OH wants break after 7 months of marriage!!!

kaze_2

Hello to everybody and thank you for all your replies, the nice ones and the not so nice ones.

Yes i know, 7 months isn't very long to give a marriage a go i'm not exactly proud of that fact and i really hope that after he's had his little break and realises that things cost money and he has to do his own washing, cleaning etc and that going to the pub every night is not the bee all and end all, that we will be able to give it another go. As he basically left home, went into the army and then moved in with me, so not really had to deal with money side of things much, (own fault i know).

As for it being hard leaving the army after being on tour etc, i can relate to this, i meet him in bosnia when i was on a 6 month tour thru TA, not the same as iraq, i know but i found it weird going back to being a civvy, but i had to knuckle down as there were bills to pay etc.

As to the claiming benefits, i have looked into this on the benefits board and to be perfectly honest that is not really the route i want to go down, for a start the hassle that is involved just doesn't seem worth it, somehow i will survive.

When i bought this house that we live in now, i wanted to buy it jointly we'd been together for about 3 years then, he had some money to put towards it but he wasn't interested, same as when i swapped my car to get a bigger one to accommodate his fishing stuff, it could have been joint, but he said no.

Hope this makes things clearer, i do appreciate the comments, even the ones from viktory, if only for making me question my decision and for really making sure that i do everything in my power to make it work.

gibboelli

I wish I hadnt had two parents, it's messed me up having an abusive, bullying, controlling father who my mum stayed with in the belief that 'things would get better' well for 16 years they never did and I'm now in therapy and had a nervous breakdown at 13 thanks to my father.

I'd of much rather had a single mother and a happy childhood

Spendless

whothrewthat wrote: »

Whilst everyone may berate Vicktory, I actually agree with some of his comments and feel that if someone is looking for advice its better to have a balanced viewpoint than everyone automatically assuming that the OP is in the right. That said there are tactful ways of putting things!

For what its worth, I've added my two'penneth worth below:



The fact that you told him to leave does put a different spin on things. You say its your house, your car, etc, maybe he feels a bit patronised by the fact that you have effectively reduced him to a lodger status. I do think that expecting him to pay for a house that isn't a joint asset is a bit cheeky, even though he is living there in many ways. True he has a child with you and he needs to contribute to that expenditure, but other than giving you house keeping why should he pay your mortage?

Either you are married or you are not, trying to have a foot in both camps will not work. The message you are sending to him is that I hold all the cards mister and at any point I can give you the boot, effectively you seem to have reduced your marriage to a parent-child relationship and rather than challenging this he has started asking for pocket money!! I'm not justifying his actions, frankly I think he needs to grow a pair, but equally you need to recognise that you have contributed to this situation.

Also, it is incredibly hard leaving the forces after a long period of time, particularly if you have recently been on Operations. You lose a sense of identity and really feel the loss of a routine and status. My OH went through this and his head was all over the place for a good long while, even now he has the odd wobble but is getting there.

I think you were wrong and for the sake of your daughter you really need to give it another go. Mistakes seem to have been made on both sides, but surely its worth fighting for? You both need to have a very frank talk and get your cards out on the table.

Please don't get pushed down the benefits/CSA nightmare road, there may be a way from this if you are both willing to swallow your pride.

I know I sound a bit preachy but its so sad that these days we seem to throw things away without realising that it can work.

Good luck and all the best.

I agree with everything you've said, apart from the highighted bit. The reason he should pay the mortgage is because they are a family, married with a child and this is their family home, even if only one of them is on the mortgage.

As I met my hubby we both owned a property, so at one time or another one of us has lived in the property that 'belongs' to the other person. We are a unit. When DS was little we lived in 'my' house and I didn't work, if my husband had refused to 'pay' my mortgage then I would not have been pleased since my ability to work was reduced due to caring for OUR child.

Unless things have changed, in the event of a divorce, then it makes no difference if one is on the mortgage and the other isn't, various factors would be looked at, including contribution (which is not always financial), when dividing up assets. There might be many reasons why a spouse isn't on the house they jointly live in or why they haven't sold to live in a jointly owned one. In my case my house was in negative equity, we kept husband off so that an option would have been that we could eventually buy a bigger house in just his name and rent mine out (this was before the days of BTL).

Having said that the OP should make it clear that things aren't 'his' and 'hers' and that it's a joint effort, not saying she hasn't btw.

To the OP do you work at least 16 hours, if so you could top up your income with WTC.

Freddie_Snowbits

mrcow wrote: »

How are you going to pay the mortgage now if you've made him leave?

That really is most helpful, do you normally sit in the corner talking to yourself?

ladypinkof66

Op can I ask how old you and your husband are I am guessing you are still in your 20's

Reds-on-Sea

ladypinkof66 wrote: »

Op can I ask how old you and your husband are I am guessing you are still in your 20's

I think OP said she'd worked for 20 years, so I assume must be mid-30s at least.

I really do question how OP stayed with this guy so long, and had a baby with him without realising what he's like. The signs of his commitment-phobia sound like they've been there for a while. If they've been together 3+ years and decided to buy a house during that time (presumably to live in together) didn't OP think it strange that he didn't want to contribute or have his name on the mortgage?

I assume you didn't get as far as having a joint account!! Do couples really get to the stage of having a baby together without even discussing finances?

I don't usually make personal comments, but this guy sounds like a jerk.

Good for him, he'll be able to spend all his money on fags & booze, but he'll end up sad and lonely.

choccybuttons

Hi

My partner has similar background, moved from home to army, we got married then he left to start civi life. Its been ultra tough and in my opinion the only people who can really relate are those who have been in relationships with people from the forces and its a different world and they tend to leave being ultra messed up.

I get the whole asking him to go as it can become so unbearable. The money stuff, they are so used to having all this money and having to spend pratically nothing as the army take very little for their accomodation and food, it teaches them little money sense. If your the same as me, everything is in my name cos his credit rating is rubbish to no financial sense after the army doing everything for him. If it hadnt been for OH parents in the early years I doubt we still would be together.

Must admit my warning bells would have been ringing loud and clear if you were buying a house together after 3 years and he didnt want to put money in when your a partnership. Im sorry but he doesnt sound committed to you and your baby. TBH Im suprised he got married as he sounds very selfish. Just concentrate on yourself. RELATE can be good support even if you have decided to seperate as it just gives you someone to bounce your thoughts off.

NEH

So let's get this straight I see what Viktory is saying but...

he spends a good proportion of his time in the pub instead of with his family
He had the chance to jointly own and contribute to the mortage and car etc but he refused...
you kicked him out but in actual fact he had already told you he wanted to go
the money he does have he spends at the pub or when outside the pub its beer and cigarettes....

so from what i can see you have those things like the mortgage and car in your own name as protection because if he went and had a bender or whatever and got into debt then you would get penalised and let's face it that isn't going to help your daughter so I doubt it's a case of partonisation towards him as he has had his opportunity and you cannot put your financial security on the line for him when you have a young one to consider...

ok he's come out of the army but if he is willing to give up on his wife and child then maybe he is better off on his own if nothing else to sort his head out and if he needs finds some support to help him deal with this...

I don't think this is a case of making this work, you've already given it months if not years and given him patience, time, money and support...You have tried to make things work but I think that maybe now is the time to say enough is enough, his chances have been wasted and you have to get you and your daughters life sorted wthout letting this guy keep pulling you both down...

kaze_2

ladypinkof66 wrote: »

Op can I ask how old you and your husband are I am guessing you are still in your 20's

I am 36 and he is 28, i did speak to him today and i said i would like us to try and make things work and would he like to come back, he just told me its only been 2 days thats hardly a break and if he came back now it would mean i had won???

I then told him that i wouldn't ring or text him to give him some space, and if he wanted to know how his daughter was i would answer those questions but i wouldn't say anything about the relationship.

I don't know what else to do, when i asked him how long a break he wanted he said it will be as long as it takes. The thing is the longer he is away the harder it will be to take him back, i know that sounds horrible but i don't want to get myself all sorted out and then he wants to come back. Because it will basically be that he left me because i got made redundant and only wants me back because i've got money again.

NEH

kaze wrote: »

I am 36 and he is 28, i did speak to him today and i said i would like us to try and make things work and would he like to come back, he just told me its only been 2 days thats hardly a break and if he came back now it would mean i had won???

I then told him that i wouldn't ring or text him to give him some space, and if he wanted to know how his daughter was i would answer those questions but i wouldn't say anything about the relationship.

I don't know what else to do, when i asked him how long a break he wanted he said it will be as long as it takes. The thing is the longer he is away the harder it will be to take him back, i know that sounds horrible but i don't want to get myself all sorted out and then he wants to come back. Because it will basically be that he left me because i got made redundant and only wants me back because i've got money again.

The thing is you have to ask yourself what you want regardless of what anyone else wants....This is the thing that you have to think about...