DH's 60th B'day and I have social phobia. HELP!!

LameWolf

Pee wrote: »

You don't have to justify your presence and you shouldn't feel that you do have to!! Your OH obviously thinks the world of you and you of him, and so I'm pretty sure you have lots of good qualities.

Would it help to think of some topics of conversation before you go? That sometimes helps me. Like "What are you doing for Christmas?" or "How did you meet your OH?" or "Where is the best place you have ever been on holiday?"... not brainwaves, but subjects people usually get cheerful talking about. You might like to talk about pets? Could you get a dog, or would that be too difficult? Could you invite the friend's dog?

I think your husband is right to keep dragging you out... Will a few drinks help? (Apologies if medical reasons mean you can't drink.)

A small thing, but Bach's rescue Remedy can help... It's just flower extract compared to "real" medication, but best to check it won't react with any medication.

I could hug you! My lupus-addled brain had forgotten all about Bach's Rescue Remedy. We have to go into town to collect my meds later this afternoon, I'll purchase some while we're there.

If we have a buffet, it'll be in the pub's conservatory, so unfortunately Molly-Dog won't be allowed in. I don't have a dog myself, as my health is so shaky, but I have recently signed up as a "host" for a home-from-home dog sitting service. (Dunno if this would be a suitable conversation topic). Oh, and we're having Molly-Dog to stay with us in October, when her humans go away for 11 days.

Hmmmm - I wonder if I could persuade them to set up the buffet in the public bar, where dogs are allowed? It's something to possibly consider.

See, I knew I'd get inspiration here!:o

feelinggood_2

The only thing I've found that helps me is gradual exposure. Could you plan a few 'practice' things to build you up for the big event?

Have you only tried the one type of medication? There are dozens and dozens of things for depression and anxiety, and if something isn't working (after giving time to get the dosage right etc) then really they should be looking at trying something else. Perhaps see another doctor?

What type of counselling was it?

LameWolf

feelinggood wrote: »

The only thing I've found that helps me is gradual exposure. Could you plan a few 'practice' things to build you up for the big event?

I think that's why he keeps dragging me out to the pub! I guess I should be grateful he's chosen that one, not somewhere "posher" as at least I'm familiar with the layout and everything (I hate having to ask where the loos are).

feelinggood wrote: »

Have you only tried the one type of medication? There are dozens and dozens of things for depression and anxiety, and if something isn't working (after giving time to get the dosage right etc) then really they should be looking at trying something else. Perhaps see another doctor?

I've had just about every anti-d and anti-anxiety medication known to Man over the past 37 years. They swap 'em every so often, when the current one stops working, but now we've just about exhausted the options. My GP did say she'd look into whether there's anything new I could try, hopefully without coming off the current one, as I just cannot go through the "withdrawal" stage again, but she did warn me not to hold my breath.

feelinggood wrote: »

What type of counselling was it?

LOL I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, had CBT (mega counter-productive, that was), that thing where they make you relive your horrible childhood (made me suicidal), and even one where I just used to sit in a room with the woman and she'd not say anything, and I had no idea what was expected of me.All of them served to make me even more nervous of people than when I started.

RoxieW

Of course the dog service is a suitable topic of conversation! I'd find it interesting. Anyone with an ounce of politeness with listen and willingly converse with you whether they are interested in what you have to say or not - and those without an ounce of politeness are the ones to avoid in future and certainly not worth your anxiety!
You dont need to justify your presence! You are the birthday boys wife - and its clear he certainly wants you there.
Perhaps it would even be a good opportunity to see if there is any friendship material amongst these women? They cant all be horrible surely? If there is someone you are naturally drawn to, make the effort to try and strike up conversation. if all goes well leave the evening with a 'It's been lovely talking to you - we must meet up for a coffee sometime'. I promise no one will think you a freak or wierdo for doing so - she'll prob be flattered. And if she doesnt want to then when you offer she'll make some excuse. Whats to lose?
Cant you take the opportuntity to try to enjoy yourself - it sounds like you're having a rough ride lately. Have your hair done, buy a new dress, go to that pub and smile! Chat about the weather, whats on tv, holidays (god people love to talk all about their holidays) - a good ice breaker is complimenting a womans dress/hair etc where did you get those shoes from i've been looking for some just like them etc etc. Flattery will get you every where
And please - tempting as it may be - dont hide behind a dog. if I was at a party and there was a person in the corner talking to a dog I'd be far less likely to 'interrupt' and strike up conversation. Yet a woman sat with a smile to greet everyone is a far more inviting prospect.

wannabe_sybil

Hugs - it's tough.

I think you should first get a medal for being willing to go through this with your OH - it is surprising how few would and I think you should give yourself credit.

You will get loads of brownie points if you ask one of the ladies about themselves and encourage them to talk about themselves all evening. You will be bored out of your mind, but it is a coping technique. Regrettably some don't need much encouragement.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out.

feelinggood_2

LameWolf wrote: »

I think that's why he keeps dragging me out to the pub! I guess I should be grateful he's chosen that one, not somewhere "posher" as at least I'm familiar with the layout and everything (I hate having to ask where the loos are).
I've had just about every anti-d and anti-anxiety medication known to Man over the past 37 years. They swap 'em every so often, when the current one stops working, but now we've just about exhausted the options. My GP did say she'd look into whether there's anything new I could try, hopefully without coming off the current one, as I just cannot go through the "withdrawal" stage again, but she did warn me not to hold my breath.
LOL I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, had CBT (mega counter-productive, that was), that thing where they make you relive your horrible childhood (made me suicidal), and even one where I just used to sit in a room with the woman and she'd not say anything, and I had no idea what was expected of me.All of them served to make me even more nervous of people than when I started.

Aww, sorry to hear that. I'm starting my 9th type soon, it is frustrating. You've probably tried, but what about anti-psychotics?

I had a silent counsellor one, had three 50 minute sessions with not a word spoken before I gave up.

Sorry I couldn't be of any help

RoxieW

LameWolf wrote: »

I think that's why he keeps dragging me out to the pub! I guess I should be grateful he's chosen that one, not somewhere "posher" as at least I'm familiar with the layout and everything (I hate having to ask where the loos are).
I've had just about every anti-d and anti-anxiety medication known to Man over the past 37 years. They swap 'em every so often, when the current one stops working, but now we've just about exhausted the options. My GP did say she'd look into whether there's anything new I could try, hopefully without coming off the current one, as I just cannot go through the "withdrawal" stage again, but she did warn me not to hold my breath.
LOL I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, had CBT (mega counter-productive, that was), that thing where they make you relive your horrible childhood (made me suicidal), and even one where I just used to sit in a room with the woman and she'd not say anything, and I had no idea what was expected of me.All of them served to make me even more nervous of people than when I started.

You sound just like me. My CBT was counter productive and I've also had the woman who sits in silence staring at you lol! I'm at the stage where I've accepted my problems and developed my own coping stratergies. mostly I try to 'throw myself in there' and be the first one to smile/greet/talk to people as I find if I miss that initial 'greeting' I find it very difficult to approach people and end up sitting tying myself up in knots and then getting very embarrassed/anxious if anyone approaches me. I suppose thats me taking control of the conversation by being the instigator. Looking my best also helps - as does alchol lol! Also, try to to dwell on it too much between now and then.

Bethankim

Hi Petal,

first off hugs for you and well done for having a go, you have had some brilliant advice.

Sometimes accepting your problem is the first step to managing them, like you said you have a few months to build up to the party.

Is there one of the couples you feel more comfy with than others, perhaps having them over for an afternoon tea rather than dinner may help, you could build up with each of the people going if you like so you feel more confident when the party happens.

I remember feeling so isolated and unable to tell anyone how isolated and at times lonely felt, but i stated with just one person. and it snowballed from there it has taken a long time and i had to get over my fears bit by bit but now i have albeit a small group of lovely supportive friends.

you sound lovely and so does your husband, so you do deserve to have friends and something special in your life.

perhaps some of the difficult things for you, is the fact your housebound and dont have anyone besides your husband, perhaps very slowly with your husbands help you may be able to see what else is local to you, support group etc..but 1st things 1st.

you know the pub and like it so fab..it holds no surprises for you.

think about who will be there, besides that one woman, is there anyone going you have thought, oohh id like to get to know her better..(see above)
as daft as it sounds when i said to someone - og goodness im so nervous at a social do, they admitted they felt the same and we actually had a lovey time being wall flowers together.

good luck and remember your doing brilliantly and no matter what, if you decide to sit quietly well then thats fine, your husband will enjoy the fact your there.

Beth
x

jenhug

have you considered hypnotherapy? I have food issues and found it incredibly helpful!

Pee

I was thinking about this last night, and sometimes I meet my boyfriend in the pub and we don't arrive together. Now I know lots of people in the pub and he is usually there before me. then I have no trouble chatting to the other people. If i arrive before him, I usually go out for a cigarette, really to avoid people. the pub opens at five and once or twice I have arrived there on opening time and then people came in and started talking to me, and I felt like I was a fixture and fitting and they were coming in to my territory, if that makes sense, and I felt much more comfortable. So maybe it would work for you if the time is 7.30 to turn up about ten to seven and get settled in so that when your guests arrive you are feeling more comfortable.

Love the idea of getting your hair cut, not really to make you look better, but to make you feel better.

Ask people about pets, even if they don't have one now, it's likely they have had one during their lifetime. That babysitting a dog scheme sounds brilliant!