What do you do with a partner who doesn't want to change?

Legacy_user

I've posted similar before and things are getting no better in fact I think they are getting worse.

My OH has simply no interest in managing money of paying of debt so I have now stopped, what I mean by this is for example, we have a BT bill due today, she had pleanty of warning about it, we keep all our money seperate because if we didn't we'd be homeless as she would spend it all, so bill due today she can't afford to pay it so I paid my half, and if they cut us of so be it, and the reason she can't afford it is, I gave her money last week to buy our son a new school uniform, gave her £40 for all the bits and bobs, she arrives home with a £3 pencil case, where is the rest of the money I ask, she shouts at me and tells me she needed it for shopping, which I gave her money for but again she spent and so the story goes on.

We signed up with payplan a few months back, she paid her half for 2 weeks, I have paid it since, I have now stopped paying her half aswell.

As you know we got over paid tax credits again because of her, I never seen any of the money, went straight to her, we got caught, I have to pay it back, we split if 50/50 she done this one month and I've had to pay it since, I have now stopped this aswell. If you get at her about this, she starts a fight and makes out its me in the wrong, only for the kids I think she'd be safer kicked out, we couldn't afford to live seperate hence why we are still together

GeorgeUK

Ask her to keep a spending diary. If she can show that the shopping costs more than has been budgeted for, then that needs to be calculated for. Try not to dwell on what has happened, but focus on what you can do moving forward.

What would she say to making shopping lists and only sticking to them?

Do you ask her for her advice about what she thinks you should do and how to do it?

System

GeorgeUK wrote: »

Ask her to keep a spending diary. If she can show that the shopping costs more than has been budgeted for, then that needs to be calculated for. Try not to dwell on what has happened, but focus on what you can do moving forward.

What would she say to making shopping lists and only sticking to them?

Do you ask her for her advice about what she thinks you should do and how to do it?

I do the shopping list, but may aswell not bother, I have managed to cut it down to £40 for a family of 4, which I thought is good, but because she works in a supermarket arrives home with a load of chocolate and junk daily, and if you get at her about it you get "Well whats the point of living, i'd be better of dead" so thats what you have to content with.

RAS

Which debts are in your name, whicha re in her name and which are joint? How much are they?

bedhair

I have been married for 8 years now and myself and my husband still have separate bank accounts.
Try sitting down and working out what your monthly outgoings are ( I suggest filling in a SOA here) and arrive at a total figure. Agree what both of you will pay towards the figure (it may be a 50/50 split or if you incomes are different you may need to renegotiate the percentages.)
Open a different bank account, possible attached to an existing account you have or a new joint account. Set up a standing order to pay in your agreed values and then have all the household bills and expenses coming out of this one account.
Whatever is left in your separate accounts can be seen as your own for spending money or those little treats.
It may be that your partner is feeling resentful that she doesn't have control over the household finances and this spending behaviour may be a way of rebelling.

Hope this helps
Bedhair

System

RAS wrote: »

Which debts are in your name, whicha re in her name and which are joint? How much are they?

Most are in her name, the only joint is tax credits, including tac credits they come to about £13K, not massive but when you condsider our income of around £15K per year they are massive to us

System

bedhair wrote: »

I have been married for 8 years now and myself and my husband still have separate bank accounts.
Try sitting down and working out what your monthly outgoings are ( I suggest filling in a SOA here) and arrive at a total figure. Agree what both of you will pay towards the figure (it may be a 50/50 split or if you incomes are different you may need to renegotiate the percentages.)
Open a different bank account, possible attached to an existing account you have or a new joint account. Set up a standing order to pay in your agreed values and then have all the household bills and expenses coming out of this one account.
Whatever is left in your separate accounts can be seen as your own for spending money or those little treats.
It may be that your partner is feeling resentful that she doesn't have control over the household finances and this spending behaviour may be a way of rebelling.

Hope this helps
Bedhair

We have done that, it lasts a month max, then left to me to pay.

ClareEmily

Ouch you both sound really uphappy.

My hubby is totally useless with money and he will admit that, any money crossing his palm has to be spent.

We have a joint account for bills, rent, food etc, a set amount comes out of each of our personal bank accounts by direct debit at the beginning of the month. I have a debit card for this account but my husband doesn't, all he has access to is the paying in book.

As long as he pays in the agreed amount each month, he can spend the rest of his money any way he wants to.

He has no clue about paying bills etc, I could get wound up about it but frankly life is too short.

At the moment you are treating her like a child so she is acting/rebelling like one.

RAS

In whose name are the household accounts?

ClareEmily

bedhair wrote: »

I have been married for 8 years now and myself and my husband still have separate bank accounts.
Try sitting down and working out what your monthly outgoings are ( I suggest filling in a SOA here) and arrive at a total figure. Agree what both of you will pay towards the figure (it may be a 50/50 split or if you incomes are different you may need to renegotiate the percentages.)
Open a different bank account, possible attached to an existing account you have or a new joint account. Set up a standing order to pay in your agreed values and then have all the household bills and expenses coming out of this one account.
Whatever is left in your separate accounts can be seen as your own for spending money or those little treats.
It may be that your partner is feeling resentful that she doesn't have control over the household finances and this spending behaviour may be a way of rebelling.

Hope this helps
Bedhair

LOL snap just seen your post

euronorris

nirelandguy wrote: »

We have done that, it lasts a month max, then left to me to pay.

Has she ever offered a full explanation as to why she gives up on it so quickly? Other than 'what's the point of living', as that isn't really an explanation in my eyes.

I'm sure you've already tried, but, perhaps if you can fully understand her behaviour, then you can start to address it properly and with more succesful results.

If this has already been tried, then please don't take offence. It's always best to check.