What do you do with a partner who doesn't want to change?

BlueIsTheColour

Sorry you're feeling this way, I understand very much as my OH is the same, very much an "Ostrich" when it comes to any financial matters.

I wonder from the things you say whether it would be worth her seeing her GP about possible depression or perhaps some type of counselling to help her get to the route of the problems? I finally persuaded my OH to do this and he was diagnosed with severe depression and whilst that in itself hasnt changed our situation, it means he is able to start, in small chunks, to deal with the problems.

I have had to resort to getting his wages paid into my account and just giving him spending money, mainly cos everytime his wages got paid into his account they were eaten up with charges, and now I just give him spending money for fuel, bits & bobs etc. Sometimes I resent him for this cos I have all the responsibility and part of me thinks its wrong for him to shirk it off just saying he cant, but ultimately I hope that he will learn.... I could be wrong tho, so this way at least he cant spend all his wages on stupid rubbish we dont need...

I hope you find a workable solution for you, and I suspect that will mean some tough decisions, but ultimately you have to make them to start the journey to where you want to go.

Good luck

Katie-Kat-Kins

Not being funny but do you know what she is spending it on? When she said she spent it on shopping had she done a big shop or something? Did you actually see what she had bought?

I'm wondering whether she might be in trouble or have an addiction that is costing a lot. That might explain the defensiveness and the rest of her behaviour.

If you think she is being truthful about the budget then encourage her to get help with the depression as that will help, living with someone who is depressed is not pleasent I've been there and it gets easier when they are having treatment.

Then start to address the spending. You need to talk to her though, giving her an allowance and taking responsibility for the bills yourself may be the answer or it may be to involve her more in setting the budget and running a spreadsheet. It depends on her underlying feelings. Make sure your budget is realistic too, maybe she finds the budget too tough and can't cope, if so involving her in it may help. You need to be able to have some successes to keep yourselves motivated. Then plan treats to celebrate successes (free or very cheap treats though!).

Keep posting here for support though, and try to get her to use this site, it might help her see that spending isn't the answer. Even if she just comes on to use the freebies board to investigate cheap/free treats it might just help get her in the right mindset.

moneymakestheworldgoround

Only my opinion so feel free to ignore it :D

You need to break her. You need to have the long painful confrontation which will probably result in slamming of doors, accusations and snide digs. ( Please remove the child from the house first !)

You need to battle through the anger, resentment and abuse and work it through to the early hours when you both crack and shed some tears and declare a truce.

Most people tickle the surface, and when the voices raise and the tempers flare, they walk off and remove themselves from the scenario and never quite get to the bottom of the problem.

What was her homelife like? Does she have successful parents and see feels like a failure? Does she have role models around and she is trying to keep up with the Joneses? Was she raised without much love and money was used as a way of affection? Was she brought up with no respect for money? etc....

Has she always been like this? Has the birth of your child affected her attitudes?

Some people will never ever change. Some people dont know how to. Some people are afraid of failing and so never begin the hard slog. You need to work out which of these she is.

When is your debt free date?

Sorry for all the questions

xxx

Cheesedoff_2

Moneymakestheworldgoround (sheesh thats one long name!! lol)
I do think you have a completely valid point with what your saying, we are all quick (myself included) to look at someones financial "issues" and nothing else, like you said, it could be her way of coping. I know my hubby has financial issues and uses money and items as a way of thinking he will suddenly become popular if he has xy and z, we all know this isnt the fact!
He was bullied and always played second fiddle to his younger brother (ive seen it with my own eyes) he was never popular at school or at home which is why i truly believe he is the way he is with finances and the inability to say no to himself when hes wanted something.

There are several disorders such as bi-polar, depression, low self asteem in which the sufferer cannot help themselves with regards to spending. Then again, some are just downright selfish and want it now no matter what the consequences! I have had the financial issue problem with the OH and have "discussed" it with him but never actually pinned him down and basically put it on the line....maybe i should, i may just get to the bottom of his problem.

RAS

nirelandguy

I picked this off an old thread

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly.. .APR
PAYPLAN........................5000......70....... .0
TAX CREDIT OVER PAYME..........2000......60........0
OVERDRAFT......................400.......15....... .0
CATALOGUES.....................550.......30....... .0
CREDIT CARDS...................800.......40........0
Total unsecured debts..........8750......215.......-

But I recall there is a car issue as well which cost about £100 and you cannot get to work without the car?

Can I suggest that you discuss with Payplan coming out of the DMP and let your OH do the DMP on her own. From then on in she has to sort out her own debts.

You however pick up the whole of the tab for the tax credits overpayments and give her half the cost of the car each month. Since the tax credits is the joint debt, you will get hammered if dhe does not pay her "half". But if all the Payplan debt is hers, she needs to sort it out.

With respect to the mystery shopping see EagerLearner's excellent thread or read here http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?p=13244765#post13244765.

Nixxx

nirelandguy wrote: »

Yes I've been interested in that, how do you go about it?

Try the following websites, I only have a little experience with the first one but the rest I got from googling:

http://www.retaileyes.co.uk
http://www.ukims.co.uk/
http://www.cybershoppers.nopworld.com/
http://www.mystery-shoppers.co.uk/
http://www.retailactive.com/

System

Bit of an update here, I do believe I am flogging a dead horse, so am going solo from now on. My half of the bills etc paid, she can do what ever I am past caring.

I talked to her about the info in the post a couple of weeks again she fell out with me, why do women always turn it around so the man is at fault

Few days later we have the arrival of a Nintento WII for our kids for Xmas, she took out a mobile contract so she could get the free Wii, best part is she doesn't even like the phone and is using her old phone.

In this weeks pay I saved £20 so we could have a bit of a treat tonight, a chinese while watching the footie. Got it out of the bank this morning, gave it to her and said leave that in the house, (I never take money to work as i'd only spend it) arrive home, told her my plans and you guessed it she bloody spent it, I went through her for a short cut, some friend of hers is moving into a house and she is going around tonight to visit and wanted to buy her a gift, I mean why the hell should I give a !!!!!! about a friend who A/ Never bought us nothing when we moved in and B/ earns double what we do. Grrrrrrrr.

Am I over reacting here? I am proper !!!!!! of

SarahNeedle1872

nirelandguy wrote: »

Bit of an update here, I do believe I am flogging a dead horse, so am going solo from now on. My half of the bills etc paid, she can do what ever I am past caring.

I talked to her about the info in the post a couple of weeks again she fell out with me, why do women always turn it around so the man is at fault

Few days later we have the arrival of a Nintento WII for our kids for Xmas, she took out a mobile contract so she could get the free Wii, best part is she doesn't even like the phone and is using her old phone.

In this weeks pay I saved £20 so we could have a bit of a treat tonight, a chinese while watching the footie. Got it out of the bank this morning, gave it to her and said leave that in the house, (I never take money to work as i'd only spend it) arrive home, told her my plans and you guessed it she bloody spent it, I went through her for a short cut, some friend of hers is moving into a house and she is going around tonight to visit and wanted to buy her a gift, I mean why the hell should I give a !!!!!! about a friend who A/ Never bought us nothing when we moved in and B/ earns double what we do. Grrrrrrrr.

Am I over reacting here? I am proper !!!!!! of

No way are you over-reacting! I would have been furious too! Your OH sounds very similar to mine (which is not a good thing sadly) but your attitude is also very similar to mine - I have given up trying to get OH to see sense, esp after he took a pay day loan for £230 thats gonna end up costing him £330 :mad:

Its very frustrationg because I love him to pieces, but we're never gonna have a secure future together when he is so deceitful about money!

I hope she sees sense eventually!

Sx

dgl1001

nirelandguy wrote: »

Bit of an update here, I do believe I am flogging a dead horse, so am going solo from now on. My half of the bills etc paid, she can do what ever I am past caring.

I talked to her about the info in the post a couple of weeks again she fell out with me, why do women always turn it around so the man is at fault

Few days later we have the arrival of a Nintento WII for our kids for Xmas, she took out a mobile contract so she could get the free Wii, best part is she doesn't even like the phone and is using her old phone.

In this weeks pay I saved £20 so we could have a bit of a treat tonight, a chinese while watching the footie. Got it out of the bank this morning, gave it to her and said leave that in the house, (I never take money to work as i'd only spend it) arrive home, told her my plans and you guessed it she bloody spent it, I went through her for a short cut, some friend of hers is moving into a house and she is going around tonight to visit and wanted to buy her a gift, I mean why the hell should I give a !!!!!! about a friend who A/ Never bought us nothing when we moved in and B/ earns double what we do. Grrrrrrrr.

Am I over reacting here? I am proper !!!!!! of

your not over reacting, i would be furious. unfortunately she comes across as very selfish. Im married but i have to say that if my wife behalves like this, i would be asking serious questions about the relationship - sorry

RAS

nirelandguy wrote: »

Bit of an update here, I do believe I am flogging a dead horse, so am going solo from now on. My half of the bills etc paid, she can do what ever I am past caring.

NO. Do not do that.

You pay off the whole of the joint debt (HB overpayment) as this is in joint names and not paying it means that YOU get into trouble. The whole thinking about joint debts is that YOU are wholly liable for the full amount, not just half the amount.

Talk to Payplan about ending the joint DMP and then she can sort out a personal one in her own name. Since all the other debts are in her name, your not contributing to them cannot hurt you.

Then discuss with her which household bills are in your name and which in her name. Do not have any joint accounts as when she does not pay, it ruins your credit rating.

Do not give her any cash ever, as you have learned. I would suggest that you never give her money for food, just buy stuff so the boys get fed.