Retired horse - end of the road?

GotToChange

I wonder why I feel the need to update this but it seems fair to let anyone who cared enough to answer my pleas for input how things are going...

I simply can NOT bring myself to make the ultimate decision for him; I actually dreamt about horse euthenasia last night and I had instructed the vet (in my absence) to pts sleep the wrong one! It was absolutely horrible and I am not ashamed to admit that I woke up and bawled my eyes out.

Matters have deteriorated at the yard (farm); for me at least. Although my old horse just carries on oblivious (as I want him to). I hate to be responsible for, part of or affected by (horrible term) a 'personality clash' - and it is so weird that in my 13th year of being there, I am finding the situation such a nightmare that I consider such a rash (or is it?) step.

I have known the chap - kept my horse on his property - for such a long time that I thought that all difficluties were behind us but his resentment towards me seems to be so huge. He is 70+ years old but very sprightly - now, that is. His wife - my dear friend - died just over four years ago (aged 55) - suddenly and quite possibly unncessarily. She had been overworked and neglected herself so that the Big C went undetected and took her within days of the diagnosis. Her husband fell into a deep deep depression; many of the horses (at that time probably between 14 and 18) were sent off to new homes and very old ones who had lived away were pts. It was silently acknowledged that there had been too many - and their sheer numbers had quite possibly played a part in her untimely death. His son (my now very close friend) helped drag the farm from the brink of bankruptcy; I offered to give £10,000 of my divorce settlement to help matters but was quite rudely rebuffed.

I have tried to fit in to whatever the circumstances may have been; my friend used to work shifts, I have always been available to help with the horses (most particularly mare and foal - who needed two people) and would usually put my own horse's needs last and spent more time at the property than would be healthy or productive for other areas of my life. I am no Saint but I never thought that having a horse would end up like this.

So, at last [thanks to someone having a stroke and giving him a reality/gratitude check], the depression has lifted. Oh boy - has it lifted. I know for sure that that is a good thing; except for the outcome for me. All through the summer months, I would without fail go and take the dog for a walk/p-- whilst no-one was at home for him. Now, when I approach the farm, the gates are closed against me. It may well be a new, previously unheard of (and never necessary) security measure but I (in my warped way I guess) see it as a metaphor for everything else that is going wrong ...

The money issue had been discusssed - albeit in a one-sided and unsatisfactory manner - and resolved; changes would be implemented when the horses start to come in for the night (again, the decision will not be mine). I had been left feeling a bit cornered and this man who for four years hardly gave me more than a grunt in greeting and a thanks for taking his dog out (not necessary) but now wanted to regale me with the details of his new and improved day (but never wanted to listen to me) turned into someone who seemed to loathe my very presence and certainly afforded me not even one iota of respect or consideration. To quote him "I make ALL the decisions around here". he has become a raging bully and in the past few days has:
Shouted at me in front of his handyman when I tried to clarify if I could get my car in.
When I (later) asked him to please not talk down to me in front of people, I opened the floodgates of personal insults; from my financial circumstances, marriage (failed), employment situation (which he only knew because I had mistakenly told him when he demanded more money); worst of all, he gesticulated a gun to the head when I asked him what he thought the solution was.
After that, I could see that dicussing anything wasn't going to work - it was as though all this hatred had been bottled up and now that he is feeling better, he has decided to let me have both barrels.
Because he had said so much that was off the main topic (i.e. horse - money), I wrote him a note (which he described as an epistle) to express my worry that a long term "relationship" should come to this and I didn't want there to be any upset.
I received a message that (three days later), I should dicuss the letter with him - which was just what I didn't want (he had told me that I had only had Chapter 1 from him, there was whole lot more to come). I avoided him but then he - almost literally - cornered me yesterday. I kept saying that I didn't want to dicuss it then (if at all), I had called to bring my horse some fresh carrots and check on him - not be arguing. I was talked over, shouted down and my point of view disparaged . I lost the plot and shouted back at him - mainly to tell him to stop going at me like he was. He fetched the letter and he had marked words in it in red, they were "investment" (I meant emotional), "money" "costs" and "profit". That was the only part of anything that I said that he focussed on. But then he started again with the insults - he absolutely loathes my friendship with his son, that we go to the pub quiz (recently started that), that we sit in the barn talking (setting the world to rights) for hours at a time, that he helps me with my horse because I am not there 24/7 (which is and has been a double-edged sword). He said that I prevent him from having a relationship with someone young (son is 35) and I should have no friendship with him at all. He says that no-one ever stays at the yard (liveries) because of me (all-powerful that I am) and that now he is going to have people coming, I must watch what I do or he will be "very angry". Then he went on to say that I am not taking good enough care of my horse (TB with goose-rump at age 27 is never going to look like a fat Thelwell), never worm him and that I should leave the water in his stable until it has been drunk not throw it away after the night-time; that I should give him feeds - when he knows the disruption this will cause by trying to bring him out (the others bully at the gateway) and then put him back in. This man seems to relish the fact that my horse is old and sometimes a bit of a loner; he has said that he is not allowed to eat the haylage that he has just started to put into the field - but I must pay for some in case he does. It must have made him so happy last night to see the three bays tucking in and my old grey off to one side, not getting a look in. Me - it broke my heart.

After all this - and entirely because of me - he held a meeting with his two sons (the one who is my friend and younger one who has moved away and broken free) and my entire life was picked apart (right down to the fact that my landlord insists on cash for the rent and that is deemed to be ME aiding some kind of tax fiddle !!!!!!!). There seems to be some kind of strategy drawn up (of which I am not fully apprised yet) and I will have to integrate more, pay more, be there more - to "help", that I must be happy and speak politely and civilly to any person who comes onto the yard (been a big fat zero in the last few years but now all and sundry are appearing; he has already made them aware how insignificant I am and, people being people, I tend to be largely ignored anyway).

The real problem is that NONE of this should matter - it shouldn't even be "out there". It has literally crippled me. I cannot let my horse's life hinge on this unpleasantness but is the answer to be (as I started oh so many years ago) such a doormat? I knew that time was limited, I just hoped fora few more weeks of being able to love and care for the old boy and to prepare myself for such a tough decision. Now, it's as though the goalposts have been moved to an entirely different pitch altogether. I couldn't think straight before; there's no hope now.

Thank you for reading all of this - if anyone has. Sorry for the length.

(So very sad and confused.)

trudij

Oh GotToChange - how very very sad.what a horrible state of affairs for you (and your horse) Dont know that theres anything I can say that will help at all - I wish I was nearer you and could at least offer you an ear and a coffee (and a bloody great brandy!!!)

take care

HUG xxx

orlao

Gottochange

This guy seems more than a touch unhinged to say the least.
As I see it (and of course, I'm not there) you have to get out of there one way or another. I wonder if, now that he's back "in the land of the living" you are a reminder of his bad times or if he is actually ill in some way? No excuse for his behaviour, mind you.

If I were you, despite what I said in a previous post I would move your horse even if only for a short time as if you have him PTS now it would only feel like you were doing it for the wrong reasons and I couldn't live with that personally. I know you said that the local yards weren't suitable but is there any small private yards that would consider you if you explained that it was only temporary? It might allow you a peaceful couple of weeks with your boy before you say goodbye rather than the stress of your current yard. If that is something you might consider, post on Horse and Hound Online asking for anything in your area explaining the circumstances (carefully though, it's a very small world!)

If the above isn't an option, try not to communicate with this man apart from the absolute essentials - how he speaks to you in front of other people says more about him to them then you IMHO - look after your boy and bow out of everything else and keep your head down. Not the way it should be but sometimes the path of least resistance is less stressful for you.

I had a similar situation a few years ago when the yard I'm on now changed hands due to the owners death. When they were ill and then died I was helping look after various animals 7 days a week and as they were disposed of/rehomed I and a few other people were no longer useful and we were reminded in no uncertain terms who was in charge now! It was a difficult time for me as I had lost a close friend and while I didn't begrudge the time and effort spent over 3 months helping out or want thanks I would have appreciated some acknowledgement of it instead of what seemed like resentment. In hindsight, I think it was jealousy that the liveries were closer to this lady than her own family but I dealt with by withdrawing from the day to day nonsense that was going on, I only spoke up about anything that was affecting me or my horses and have kept everything with them on a very business level rather than a personal friendly level. Sad really as it was a close yard where people stayed for years rather than the toing and froing that is normal on other yards.....however it has made it tolerable and as it suits one of mine especially I will stay there for now.....but if anything changes for the worse I am prepared to move even though it would be difficult.

I've only put in the above to show that it is possible to continue somewhere even when you loathe/have no respect for the owners and even be reasonably content when it's the best thing for your animal - just pick your battles wisely!

Raksha

I am so so sorry for you. It sounds as if the Father is jealous at best, and at worst unhinged (that's a great expression isn't it?).

From what you have said, perhaps moving your old boy to another yard would be best. Horses are sensitive and he's probably picking up on your concerns. If you're not so worried, he may even do better.

GotToChange

Orlao -

Thank you - you understand so well (in the middle of it, I cannot see or think sensibly) and your own experience parallels mine so closely.

I feel as though I got "sucked in" so very early on; all boundaries became blurred - we paid them in full, helped them out (my husband erected a row of internal stables - welding in place - in the evening after a full day doing the same thing) so very much - with no real issues - although I do remember referring to ourselves as the Muggins family... Over the years, everything has become so very informal, a very quid pro quo arrangement - especiallly after her death. I know for sure that there were so many times that I was relied on so very heavily. Deep down, a tiny part of me did mind - especially as the rest of my life shrank to nothing - but never would I have wanted anything more than respect. Equally, it felt far better to me for there to be respect, goodwill and affection from me, now it's impossible to feel even that.

And now it bites me on the a**. You have accomplished what I seem unable to and that is to revert (if, in my case, it ever existed) to a business footing. I have over the last few years simply been "quiet" - no real engagement with him (his choice) until that has become the norm. The place - my horse in particular and horses in general - has saved my soul on more than one occasion; I suppose that the burden is a little heavy.

Nevertheless, the peace that I had hoped for seems impossible to come by and I shall have to explore other options/places; a short time on a new yard - to give him the best final weeks that I can - is certainly my preferred choice now that all is spoilt here. You are very right when you say that now - like this - and I will always believe that it was for all the wrong reasons.

Thank you again for such wise words; it truly is Hell to feel this way and know that a living creature's life depends on me and my ability to do (whatever it is) the right thing.

orlao

I'm sure you will do the very best thing for your horse, no matter how difficult it is for you.

It is very hard when you're in the middle of this kind of carp, caused by other people being hurtful for whatever reason but remember that your responsibility is to your boy - not to nobody and nothing else. Really, have a look on HHO, they can be a bit scary but if you post a request for short term livery in your area you might get a few replies that are suitable and if your livery is already doubling plus paying for haylege in the field prices might not be so different....

Remember, while you have to deal with this man, head up, big smile and it is his attitude that is the problem, not you. If you are making "escape plans" at least you feel like you are dealing with the problem even if you don't put the plans into action.

((((((Hugs)))))

Artytarty

What a despicable old basterd he is!
No excuse ,but just maybe, the stroke caused some personality changes.This dosent help I know.
I'm ignorant about horses and their care but your post expresses such a deep love for your old boy that i had to say something.
Lots of people have given their well founded advice and I hope that somehow an suitable outcome can be found for you that dosent involve you looking back and feeling that you were under such tremendous pressure that you let your horse go before his time.
Arty,.

GotToChange

http://s906.photobucket.com/albums/ac270/TheOldGrey/

Thank you both for such kindness; this is all such a struggle and I am in the grip of a rotten inertia that will help no-one at all. I waited a lifetime to have this horse in my life - the cost of him has been so very high - but I would never wish him away. I am probably way too soppy and failing to be as pragmatic as I know I should.

I have made a mess of adding the pictures above and it shows my entire album (of all of two pictures); the one with the red rug is from this evening at 7:00pm - the other one a couple of weeks ago after a shampoo and set (affectionately titled "How clean is your horse" - he really only stayed so white for one full day...). The red rug was I think the trigger for demands of more money (it cost £27.95) as it was deduced that I have money to spare and therefore must go to the farm coffers. I sound bitter I know - and that's because I am, sadly.

A "discussion" (more of the same?) is planned for tomorrow evening. Oh joy.

lowis

so sorry to hear this...focus on you and your horse, get a new stable until you feel the time is right to say goodbye to him. do not let your troubles with this complete mental old fart destroy what time you have left with your horse. unwrap yourself from his BS, be free of him...you will feel sooooooo much better.

good luck xxx

Raksha

I felt I had to add something - you and your horse deserve to spend what ever time you have left enjoying each other's company rather than worrying about what might or might not be being said.