DH's 60th B'day and I have social phobia. HELP!!

LameWolf

It's my husband's 60th birthday fairly soon, and he has expressed a wish to hold a celebration at the pub, with me, his pals, and his pals' wives.

I know the pals, but not terribly well, and am nervous as hell about the whole thing.

To complicate matters further, I'm disabled, (unable to leave the house without my husband, who is also my carer) and I have severe social phobia - so much so that I shake like a leaf if I have to hold a conversation with anyone.

I also have a digestive problem which makes eating in public an ordeal for me, so I'm hoping that we don't have to have a sit-down meal; even a buffet will be difficult.

I want my lovely man to have the celebration he wants without me having a complete breakdown.

Does anyone have any coping strategies they could suggest to get me through this reasonably unscathed? He knows I'm nervous, but he doesn't know how bad it is, and I'm loath to say more in case he thinks it's a case of "not wanting to see his friends" iyswim.

TIA

Jake'sGran

I am really sorry about this anxiety you have as many years ago I had a similar problem. Would you feel better if the celebration was in your own home?. Maybe you could get someone local to do catering for you. I imagine you will already be on medication but if not could you take a couple of tranquilisers just for that evening or increase them if you do take them already. It sounds like you also suffer from agoraphobia which is awful if you have had it for some time. If you do manage to go remember to take deep breaths before you start to speak. Sorry I can't give better suggestions and I hope you manage it somehow..

silvercar

Drink before you leave home?

ailuro2

Sit your OH down now and tell him what ypu've said here - that you feel it's beyond you, and that you are very sad because you'd like to be able to go.

I like the suggestion of having it in your home and getting caterers in - if your disability affects your mobility, then it could be done at home to help you last longer without getting tired, if travelling tires you out, for example.

I would sugest telling him and seeking help, though. Sometimes a problem shared really is a problem halved.;)

RoxieW

Having it at home may be more difficult as you'll feel the need to 'play host' whereas at a pub you wont have this pressure. Re the eating - have a buffet - noone will notice whether you are eating or not. Re the social phobia - I know how you feel as I too have suffered - but remember you wont be the focus of the evening - your husband will. Its HIS friends so they'll more than likely chat to each other and him.
Could you get a close friend/family member to accompany you - as your carer if you like ie helping you mobility wise but also a s a companion for you. This will free up your husband to enjoy his evening and entertain his pals and you'll also have an ally and someone to chat to. if you're chatitng to a friend I doubt many people would come up and interrupt - all you have to do is smile and say hello when they arrive then leave them too it. To be perfectly honest, the focus wont be on you. I recently went to a friends 30th and couldnt tell you where her husband was all evening and he was dressed as a 6ft beer bottle lol!

LameWolf

Thank you for the support; having it at home really isn't practical, as we have a really tiny bungalow, and we just can't fit everyone in. Also, I think I'd find that even more nerve-wracking.

The pub in question is one we often visit (I usually sit quietly in the corner and let hubby do all the talking). I think the big problem will be the pals' wives. At least one of them thinks I'm a total waste of space (she's probably right), and I'll be expected to sit and be sociable with them.

I don't actually have any friends of my own, and no family - my husband is the only carer I have. Once I'm in the pub, ie hubby has manhandled me up the back steps LOL, I can manage physically - hobble about on my two sticks if I need the loo - but usually I just claim a corner and stay in it.

I think I shall push for a buffet; there's no way I can cope with a full meal (landlord of said pub knows that if we eat, I only have a starter, and that's enough for me).

Unfortunately I can't take extra medication - I'm on the highest dose of the stuff I have for depression/anxiety as it is - but (note to self, here LOL) I must remember to take my bottle of Oramorph so that if the pain gets too bad, I can take some.

I have three months to think about how to cope (or get myself into such a tizzy that I have a complete breakdown LOL); I think what's made me panic was that my husband actually spoke to the pub landlord the other night, and had him pencil it in the diary, and it's made the prospect all the more real iyswim.

Thanks people, the support means a lot to me.:o

Pee

Friend's wives can be a problem. My boyfrined is quite a bit older than me and most of his friend's wives are really lovely, wise, intelligent, funny people but some of them seem to have taken a long time to get used to me, I'm sure just because I am younger. I do feel that I am making progress now, but having spent a whole evening discussing cookers, I do feel very aware that they are different people to me and not people I would choose to be friends with.

If you discuss it with your husband, maybe he could have the celebration without you. I do think it's worrying though that you have no friends. Are any of these women nice and might they make good friends for you?

Most people have concerns about social events - not as pronounced as yours, but rest assured what you are feeling is felt to an extent by almost everyone.

Coulds you speak to your GP?

Reggie_Rebel

Claim your corner as normal. If his mate's wives don't want to talk to you then that's their loss not yours.

Enjoy the evening watching your husband have a good time

LameWolf

Pee wrote: »

Friend's wives can be a problem. My boyfrined is quite a bit older than me and most of his friend's wives are really lovely, wise, intelligent, funny people but some of them seem to have taken a long time to get used to me, I'm sure just because I am younger. I do feel that I am making progress now, but having spent a whole evening discussing cookers, I do feel very aware that they are different people to me and not people I would choose to be friends with.

If you discuss it with your husband, maybe he could have the celebration without you. I do think it's worrying though that you have no friends. Are any of these women nice and might they make good friends for you?

Most people have concerns about social events - not as pronounced as yours, but rest assured what you are feeling is felt to an extent by almost everyone.

Coulds you speak to your GP?

Pee, you've summed it up very well; I'm 10 years younger than my husband, ALSO his first wife put him through nine sorts of hell and I'm afraid they're tarring me with the same brush. Even if I can get past that, I don't have the "usual" interests of a woman my age, so it makes having a conversation difficult. I'm housebound when my husband is not around, which is why I've not made any friends since moving here in 2002. (That's a whole other story, btw).

He won't have the do without me - LOL he won't even go to the pub for a quick drink without me, even though I've said it's OK. I think his idea is that if he doesn't make me go out with him, I'll end up even less able to cope with social situations, and the whole thing will continue to spiral. And the worst is, he's probably right!

I did, funnily enough, speak to my GP when I last saw her (about a month ago) re my depression and social anxiety getting worse; the upshot was that as I'm on 300mg twice daily of Moclobemide, and counselling has actually made me worse, there's not a lot more she can do for me.

The last time we went to anything it was my husband and his mates without the wives, as is was a "memorial" drink for another mate who had passed away, and that was a bit easier, as one of the mates took his dog, and I spent the evening talking to her. Also, I'd justified my presence by volunteering to drive. I've offered to do so this time, but hubby is insisting that we'll get a taxi.

roxiepie_2

Hello Lamewolf

I’m really sorry to read the stress this is causing you. It’s horrible when some that is designed to be fun can be a nightmare for others. Have no direct experience, but I do have a friend that has suffered from anxiety so I know how all-consuming it can be.

I have a few suggestions, and I might be way off but I figure it’s worth mentioning everything I can think of!

Maybe the next few times you go to the pub start visualising the party. Don’t panic yourself, just get used to the idea of how many people may be there, how they will be arranged in the room etc. This way it won’t be something you have to adjust to on the day. You can also use it to decide where you will feel most comfortable sitting.

Understand that you may not want to reveal everything to your husband, but strongly suggest that you explain to him that you would feel much more comfortable with a buffet. It’s only a small choice to him, but sounds like it would take a lot of pressure off you. With a buffet you will be able to pick what you want and just nibble a little bits as and when you feel like it.

Along the same lines, I don’t know what your digestive problem is, but you could make sure you eat carefully in the run up to it. That way you’ll be confident that you’re not going to feel unwell on the night.

Can you drink with your medication? Not suggesting you get drunk, but it might be a good idea to have a small drink before you go out. It would just help take the edge of things, and lower what sounds to be a very high self-awareness.

On the social side of things, I understand how uncomfortable large group events can be. However, you can relax a little knowing that everyone is gathered for your husband, not you. That sounds horrible! All I mean by that is, the focus won’t be on you and you’re not expected to perform in any way.

A lot of social anxiety is dealing with the unknown or uncertain. If you can pin down how many people are there and who they are this might go some way to relaxing you. If you don’t know the wife’s very well, maybe you could husband for some information on them. Then you’ve got some conversation starters such as “my husband mentioned you enjoy…?” or “my husband says you’ve just got back from xxx, how was it?”. Most people are more than happy to talk about themselves, and this way the attention will be focused on them rather than you.

If that’s a bit too much, just make sure you smile, laugh at people’s jokes and respond when spoken to. People don’t expect any more than that! Plus you’re the birthday boy’s wife so everyone will be nice to you! xx

Pee

You don't have to justify your presence and you shouldn't feel that you do have to!! Your OH obviously thinks the world of you and you of him, and so I'm pretty sure you have lots of good qualities.

Would it help to think of some topics of conversation before you go? That sometimes helps me. Like "What are you doing for Christmas?" or "How did you meet your OH?" or "Where is the best place you have ever been on holiday?"... not brainwaves, but subjects people usually get cheerful talking about. You might like to talk about pets? Could you get a dog, or would that be too difficult? Could you invite the friend's dog?

I think your husband is right to keep dragging you out... Will a few drinks help? (Apologies if medical reasons mean you can't drink.)

A small thing, but Bach's rescue Remedy can help... It's just flower extract compared to "real" medication, but best to check it won't react with any medication.