later was that she had an insect bite on her leg. The doctor couldn't speak very good english and had gave her the wrong medication that made her ill (not the insect bite) This was sorted and she has now recieved the correct medication.

If this had happened 9 days prior to flying then I would have understood

My mother in law does the same thing. Last year we went bombing down the motorway after a phone call from BIL saying his Mum was having a heart attack. My the time we got there she had been sent home with zantac as her ulcer had flared up and the excess acid was giving her pains which she mistook for chest pains which was why she was put on a heart machine.

Even now she will tell you she had a heart attack even though she hadn't because she was on a monitor. Maybe they don't have much going on in their lives and like the attention?

TotallyBroke

miserly_mum wrote: »

I may have been blunt(too blunt) in the phonecall but my email wasn't rude or nasty, quite the opposite in fact.

Sorry I mis read I thought it was email not phone call. I would still give them the opportunity to vent some anger as you have on the promise that once read it is burned and the air is cleared.
If you can't fly out and speak to them I would write a heart felt letter. Explain to them how friends and family tell you that he talks about you all the time, but you as his daughter do not see or hear those things.
Tell them that you want to build a bridge and you would like their help in doing so. Email them regulary and involve them, maybe ask them an opinion on something to do with the wedding, let them see that you want them involved. Maybe pose a specific question to her involving the wedding asking what her daughter had done in this situation.
You've got 9 months to repair the damage and get the result you want I wish you all the luck and don't envy all the possible bum licking you may have to do to get there

miserly_mum

TotallyBroke wrote: »

Sorry I mis read I thought it was email not phone call. I would still give them the opportunity to vent some anger as you have on the promise that once read it is burned and the air is cleared.
If you can't fly out and speak to them I would write a heart felt letter. Explain to them how friends and family tell you that he talks about you all the time, but you as his daughter do not see or hear those things.
Tell them that you want to build a bridge and you would like their help in doing so. Email them regulary and involve them, maybe ask them an opinion on something to do with the wedding, let them see that you want them involved. Maybe pose a specific question to her involving the wedding asking what her daughter had done in this situation.
You've got 9 months to repair the damage and get the result you want I wish you all the luck and don't envy all the possible bum licking you may have to do to get there

Thanks again to everyone for ALL the advice and opinions and shared personal experiences.

I can't help thinking that years ago having your loyalty first and foremost to your partner/spouse would have been easier (without a conflict of interests with your children) as they would be their children aswell.

In todays society with second marriages,step children etc so many people must be torn between loyalty to their new partner and to their children.

I love my OH with all my heart but i'd never put him before my children. They are both equally as important to me and always will be. Partners can come and go but your children will always be your children, even when they are 42 .

I have had many heart to hearts over the years with my Father and nothing ever comes of it. He's admits things aren't as they should be,promises that things will change but they never do.

I have learned to accept being way down his list of priorities and if it salves his conscience to try and make others believe he's a doting Grandad when he isn't ........well to me the very fact he feels the need to do it says it all really.

Chloepad1

I'm very sorry that you are having this upset at what should be a very happy time for you and your fiance. Your wedding is the day that you celebrate the love you have for each other and celebrate with the people that you want to celebrate with. I am honestly asking you, if you really want people there who are going to make you feel uncomfortable, it is plain that your father in the past has caused a lot of distress by his actions, not just to you but to your children as well.
Your wedding day deserves to be a happy, joyous time for your family and you shouldn't have to spend that day feeling in any way uncomfortable or uhappy or having to remember all the hurt this man has caused to you and your children. It is his loss, you will have a fabulous day and will be able to look forward to a happy future with your family and with memories that you can treasure.

myothercarisaferrari

I hope you sort things out miserly mum

I'm kind of the opposite to you - I hate my dad and get on with my stepmum (only contact is email though, occasionally to let her know I am OK).

OH and I were talkign about weddings the other night (:rolleyes:) and he wants a big full on thing as his family are very close. I wouldn't want my father there but some family on his side.

Its difficult but it is your day and I think your dad would be secretly chuffed if you made things up xx he is your dad and you only get one

(BTW, the reason I don't speak to mine is cos he lied, cheated and told me I was never wanted and wished I was never born:rolleyes:)