What do you do with a partner who doesn't want to change?

TotallyBroke

Hi, sorry to hear things are still not going well.
You really do need to talk and work out what can be done.
Did you do any of the talking points that I mentioned to you before. Have you asked her where you see yourselves in 1 years time, 3 years time etc. You really need to do this.

You also need to get the Tax credits and child benefit put into your account so that she cannot spend it. You have to work out what money is coming in and where the split is. Did my spending sheets not help you with that.

Do you show her these posts. I think it is time you did.
Print all your threads off, staple them together and then give them to her Saturday morning as you and the children go out for the day.

If I was you I would tell her that I expect her to read them and then want to discuss how as a family we could move forward. If she cannot do that then she is too selfish to be part of the family and I would expect her to be gone by the time you and the children got back. Although as I say I would do this.

Katy_M_2

moneymakestheworldgoround wrote: »

Only my opinion so feel free to ignore it :D

You need to break her. You need to have the long painful confrontation which will probably result in slamming of doors, accusations and snide digs. ( Please remove the child from the house first !)

You need to battle through the anger, resentment and abuse and work it through to the early hours when you both crack and shed some tears and declare a truce.

Most people tickle the surface, and when the voices raise and the tempers flare, they walk off and remove themselves from the scenario and never quite get to the bottom of the problem.

What was her homelife like? Does she have successful parents and see feels like a failure? Does she have role models around and she is trying to keep up with the Joneses? Was she raised without much love and money was used as a way of affection? Was she brought up with no respect for money? etc....

Has she always been like this? Has the birth of your child affected her attitudes?

Some people will never ever change. Some people dont know how to. Some people are afraid of failing and so never begin the hard slog. You need to work out which of these she is.

xxx

I keep getting half way through a reply to the orginal post but then realise that what I am saying has already been said above by MMTWGR.

Your other half obviously has some issues that she needs to work through, I'm sure that she is not acting this way to purposely upset you and rock the boat. It is really hard to sit down and get right to the bottom of things when it is causing anger and so many problems, but you need to put your resentment to the back of your head and speak calmly with her and try and be supportive (as hard as this may seem).

Saying things like - she can try dealing with the finances for the next month and so on is just setting things up for a fall. You know she cannot do it, and when she does fail, you will be in a 'there I told you so' frame of mind.

Try sitting down with her with all the paperwork and showing it all to her in black and white and explaining that this must get sorted otherwise not only your relationship will be suffering, but your childs upbringing aswell.

I do agree that she is being very selfish and irresponsible - but dealing with it from anger and resentment will only make things worse.

I realise this isn't particularly helpful, but I agree whole heartedly with MMTWGR's post.

Daffykjs

KatP wrote: »

Are you sure there is nothing more to it than this? No bi polar disorder or similar problem??

Are you sure she understands the severity of the situation?

I think you need to spell out to her very clearly that if she continues she may loose you the roof over your heads. Then propose a plan.

I'd suggest that plan involves you taking complete control of all finances and all money and she just gets a small pocket money budget. Don't even give her housekeeping, do the shopping online or go with her and pay. She clearly has no self control and until she realises this you need to look after yourself and your children. Don't let her be responsible for having your power cut off or your house reposessed.

This is pretty much what i was going to suggest and what i do with my hubby (altho to be fair to him, he has been very accepting of it and doesn't try and sabotage like your OH seems to be doing).

His wages get paid into the bills account (which is now in my name, but only because he has an od with the same bank which is on the DMP) and so he has no account anymore. I pay the bills (well the dd's do) and keep control (most of the time) of the money and he gets pocket money. i get the shopping and the petrol etc etc. like i said he was very accepting of this and i think almost grateful for it! (yes i do sometimes feel like i married a child!)

Also, I've many a time got upset at his lack of 'getting involved' in it all, and the only thing that has previously managed to scare him into the extent of our problem is the risk of losing our house (altho this seems to be less important to him than me). so this is what i have to bring up if he isn't taking me seriously!

I think you need to find out what thing scares her (like losing the roof over your kids heads for example) and try and make her understand how serious this situation is! and try and not accuse when suggesting you take it all on and give her pocket money. because depending on her issues (which she clearly has) this might be something she will baulk (sp) at and might make things worse rather than better.

i completely understand the whole 'wanting a life' thing and this is the reason it took me so long to face up to our situation. but you must somehow make her realise that that attitude HAS to change because if it carries on it will only get worse.

and if none of this works, i agree you need to separate the DMP and get yourself out of it (if not the whole situation!)!

I really feel for you and I hope she gets her LBM soon!

PS. I do think she (and maybe you too) need to speak to someone about the depression part of all this too!