DH's 60th B'day and I have social phobia. HELP!!

zippychick

Hi Lamewolf, how very brave you are.! When is the actual party? I missed this post first time round.

I am quite a sociable person around people I know, but when I am outside my comfort zone, I would get very anxious and feel like i stand out. I don't dress conventionally so don't exactly blend into the background either.

More people fake confidence than you will ever know, me included. In fact I had this conversation with a friends girlfriend lately who told me she felt excluded and uncomfortable and she wasn't the social kind. She had hid it well.

The most important thing to remember is it is only one night, and it is for your husband who you clearly love to pieces. You might even enjoy yourself a tiny bit, you never know.

Some conversation openers/discussion topics

* So how did you meet your OH then?
* What kind of music are you into?
* Do you have any pets?
* What do you do for a living?
* have you been on holiday this year?
* Have you made any plans for christmas?Have you started shopping?
* Do you have any kids?
* Where did you get that Handbag, i really like it
* So how would you spend your weekends then?

Really hope it goes well for you, and get back into OS. You are missed there ! xxxxx

JMW77

This is exactly how i feel in social situations which i try to avoid them if at all possible,i have no idea how to talk to people its actually a struggle day to day even picking the kids up i always hope no one tries to talk to me because when they do its a disaster i often say the wrong thing from trying too hard.
My problems are from my childhood abuse .

Anyway, it probably won't be as bad as you think,just try to be confident and be yourself, your husband knows you and knows exactly what you are like so i'm sure he will keep an eye on you .I always tell my other half not to leave me unless i'm with someone he knows i'm ok with.

Morglin

LameWolf wrote: »

It's my husband's 60th birthday fairly soon, and he has expressed a wish to hold a celebration at the pub, with me, his pals, and his pals' wives.

I know the pals, but not terribly well, and am nervous as hell about the whole thing.

To complicate matters further, I'm disabled, (unable to leave the house without my husband, who is also my carer) and I have severe social phobia - so much so that I shake like a leaf if I have to hold a conversation with anyone.

I also have a digestive problem which makes eating in public an ordeal for me, so I'm hoping that we don't have to have a sit-down meal; even a buffet will be difficult.

I want my lovely man to have the celebration he wants without me having a complete breakdown.

Does anyone have any coping strategies they could suggest to get me through this reasonably unscathed? He knows I'm nervous, but he doesn't know how bad it is, and I'm loath to say more in case he thinks it's a case of "not wanting to see his friends" iyswim.

TIA

Well, I'm disabled and only generally go out with my DH, but you can develop coping strategies for social events.

I get throat spasms which results in some pretty spectaclular choking stuff at times, so with food, I eat before I go out, and then, at social events, I tend to sit and fiddle with food more than eat it - you appear sociable but minimise the risk of all hell breaking loose with your throat/digestion lol............:eek:

I make sure any venue is wheelchair accessible and that they have loos to cope with it.

If you are nervous, then just chat to one person at a time - others there may well not know everyone and be just as nervous.

The trick is to always look happy and confident, even if you're not.;)

Lin

LameWolf

greenspark wrote: »

One is something I heard once about confidence - if you don't have it, fake it. In daunting situations I sometimes just make a decision to 'act like a confident person'.

I think what I might do is trot out one of my Dungeons & Dragons personas. "Hazel Nutt" is so much more laid back and confident than I am myself.....

zippychick wrote: »

Hi Lamewolf, how very brave you are.! When is the actual party? I missed this post first time round.

It's on Saturday 5th December - yes, I started panicking three months in advance!:rolleyes:

JMW77 wrote: »

This is exactly how i feel in social situations which i try to avoid them if at all possible,i have no idea how to talk to people its actually a struggle day to day even picking the kids up i always hope no one tries to talk to me because when they do its a disaster i often say the wrong thing from trying too hard.
My problems are from my childhood abuse .

Aww, ((((HUGS)))) to you - same here. My father systematically abused me physically, mentally and sexually for an entire decade; there's no easy answer (I've even been told to "just get over it"). But you have to remember, it wasn't your fault. This was done to you, you didn't choose it. I hope one day we can both gain peace from this awful thing.

Friends, I'm overwhelmed at the level of support I've recieved, along with some jolly good advice. "Thank you" doesn't seem adequate!

oystercatcher

Hi LameWolf,

I missed this thread before.

I can totally sympathise with you as I too avoid social situations as much as I can. I hate talking to strangers.

You've had loads of good ideas offered but one thing I thought of which doesn't seem to mentioned. At my friend's fortieth birthday party she had a notebook and asked people to write a message and/or draw a picture something to do with how long they have known her etc, I thought perhaps if you sat with something like that , and the dog if possible, this means you can give people something to do and maybe discuss what they have put how did they meet DH how long have they known him etc, and perhaps send them off to fetch others to sign, or if they are really bothering you ask them to take the book to 'that person on the other side of the room' to get them to write something. Having something like that just means you can take charge of the conversation. Asking people if they 'could do you a favour' and fetch a drink or a napkin could also help keep them busy!

On no account think of yourself as a waste of space, your husband obviously thinks the world of you. He wants you there! So, make yourself a comfy 'throne' in the corner and sit there regally then you can watch him enjoy himself. If anyone makes you feel unconfortable then imagine they are a troll and think about how you will bash 'em later on.

I bet when the time comes it will go really well and you'll probably enjoy yourself far more than you expected to. It's just all the worrying beforehand.

hugs

RedBern

good luck with this - and don't bother about speaking to OH's friends wives - speak to his friends! If you go out to the pub in the next few days - make a point of speaking to someone about something - whether it's just a comment about the terrible weather - they'll speak back and before you know it you'll have a conversation! And then the next time you go to the pub, same thing, just a brief comment - don't be disappointed if you don't get a huge response - just smile and bluff.

LameWolf

Hey-ho, people; the party's tomorrow.

I guess I'm as prepared as I'm going to be. Quite pleased that I managed to go to the card shop and purchase a card without having a panic attack - I left Mr LW queueing at the Post Office and wheeled myself about 2 shops away to the card shop so that I could choose a card without him there. So that's an achievement, for me.:T

I'll be busy all day tomorrow which is good, as I won't have time to get worked up, we have to get some new tyres for the car in the mrorning, then go to a Yule bazaar in the afternoon.

So...... we'll be getting to the pub early, so a few good thoughts directed my way at about 7pm tomorrow evening (5th December) would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers!:beer: <

---

non-alcoholic ginger beer as I'll be driving.;)

redruby

Good Luck hun, Little dog and I will be thinking of you xx

belfastgirl23

I was wondering how you were getting on. Good luck. I bet it won't be nearly as bad as you think. And I'll be sending you warm thoughts

pisces_cat

Just read through your thread and will be sending you positive vibes tommorrow night - you sound lovely and I hope it goes ok.