Dad won't be at my Wedding

miserly_mum

I'm getting married for the second time in February next year. Small Wedding of family and very close friends.

My Dad lives in Portugal with his 2nd wife. He'd been having an affair with her for many years before finally leaving my mum for her when I was 11 (i'm now 42) his wife is a very demanding and controlling woman and my Dad is very much under her thumb.

Despite her making it very difficult for my Dad and I to spend time together when I was younger etc I learned to rise above it and tried to be polite and civil with her.

When I got married the first time my Mum was still alive and I didn't want my step mum there and ruining her day. Dad at first refused to go either but eventually agreed to go. Only for stepmum to have a "heart attack" a few months before my wedding and making my Dad leave his job to care for her. This was one of many "heart attacks" she has had over the years yet strangely has never been on any medication etc, (but that is another story).

By the time I got married they couldn't afford to give us a wedding present and my Dad made a point of telling everyone he was skint because of having to nurse his sick wife et etc all bliddy day.

Fast forward 20 years. I email my Dad 9 months prior to my wedding day giving him the good news. 3 weeks later he rings, mentions he got the email then goes into a 15 minute saga about his wifes health. she's got an insect bite on her leg that had got infected and they had given her the wrong tablets......like I care.

Anyway after letting him witter on I said, well I assume you'll both be coming. His reply was "well it depends on P--'s health" Remember the wedding was 9 months away not 9 days. I said I couldn't believe he had to even think about going to his only childs wedding. His reply was "well we'll let you know nearer the time"

I went mental and basically told him to take his fat, bleep of a bleeping wife and bleep off as the wouldn't be welcome. I ended up drinking a lot of wine and sending him a long and very truthful ,heartfelt email leaving nothing out about how he had treated me , my mother and my children over the years.

I cried for days.I'm so happy to be marrying a wonderful man( after being in a very bad first marriage) I want it to be a joyful family day that we and our children can look back on in years to come. My Mum is no longer with us but would have walked over broken glass to share our day.My Dad could be there but wasn't even sure if he was going to go or not.

I've not heard from my Dad since (6 weeks ago) and i've asked my oldest and dearest male friend of 25 years to give me away. He was so chuffed to be asked and it will be nice to have him there beside me as I know he cares for me and my OH very much. But it should be my Dad and surely he should have wanted to do it without having to think about it?

Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?

Sarah_Joanne

I feel for you. This hasn't happened to me but I am getting married next week and from the experience of planning this wedding I can only say that as hard as it is, if he can't be bothered to make the effort to be there for you then you should just get on with it and enjoy your day with your lovely OH and your kids, friends and the good friend who is giving you away.

It sounds like your Dad's loss to me, as harsh as that sounds. You will have a fabulous day with people around you who love you and care for you and want to be there for you.

Minxy_Bella

Oh sweetheart - I'm so sorry your dad is acting like an !!!!! You can't change him, I'm afraid - you've said your piece and it's up to him to put you first for a change. If he doesn't, then that's his choice - don't beat yourself up over it.

I think having your best friend give you away is lovely - it's exactly what I did and she's a girl!! LOL. There was no way that my pathetic excuse for a sperm donor (ie biological father) would be invited let alone asked to perform such a role at my wedding (he wasn't invited to the first either - he's not a nice person!!)

If I were you, I'd assume that your father and his OH are not coming and focus on your special day with the people you love most in the world being there for you. If he does come, then that's a bonus but it's not the be-all-and-end-all.

Trust me - you'll be having such a marvellous time on the day, you won't even notice he's not there.

Best of luck!
xxx

Pee

My Dad wouldn't come to my wedding if I wanted to get married, because he and my Mum have refused to meet my boyfriend.

I do know that it would hurt him as much as it hurts me, but i also know there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I'm not really in favour of marriage anyway - I feel it is for the benefit of the state rather than the individuals concerned - so it's ok.

It's a real shame that your Dad won't be there and I wonder whether you could try to appeal to his better nature? It seems very harsh that he is putting his wife above his daughter on his daughter's wedding day, and especialy as you made the effort of inviting her, a move I think was very brave and very wise of you.

Could you write and proof read and rewrite a letter showing how hurt you feel, but also showing what he can do to make you happy?

I don't understand how someone could be so unkind to a partner's child... Obviously wives and daughters have to share and sometimes that will be difficult, but I think if it's your wedding day, it should be you who is the priority - just like on her birthday or their anniversary he should def put her first.

miserly_mum

Sarah_Joanne wrote: »

I feel for you. This hasn't happened to me but I am getting married next week and from the experience of planning this wedding I can only say that as hard as it is, if he can't be bothered to make the effort to be there for you then you should just get on with it and enjoy your day with your lovely OH and your kids, friends and the good friend who is giving you away.

It sounds like your Dad's loss to me, as harsh as that sounds. You will have a fabulous day with people around you who love you and care for you and want to be there for you.

I think what has annoyed me about the whole thing was my OH, teenage kids and my friend who is giving me away all said the same thing "do you think your Dad will even go?" I was so convinced he would. Maybe that was wishful thinking on my part but I honestly didn't think he'd even consider not attending.

He and my stepmum went to all her childrens weddings, including her daughters second marriage about 18 months ago.

btw Sarah Joanne good luck on your big day x

lynzpower

Ill just take the opportunity to say, Miserly mum you really seem like such a wicked person! Do not let this get you down.

I have to say, I would be more inclined to say, Dad I dont really care if you are not at my wedding or not, i have someone else to give me away etc- but realy Im concerned about what really appears to be domestic violence? Does she let him see any of the other family members? Is he allowed out on his own? Does he really believe she is ill,- or does he go along with it for her benefit- is this some sotrt of Munchausens type case?

red_devil

How do you know she made life difficult, how do you know it was all her fault you didnt get together and he is under her thumb.Maybe your dad was weak but it was easier to let people think it was her fault or he liked it that way!

People always assume its the stepmother but is it always or is a fault with the father.

Also why did you demand that your stepmum musnt come to your first wedding. wouldnt it have been better if the two women had been invited and managed it for your sake. I am not suprised your dad was annoyed at his wife not being invited. I dont think i woudld be too happy if my partner was not invited somewhere?

I think your dad did the right thing by saying we will see. If he had said yes then couldnt make it then you would have been annoyed. Did you need to swear. I dont think he will see you as a cool level headed person after that. Treat people in a business like manner rather than losing it and swearing. They kind of dont have any respect for you after that. I am not sure what you expect to happen now?

I dont think you should worry anyway. Enjoy your day with those who can make it. If people arent interested or bothered you cant make them!

Pee

lynzpower wrote: »

Ill just take the opportunity to say, Miserly mum you really seem like such a wicked person! Do not let this get you down.

I have to say, I would be more inclined to say, Dad I dont really care if you are not at my wedding or not, i have someone else to give me away etc- but realy Im concerned about what really appears to be domestic violence? Does she let him see any of the other family members? Is he allowed out on his own? Does he really believe she is ill,- or does he go along with it for her benefit- is this some sotrt of Munchausens type case?

I thought for a moment you mean wicked as in evil...!!!

lynzpower

Haha pee no, not at all, MM seems really like a great person! :rotfl:

miserly_mum

red_devil wrote: »

How do you know she made life difficult, how do you know it was all her fault you didnt get together and he is under her thumb.Maybe your dad was weak but it was easier to let people think it was her fault or he liked it that way!

People always assume its the stepmother but is it always or is a fault with the father.

Also why did you demand that your stepmum musnt come to your first wedding. wouldnt it have been better if the two women had been invited and managed it for your sake. I am not suprised your dad was annoyed at his wife not being invited. I dont think i woudld be too happy if my partner was not invited somewhere?

I think your dad did the right thing by saying we will see. If he had said yes then couldnt make it then you would have been annoyed. Did you need to swear. I dont think he will see you as a cool level headed person after that. Treat people in a business like manner rather than losing it and swearing. They kind of dont have any respect for you after that. I am not sure what you expect to happen now?

I dont think you should worry anyway. Enjoy your day with those who can make it. If people arent interested or bothered you cant make them!

I'm actually not blaming my stepmum. She IS demanding and controlling but at the end of the day my Dad is an adult and has a mind of his own. I know nobody can make you do something you want to do unless you let them.

I didn't invite her first time round because it really would have ruined my own mothers day and if that is a crime then i'm guilty. However there was an awful lot of nasty stuff that my stepmum did over the years that I haven't mentioned and it really would have humiliated my Mother to have her there.

The swearing was a knee jerk reaction and i'm not saying it was right, I was just explaining what happened.

It isn't always easy to remain level headed in some circumstnces though, no matter ho much yu want to.

Bethankim

Hiya, Im so sorry things have come to ahead with your dad, and i guess it feel again like he has let you down.

I dont know why people allow things get in the way of what is right especially parents.
It has taken me a long time and in the end counseling to reconcile what i wanted from my parents and what i get.

I made peace with my self and this might sound odd permission to move on and accept my dad could never and will never be what i would like - i will never have the relationship i craved. once i did this, so many feelings gotlet go, it was really hard but now i dont get into any of his nonsense. if i see him fine if i dont then thats ok too.

You have planned the wedding you want, and have the love of your friends and family there, your children and best friend. by the sounds of it your dad dones tplay a big role in your life..so why should he have the privilage of givng you away, when your friend has been there loving you for 25 years..

Perhaps its the fact your mum wont be there, im sure she would be so proud to see that you have cone through a tough time and loking to the future, could you find a way of having a bit of her there..a a favourite song, coliur, perfume, anything that brings a smile and happy memory for you.

I recnetly had a handfasting (pagan wedding) - we chose to only have our closest friends and our children, didnt tell any family. not because we didnt want them, but because for us we wanted the people we have in our lives because we choose to not because we have to.

I hope your day is wonderful.

good luck