Getting Married in Secret

leej85

Hi Flaming silk..
me and my boyfriend are thinking of doing exactly the same thing.. most people seem to be against this idea however this is better for us..
We still want the whole big wedding with all our friends and family there as though it's our 1st time.
It would be great to hear how your getting on coz im really worried about people finding out..
thanks

pretzelnut

We plan to get married in secret.

We have tried to get married with all our family there but it just doesnt work.

We booked our sumer holiday to turkey the other day and DF turned round and said how about a trip to the registry office before we fly.

I then said what about our families, he said we'll pop a card in the post, something along the lines of were having a fab time on our honeymoon. Then face then all when we get back. Might arrange a big party later in the year.

We just want to get married - its about us 2, we are the only 2 in the relationship so why shouldnt we do what we want to do.

I think getting married in secret is great, no one feels pressured to buy new outfits, gift you dont want, limits family arguments.

Im currently trying to email our hotel and ask then if there is anyway of having a little private non legal ceremony on the beach when we are there, as the registry office will purely be for the legal reason but i would like something a little bit more memorable than the dodgy living room of our local registrar. Yes i did say living room, we live in a small town so all the wedings are done in her living room.

hayleythedaisy

For the people who want to get married on one day and have a wedding on another day, I know people who have done this.
One couple got married at a registry office and got blessed at the church, it went very well and it didn't seem like it wasn't a wedding.
The other couple got married on one day and had a blessing ceromony by a "registrar". There are clever ways of doing it so no one knows thats what you've done. The latters family still don't know!!! HTH

littlemazzie

My partner and I got married in relative secret on Saturday, and the day was fantastic! I am from Australia and because my parents couldn't fly over we didn't want a big day which would make them feel left out. We only told my OHs parents, his sister and her husband and two close friends (and their partners). We will have a big traditional 'wedding' next year and invite everyone. We won't tell people we are already married because we think some won't understand and will be hurt.

The other reason we wanted the marriage secret is that it coincided with my immigration situation in the UK. After being together for 2 years, buying a house together and being madly in love it made sense for us to marry, it would have happened next year anyway. Because of this (combined with my parents not being able to make it over for the ceremony) I didn't want to take the shine of our big wedding by speculation about 'only married for a visa' etc. It's not true and is unnecessary.

Weddings evoke such strong emotions amongst people who are not directly involved - in-laws, friends, friends of friends, cousins etc. Even having 8 guests it was hard to meet everyone's expectations on how the day should be. We do both dearly want a big celebration, but honestly I think the planning stages take you so far away from the actual meaning of the day that I am so happy we married in a small ceremony. It was beautiful and meaningful and didn't turn into a circus like so many other weddings we've been to.

One of my very dear friends found out yesterday (she saw information at a mutual friend's house) that we married on Saturday and she is furious with me for not inviting her. I hope that our friendship will recover and that in time she comes to understand that we made a very personal decision to marry in relative secret. Even though I am devastated at her hurt, our marriage was about us and not her, so nothing can take away our happy memories of the day and I won't let myself feel like we did the wrong thing.

My advice is to do whatever you feel is right for the two of you. It's wonderful to have a small and personal ceremony that binds the two of you together so closely; it feels amazing. Just be aware that other friends may not feel the same way about your secrecy so you need to be very sensitive when telling them.

All the best to everyone considering it, enjoy!

poet123

littlemazzie wrote: »

My partner and I got married in relative secret on Saturday, and the day was fantastic! I am from Australia and because my parents couldn't fly over we didn't want a big day which would make them feel left out. We only told my OHs parents, his sister and her husband and two close friends (and their partners). We will have a big traditional 'wedding' next year and invite everyone. We won't tell people we are already married because we think some won't understand and will be hurt.

The other reason we wanted the marriage secret is that it coincided with my immigration situation in the UK. After being together for 2 years, buying a house together and being madly in love it made sense for us to marry, it would have happened next year anyway. Because of this (combined with my parents not being able to make it over for the ceremony) I didn't want to take the shine of our big wedding by speculation about 'only married for a visa' etc. It's not true and is unnecessary.

Weddings evoke such strong emotions amongst people who are not directly involved - in-laws, friends, friends of friends, cousins etc. Even having 8 guests it was hard to meet everyone's expectations on how the day should be. We do both dearly want a big celebration, but honestly I think the planning stages take you so far away from the actual meaning of the day that I am so happy we married in a small ceremony. It was beautiful and meaningful and didn't turn into a circus like so many other weddings we've been to.

One of my very dear friends found out yesterday (she saw information at a mutual friend's house) that we married on Saturday and she is furious with me for not inviting her. I hope that our friendship will recover and that in time she comes to understand that we made a very personal decision to marry in relative secret. Even though I am devastated at her hurt, our marriage was about us and not her, so nothing can take away our happy memories of the day and I won't let myself feel like we did the wrong thing.

My advice is to do whatever you feel is right for the two of you. It's wonderful to have a small and personal ceremony that binds the two of you together so closely; it feels amazing. Just be aware that other friends may not feel the same way about your secrecy so you need to be very sensitive when telling them.

All the best to everyone considering it, enjoy!

Congratulations, I hope you have a long and happy marriage, and in your particular case I can (sort of) understand why you did what you did, but the mere fact that you have hurt a close friend, and the fact that you advise sensitivity when telling friends speaks volumes to me.

I hope that your friendship recovers, but if it was me I would feel that if you could be so secretive about such a big event you may not ever be entirely honest and open with me.

Coud you not just have told them, explained the reasons, and left it at that? Why the need for secrecy? it will all be out in the open by the time you "marry" again, no way will it still be a secret.

Just my observations, but again I wish you well.:D

TamVilla80

My sister is having a 'suprise' wedding next week and it's caused hassel like you wouldn't believe. I found out last week when my Mum asked me to book next Wednesday off, because they are getting married but 'dont want any fuss' - so they have decided to do this by causing as much fuss as humanly possible! They are expecting everyone run around and drop everything with 2 weeks notice and it's been a nightmare if I'm honest.
Me and my other half have had to beg and struggle to get the day off, my brother (who is making a 100 miles round trip) and other sister have both got the day off but are having to take their kids out of schools that they have just started. I can't afford a new outfit this month as oh needs a suit and his car fixing, so I'm having to wear a dress I dont even like as its all I have suitable. We are not allowed to tell anyone (including my future sil who works with my sister, or my best mate who knows her - and I tell her everything!) and they are sodding off on honeymoon afterwards and expect all of us to tell everyone and deal with the fall out from it all. We have mutual friends who I know will be hurt that they don't even know about the wedding, let alone not even be invited. There is more problems its caused but it's too, but you are probably getting bored now!

What annoys me most is how selfish they are being and not considering the people that love them. My poor Mum is gutted that my sister has done all the wedding things like buying a dress without even telling her, and although my Mum is happy for them, I know that she is really hurt too. We are having a quiet wedding next year, but have at least told the few people that are coming to book a Friday off work, and have even organised it around the football season for our friends who work at football clubs! We considered running off to Vegas when we go engaged, but knew some people would love to share our day with us, and had to consider them too.

Although I can understand it in situations when people have family issues and things can be difficult, but I also think people considering it should think about the people that love them and how they would feel about it. I know they are doing what they want but it would be nice to consider other peoples feelings too. I see our wedding as a celebration of our love, and commitment to each other, but also as a thank you to the people around us who help and care for us.

shellsuit

TamVilla80 wrote: »

My sister is having a 'suprise' wedding next week and it's caused hassel like you wouldn't believe. I found out last week when my Mum asked me to book next Wednesday off, because they are getting married but 'dont want any fuss' - so they have decided to do this by causing as much fuss as humanly possible! They are expecting everyone run around and drop everything with 2 weeks notice and it's been a nightmare if I'm honest.
Me and my other half have had to beg and struggle to get the day off, my brother (who is making a 100 miles round trip) and other sister have both got the day off but are having to take their kids out of schools that they have just started. I can't afford a new outfit this month as oh needs a suit and his car fixing, so I'm having to wear a dress I dont even like as its all I have suitable. We are not allowed to tell anyone (including my future sil who works with my sister, or my best mate who knows her - and I tell her everything!) and they are sodding off on honeymoon afterwards and expect all of us to tell everyone and deal with the fall out from it all. We have mutual friends who I know will be hurt that they don't even know about the wedding, let alone not even be invited. There is more problems its caused but it's too, but you are probably getting bored now!

What annoys me most is how selfish they are being and not considering the people that love them. My poor Mum is gutted that my sister has done all the wedding things like buying a dress without even telling her, and although my Mum is happy for them, I know that she is really hurt too. We are having a quiet wedding next year, but have at least told the few people that are coming to book a Friday off work, and have even organised it around the football season for our friends who work at football clubs! We considered running off to Vegas when we go engaged, but knew some people would love to share our day with us, and had to consider them too.

Although I can understand it in situations when people have family issues and things can be difficult, but I also think people considering it should think about the people that love them and how they would feel about it. I know they are doing what they want but it would be nice to consider other peoples feelings too. I see our wedding as a celebration of our love, and commitment to each other, but also as a thank you to the people around us who help and care for us.

I'd actually disagree with that and say it's everyone who loves them that is being selfish

This is about them. It's their wedding day and will be their marriage.

If this is the way they want to do things, then that's upto them.

If they're happy about it, why can't everyone else be?!

TamVilla80

shellsuit wrote: »

I'd actually disagree with that and say it's everyone who loves them that is being selfish

This is about them. It's their wedding day and will be their marriage.

If this is the way they want to do things, then that's upto them.

If they're happy about it, why can't everyone else be?!

Then we agree to disagree

It's probably just because we've been planning our wedding for a couple of months now, and I'm trying to be considerate about what other people might want / need (easy venue to get to, no stairs for the grandparents, day that people can make, advance notice to book a Friday off, etc). I also enjoy having girlie chats with my Mum and asking her opinion (even if her reply to everything is 'it's your day, have what you want') and I feel sorry that she is misssing out on this with my sister.

I'm genuinely happy for them if that's what they want, but personally we would like to give other people a nice day (it's nice to be treated, to dress up, eat nice food and have a drink) and to share our special day with them as a thank you for helping us.

ampafc

To be honest, the only reasons I can see for people getting married in secret are if they have little or no friends/family to share the day with, can't afford to do too much, or have been forbidden by people e.g. parents to get married.

It's a little bit seflish imo - what about the parents wnating to see their child get married? What about friends that wanted to be bridesmaids or best man? Just my opinion though

shellsuit

TamVilla80 wrote: »

Then we agree to disagree

It's probably just because we've been planning our wedding for a couple of months now, and I'm trying to be considerate about what other people might want / need (easy venue to get to, no stairs for the grandparents, day that people can make, advance notice to book a Friday off, etc). I also enjoy having girlie chats with my Mum and asking her opinion (even if her reply to everything is 'it's your day, have what you want') and I feel sorry that she is misssing out on this with my sister.

I'm genuinely happy for them if that's what they want, but personally we would like to give other people a nice day (it's nice to be treated, to dress up, eat nice food and have a drink) and to share our special day with them as a thank you for helping us.

Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what you mean, everything we have done for our wedding has been because we have considered all our guests first, but I understand also that some couples just want to do things their way without any input from family and friends.

If we did exactly what we wanted, we'd be getting hitched abroad!

ampafc wrote: »

To be honest, the only reasons I can see for people getting married in secret are if they have little or no friends/family to share the day with, can't afford to do too much, or have been forbidden by people e.g. parents to get married.

It's a little bit seflish imo - what about the parents wnating to see their child get married? What about friends that wanted to be bridesmaids or best man? Just my opinion though

Maybe because some people don't want a big fuss.

Or maybe because their friends and family don't get along so would like to do it in secret to save all the arguements and hassle.

What about friends that want to be bridesmaids or best man? What about them? You don't tell someone you WANT to be one of those, you get chosen and asked by the couple getting married.