Dad won't be at my Wedding

miserly_mum

lynzpower wrote: »

Ill just take the opportunity to say, Miserly mum you really seem like such a wicked person! Do not let this get you down.

I have to say, I would be more inclined to say, Dad I dont really care if you are not at my wedding or not, i have someone else to give me away etc- but realy Im concerned about what really appears to be domestic violence? Does she let him see any of the other family members? Is he allowed out on his own? Does he really believe she is ill,- or does he go along with it for her benefit- is this some sotrt of Munchausens type case?

This is going to sound awful but I think he enjoys it. He must or he wouldn't still be there. Apparently (according to his sister,my Aunt)his wife is almost a clone of his Mother in height build and personality and she also domineered him right up until she died. Maybe she reminded him of his mum and he felt safe or whatever?

I know he loves her and I respect that, but surely loving your wife doesn't mean you have do everything her way.

Perhaps the saddest thing is that he said to me once that he knows if he ever had a stroke or whatever and can't do everything for her anymore she'll put him in a home.

newlywed

My dad refused to come to my wedding.

His choice. He missed out. I made my choice of who I wanted to live with.

It hurt. He virtually blanked me for months after even when I came to see my mum. But gradually things got a bit better. I think because I lived at home still, he never really accepted how old I was (in my 30's).

It's his choice, it's him missing out on your day. But surely you wouldn't want him there out of obligation, if he doesn't really want to be there?

Your day is about you and your OH. Concentrate on that, and your life and future together. If others don't want to be there, that's their choice, their loss.

miserly_mum

[QUOTE=newlywed;24826811

It's his choice, it's him missing out on your day. But surely you wouldn't want him there out of obligation, if he doesn't really want to be there?
[/QUOTE]

Newly wed you have hit the nail on the head with that comment.

I wouldn't want anyone to be there that didn't want to be there. Friends or family.

Can I ask and don't answer if you don't want to....I know your dad and you are on speaking terms now but much as you love him(he's your Dad) do you noot feel differently about him now after what happened?

newlywed

miserly_mum wrote: »

Can I ask and don't answer if you don't want to....I know your dad and you are on speaking terms now but much as you love him(he's your Dad) do you noot feel differently about him now after what happened?

Course. I don't think it's easy to get over the hurt of that one to be honest. Plus we weren't invited out if dad was because of how he was with my OH so I felt a bit pushed out of the family. I never spoke to him about my wedding. Didn't even give mum wedding photo's because I didn't think dad deserved to see them (but I regret that now).

3 years on, we were just getting back onto more normal speaking terms, more like before... when he died suddenly. So I'm glad things were better between us, as I think it would have been harder otherwise.

miserly_mum

newlywed wrote: »

Course. I don't think it's easy to get over the hurt of that one to be honest. Plus we weren't invited out if dad was because of how he was with my OH so I felt a bit pushed out of the family. I never spoke to him about my wedding. Didn't even give mum wedding photo's because I didn't think dad deserved to see them (but I regret that now).

3 years on, we were just getting back onto more normal speaking terms, more like before... when he died suddenly. So I'm glad things were better between us, as I think it would have been harder otherwise.

Thankyou I really appreciate that reply x

LameWolf

Friends are the family you choose for yourself, I reckon. Surround yourself with people who want to help you celebrate your marriage, and have a fantastic day.

I can sort of know where you're coming from; my DH's sister refused to attend our wedding (btw, Bethankim we also had a handfasting) because his first wife put him through total misery and tried to bankrupt him to boot, and sis was convinced (and refuses to believe otherwise) that he was treading the same path again.

I hope the day is wonderful for you, and wish you a happy life with your OH.

newlywed

miserly_mum wrote: »

Thankyou I really appreciate that reply x

Like you say, he's still your dad, and you still love him though.

miserly_mum

I was going to say it's nice to know i'm not the only one this has happened to but nice really isn't the right word in these circumstances.

I had such a happy early childhood and would honestly describe my Dad in those early years as the perfect Father. We were so close that my mum in many ways didn't get a look in.

Maybe that's why I've found it so hard to deal with his constant rejection and at times indifference to me and his Grand kids over the years. When my oldest daughter was born he and his wife were preparing to take off for 4 years round the world in a camper van. Without taking the time to come and see his new grandaughter before they went. That still hurts 19 years laterH He doesn't send my children or my Grand daughter birthday/Xmas gifts , not even a card. That probably hurts me more than it hurts them.

The ironic part is both my Dad and his Mrs are very active in their church and were/are always the first to volunteer to help people out and everyone thinks they are wonderful.


This recent incident is the straw that broke the camels back so to speak and I really don't think I can ever have a relationship with him again but he's not a young man and i don't know how i'll feel if he dies and i'm not on good terms with him.

Why are families so bliddy complicated at times eh?

lynzpower

miserly_mum wrote: »

This is going to sound awful but I think he enjoys it. He must or he wouldn't still be there. Apparently (according to his sister,my Aunt)his wife is almost a clone of his Mother in height build and personality and she also domineered him right up until she died. Maybe she reminded him of his mum and he felt safe or whatever?

I know he loves her and I respect that, but surely loving your wife doesn't mean you have do everything her way.

Perhaps the saddest thing is that he said to me once that he knows if he ever had a stroke or whatever and can't do everything for her anymore she'll put him in a home.

have you had this conv with him though MM.

I know you say you think he likes it, but to be honest, it sounds more like he has ben conditioned into being oppressed and quite frankly he knows no different. If this was a woman, ( ie a freind or someone on here) would you simply accept it? I dont know, all I know is that once someone is oppressed, its increasingly difficult to say "He must or he wouldn't still be there" ... I dont know him though, you clearly do!

Its quite staggering about the last comment, she didnt feel like shed like to care for him? Do you think there is love there?

Janey3

I'm so sorry for your predicament, I went through the same thing with my brother and his wife and even after 40 odd years she still has a vice like grip on him! A complete control freak and I used to say "Well, he must like it to put up with it", but sometimes I see him looking sad. Oh and she is a pillar of the Church too! I kept the channels open between us, even though, we never got cards etc., and she's done a lot of spiteful things over the years, and there was a period of several years when we had no contact at all. It's always been me that has made the contact and I know that he will always "side" with his wife in everything. I know you are feeling so hurt and you love your Dad and what you say about how you would feel if he got ill is a good point, as my brother and wife now both have serious illnesses. We never know what's round the corner.
I hope you have a lovely, lovely wedding day.