Dad won't be at my Wedding

Oldernotwiser

Your father must be getting on a bit by now and your stepmother may be as well. Unless he comes back to the UK occasionally (in which case your complaint may be justified), perhaps this would be too difficult or too expensive for him to do. Don't forget the effect that the exchange rates have had on people living abroad on a fixed income.

gabyjane

Haven't read other posts so sorry if ive missed something..
Oh hun i could have written your post myself tbh and almost did after my dad refused to come to my wedding last year.
My sister will prob curse me for writing this but hey she knows how i feel!

My dad fell out with me years ago..when i was 17..im now 30! he disowned me and has only spoken to me since having split with my childrens father (about 11ish years ago)..things were never right and we drifted apart i havent really seen him since.
I though like you honestly believed he would get over whatever he thought i had done so wrong and come after everyone saying the same as you 'do you think your dad will be there' etc..so when my sister came round and stood in my kitchen and said something like 'oh by the way dad's not coming' i burst into tears and felt like crap if im honest.
that was his last chance with me though and he made his feelings clear so his loss as far as im concerned. he has no memorys of his garndchildren or me or anything about me..we have bought a house and he has no idea where i live etc..

Anyway my point is there isnt much you can do i guess..he sounds like my dad did with the excuses and if he really wants to come he will make the effort..he sounds like she is putting the pressure on tbh and he's going with it but you never know he may suprise you..my outlook was though i then didnt want him there..his eldest daughters wedding and his responce was no then that's fine.

Hope things work out either way for you it is a very hard thing to deal with..some how i seem to have changed with my attitude towards my dad as i said i know where i stand now.

Alligg

I had the same thing with my dad but to this day he has never given me an explanation as to why he didn't come to my wedding.he then went on to give my sister away and stood up and gave this wonderful speech about his family!!!!! i've recently found out he is giving my step sister away and my 2 other blood sisters will be there and I have been excluded.I sat and sobbed for ages trying to figure out what i've done wrong,why would a parent treat their child like that,its awful watching them all play happy families and not know why i'm not wanted.fortunately I have a wonderful partner who is very supportive and his family have made me feel very welcome and loved.

susiesue_2

reading this has bought back so many memories. my dad did give me away-just! he didnt attend rehersals, refused to wear the suits or make a proper speech. and his wedding gift was an ironing board.
i lost contact when he failed to come to ds 1st birthday party after speaking to him 5days before and he said he would be there. i stopped phoning visiting ect.
i saw him 2 weeks before he died of lung cancer after a gap of 8 years. i had to face up to the fact that parents are just people-who let people down and no amount of wishing can change who they are or what actions they take.
it still hurts though. my children have grown up without grandparents and i feel they have missed something really special.

ceebeeby

What a crying shame for you and ... him!

I'm so sorry that this is putting a dampner on things for you. I hope so much that you can get it resolved x

miserly_mum

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Your father must be getting on a bit by now and your stepmother may be as well. Unless he comes back to the UK occasionally (in which case your complaint may be justified), perhaps this would be too difficult or too expensive for him to do. Don't forget the effect that the exchange rates have had on people living abroad on a fixed income.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply x

Oldernotwiser, I wish I could just put it down to them not being able to afford the flights. If they had booked them when I told them I was getting married(9 months in advance) one of the companies were doing flights from Portugal to Belfast for about £60 return pp. Thay have a decent income as they both have their state pension and another private pension each from my Dad's business and from her early retirement deal.

They visit home at least twice a year. Just recently they paid to fly stepmums daughter out to visit as she was bringing them their new laptop over as they can get one cheaper in the UK than in Portugal. This was their second new laptop in 10 months. Yet they tell me they can't afford to even send their Grand kids a card on their Birthdays ????:rolleyes:

We could have picked them up from the airport and they could have stayed at ours for a week and made a holiday of it as we'll be away on honeymoon.

Unlike a few of the other posters, there hasn't been a falling out and my Dad doesn't disapprove of my choice of partner. The whole scenario would be les painful and easier to accept if this was the case.

I thought I had come to terms with the situation but the day I started this thread was the day I posted out my Wedding invites and if i'm honest it did upset me that neither of my Parents would be there. (Mum is dead)

OH's family can be a nightmare at times (especially his Dad) and I do moan about them but.....when it came to our engagement party and now our wedding they put their differences aside because it's their Son's/Brother's big day and they are behind him all the way.

view

Hi

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

I think however (and you're not wrong for doign so) is that you would like your dad to be at the wedding and act as a 'dad' should - however, he is not this type of dad it seems and therefore, perhaps your day would be better off without him and his wife? Would you not just spend the day giving daggers to his wife and worried that your dad won't be having a good time / worried what he will be saying to everyone?

Just plan it - make it all about you and your hubby and enjoy the day for you!

PS my dad hasn't been in touch since I was 12 (mid 30's now) ... he's not a nice man (leaving mum with 5 kids with no support at all!) I feel lucky he's not in my life - afterall, if he can treat his wife (my mum) and his children like that why would I want him in my life (and at my wedding) ?? I wouldn't choose this person as a friend if they weren't related!

Just make the day about you and forget having to have a dad there - sure in a perfect world it would be lovely and he could be part of your day.. but he's obviously not like this so unfortuantely you need to take a deep breath, move on and make the day for you and hub

Wish you all the best for your big day!

xx

red_devil

Janey3 wrote: »

I'm so sorry for your predicament, I went through the same thing with my brother and his wife and even after 40 odd years she still has a vice like grip on him! A complete control freak and I used to say "Well, he must like it to put up with it", but sometimes I see him looking sad. Oh and she is a pillar of the Church too! I kept the channels open between us, even though, we never got cards etc., and she's done a lot of spiteful things over the years, and there was a period of several years when we had no contact at all. It's always been me that has made the contact and I know that he will always "side" with his wife in everything. I know you are feeling so hurt and you love your Dad and what you say about how you would feel if he got ill is a good point, as my brother and wife now both have serious illnesses. We never know what's round the corner.
I hope you have a lovely, lovely wedding day.

his loyalty should be to his wife. There would be something wrong if he put you before her!

Gavin83

I think your being quite unreasonable to be honest. If his wife is too sick to travel then it's something he has to consider and if he can't get anyone to look after her then he'll have to stay with her. He didn't say he wouldn't come, just that he can't guarantee it yet due to the circumstances.

Frankly if you went into the rant you did over the phone and by email, I wouldn't want even want to talk to you again without a huge apology, let alone go to your wedding.

I also don't see why he necessarily has to put your needs above his wifes, you should both be of equal importance.

miserly_mum

red_devil wrote: »

his loyalty should be to his wife. There would be something wrong if he put you before her!

Yes but a good wife wouldn't make her husband choose between his family and her.