DH's 60th B'day and I have social phobia. HELP!!

shell_girl

LameWolf wrote: »

Thanks everyone - particularly for ideas for topics of conversation. I'm totally useless at small talk, don't watch tv and have zero interest in fashion, so I'll make a point of mugging up on these a bit beforehand, so that I don't look completely dumb. (My interests run more towards animals, computing and RPG games - I spend my evenings bashing trolls rather than watching Corrie LOL).

Wishing you the best of luck LameWolf- for what it's worth you sound like someone I'd love to get chatting to at a party... I spend my evenings bashing trolls too

LameWolf

Pee wrote: »

I don't think you are supposed to slow him down drinking on his birthday! He's only 60 once, remember!

LOL Actually, we've discussed this, and he's in agreement with me that he actually would like to remember the evening - and finish it in bed, not calling Huey on the big white telephone!:eek:
I'm still working on what on earth to talk to some of these folks about, if the need arises; I have so little in common with his pals' wives, it's just unreal! I guess I'll just have to play it by ear - after all, they might not even talk to me at all.

Pee

Ha ha! I think that's quite an acheivement for a 60th birthday though!

I usually have some things lined up - like holidays, a book or a film that are topical and last Christmas I was asking everyone - it was a works networking do - how long they were closed for Christmas and what they usually did. In that case, I knew they were all working and it was a good question - lots of people seemed really interested in their answers.

Molly41

Hi Lamewolf,
Lovely to read your thread. Ive missed you posting recently.
I totally understand your issues and Im getting very socially phobic particularly since I have been ill. I have to say that I agree with other posters that you sound a very interesting person to talk to. I share your love of doggies and have a Molly and Poppy to my name. I wish you lots of luck and would like to catch up with you on whats been happening recently.
Mollyx

LameWolf

Thanks Molly.

I haven't posted for about a week and a half - Mr LW was on leave, so we were quite busy for 5 days, and then I had a very dismissive letter from my rheumy that threw me into a horrible depression, questioning if I had any worth at all; and tbh I just felt I didn't have anything to say that anyone'd be interested in.

I've posted on one thread on Old Style today, but not feeling quite equal to posting on the Daily Thread yet, although I've been lurking.

Also have held off from posting in Disability & Dosh for fear of dragging everyone there down with me.

From the looks of things, as regards conversation topics for Mr LW's party, I'm probably best sticking with all things canine - at least I'll know what I'm on about! LOL

RAS

Hi

YOu do not need to talk to most people about much. Just ask after their nearest and dearest or their pets and they will regale you. Go mmm, oh yes and and they will think you are great company.

greenspark

Hi Lamewolf

I like some of the ideas on this thread. A couple of things came to mind...

One is something I heard once about confidence - if you don't have it, fake it. In daunting situations I sometimes just make a decision to 'act like a confident person'. For me, this doesn't mean being the life and soul of the party and being loud or dominating, or talking constantly to people, just looking comfortable, smiling at people, speaking unhurriedly, looking interested in people. This works well for me in job interviews too. These days, I would consider myself to be a fairly confident person and that's very much come from telling myself I am and acting like it even when I don't feel it.

The other thing is that you will be in a good position at this party - you won't be the main focus of attention, but because it's your husband's party people won't think it's strange if you start up conversation with them. You've kind of got the ball in your court, you can talk to anyone who is there but it won't be obligatory. And people are likely to be flattered if you do talk to them as you're the partner of the guest of honour, so it's a bit special to have your attention.

This also gives you nice ways to start conversations, even just 'really nice to see you', 'do help yourself to food', 'great that you could make it, love your hair' (hair and clothes aren't something I'm especially interested in but it's nice to give and receive compliments!). And someone else here suggested admitting to a friendly person that you find these events a bit scary, which can work well. They don't need to know exactly how scary you find it, but just a little comment like that can put other people at ease if they feel a bit isolated or anxious.

I think your interests (the dogs and RPGs) are great, they're unusual enough to be interesting but not inaccessible to people, and are good springboards for chats - if someone doesn't like dogs you can steer the conversation onto cats or kids, if someone has a stereotyped image of people who play RPGs you could play up to that in a jokey way, or dispel it by talking about how varied the people you meet online are...

You mentioned that you think your husband's friends/wives might tar you with the same negative brush as his ex... This party could be an opportunity to come across as a warm smiling woman who thinks the world of her husband (which it sounds like you are ) and let them see what a lovely couple you make. Look happy and proud of him, give him little affectionate pats on the arm (or whatever gestures of affection you both naturally are comfortable with)... They/their husbands like your husband, so once they see how supportive and loving you are together I think they will drop some of that unfounded worry.

Good luck, and remember you don't need to be constantly in conversation or entertaining people, just look comfortable (fake it if you don't feel it), and happy. And if you really feel fed up keep telling yourself only a couple more hours and you can go home!

redruby

Hi Lame wolf :j

Sorry no great advice from me, but I just wanted to say, pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeee come back and post on the os daily, we miss you hun

And I would happily pass an evening with you talking about the furry four legged friends xx

thorsoak

Hi Lamewolf - I can really sympathise with you over this - I used to suffer from overwhelming shyness - would almost wet myself if anyone spoke to me - until one day I actually said this to someone who really, really scared me!

This lady - so sophisticated looking, so confident, so everything that I wasn't - and somehow I blurted out how I felt! And that was it - she said that she felt exactly the same, that it was an ordeal for her too - and when I said that I always worried that I would wet myself if someone talked to me - well - I thought that she would with laughing - because that too was how she felt and she'd never been "brave" enough to say so!

Why not practice telling them what you've told us - about not talking to the psychiatrist, sitting there for 50 minutes - about the CBT treatment - I would lay odds that at least one of the wives has gone through some experience similar to yours!.

{{hugs}} - good luck there - its one day you can give your OH with love.

belfastgirl23

I agree with the last couple of posters. Sometimes the worst thing about having a social phobia is feeling you're alone with it. I can tell you now that many of the other women attending will be very sympathetic to your feelings. I have been where you are and from my memory, the worst thing is worrying about someone catching you out and realising you feel like you don't fit. Admitting it can really make it easier. And it is common enough to feel a little nervous if you're throwing a party.

Re the driving issue, you can always change your mind if you like and pick the car up the following day

Hope it all goes well!