my MIL has took over my wedding planning and is organising things without telling me

debs2327

lauhen wrote: »

Whether you talk to her or not is your decision, my mil as I said did not speak to me once on my wedding day, but I didn't care at all, I had a great day with everything how I wanted, things went on before this that made it icy. We are fine now, 8 years later. Are you taking everything to do with the wedding to your house, I would, just say that you want to go through everything to make sure it's how you want it. As I said can you not have your family involved ( I don't think you answered this in other posts, sorry if you have).
Please take control of your day.

yeh were going to bring it all to our house soon anyway so we could sort it out but we want it her sooner now so she doesnt organise anything else ,
as my family goes they are 200 mile away and sadly my parents are no longer here i only have 1 sister and 1 brother there is only about 25 of my family coming to the wedding my sister has tried to help and my brother welll lol hes a bloke bless him lol but my cousins keep asking about the wedding but noone has really hellped in a physical way xx

mrcow

debs2327 wrote: »

i beg you sodding pardon mrcow
my mil has took all the time a bride is supposed to have with there bridesmaids away from me they have all lied to my face as her and my bridesmaids kept it from me that they even had a fitting even though i have been asking her to organise a date so i can be there and we can all go up but she has done this without even telling me what right has she got to go and organise my bridesmaids without telling me it should be me who goes with them for there fittings to see if they are how i wanted them to look as after all they are supposed to be MY BRIDESMAIDS
the page boys yes i do think she is out of order buying MY SONS SUIT that is mine and my h2b`s job its our special time with our son and she didnt tell me either about that so yeh she is out of order
the platters yeh she was wrong about them SHE asked me to get them and i did but didnt tell me that she`d already bought them , yes she is doing our catering but i was asked to buy them !!!!!!!!!!! again MINE AND BAZ`S WEDDING !!!!!!!!
yes she is making our cake but even that she has tried her hardest to do it her way as we wanted spice and sponge layers and what have we got all spice layers so weve had to make sure the decoration is how we want with ONLY the flowers and monograms AGAIN IM THE BRIDE BAZ IS THE GROOM AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION IT WAS OUR DAY !!!!!!!!!!
SHE HAS TOOK OVER ENOUGH THINGS NOT ANY MORE !!!!!

If you think that you've said nothing wrong in this thread, then print the thing off and show it to her (including the bit where you thanked the other poster for calling her a b1tch.

I wasn't expecting a coherent answer from you tbh given your opening post, so your reply doesn't surprise me. But I do think that you need some perspective on here. If you don't get some, then you are going to end up saying something to her that you regret for years to come.

I understand that other posters are being supportive, and I'm seriously not knocking that. But remember........they don't have to live with the woman and her family. They can say what they like becasue at the end of the day, they can switch off the computer and it's not their problem, or their family.

If you start ranting like a nutcase in real life about some bridesmaid's straps and some food platters, it's not going to be forgotton in a hurry.

You say that everyone has lied to you about the dress fittings......do you think that the reason for that could possibly be that you are in a scary place right now? Wedding stress can bring the worst out in people.

anotherbigspender

mrcow wrote: »

If you think that you've said nothing wrong in this thread, then print the thing off and show it to her (including the bit where you thanked the other poster for calling her a b1tch.

This was going to be my next suggestion. Or ... if she can use a computer, save the trees and email her the link instead.

Raini

I know that it's hard but maybe try to see it from her point of view. She's obviously very insecure to take over like this - and not very good at inter-personal relationships or empathy! Her little boy is getting married & maybe she feels like she is loosing him. Or on the other hand maybe she is just a control freak - which is usually born out of insecurity. But look at it this way you get to live with her boy for the rest of your lives. However she tries to take over your day she can't because it's yours & Baz's and there is nothing she can do to change that.

Do you get those moments when there is no-one else in the room but him? It will be a whole day of that & MiL could be doing the can-can on the moon but who cares ...

Let her crazy herself out & then leave with your husband.

Easier said than done I know.

shellsuit

If you don't talk to her and tell her she is upsetting you/winding you up, then she will have no idea that what she is doing is upsetting/hurting you!

Have a word with her, tell her that you're miffed about not knowing about the fittings as it's something you wanted to be part of, and about the suits for the boys and see what she says.

If she says "Well I only wanted..." , then have it out with her as it's not about what she wants.

If she looks shocked and apologises, then you will know she really only had your best interests at heart.

Don't fall out with her before the day, not if you can help it anyway.

You might not mind speaking to her, but it will create an atmosphere and make people feel uneasy.

Can I just say though, you said you were asking her to organise things......she's organised them and either hasn't told you or you're not happy with what she's organised, so can I suggest that you take the reins from here and do all the organising??

debs2327

mrcow wrote: »

If you think that you've said nothing wrong in this thread, then print the thing off and show it to her (including the bit where you thanked the other poster for calling her a b1tch.

I wasn't expecting a coherent answer from you tbh given your opening post, so your reply doesn't surprise me. But I do think that you need some perspective on here. If you don't get some, then you are going to end up saying something to her that you regret for years to come.

I understand that other posters are being supportive, and I'm seriously not knocking that. But remember........they don't have to live with the woman and her family. They can say what they like becasue at the end of the day, they can switch off the computer and it's not their problem, or their family.

If you start ranting like a nutcase in real life about some bridesmaid's straps and some food platters, it's not going to be forgotton in a hurry.

You say that everyone has lied to you about the dress fittings......do you think that the reason for that could possibly be that you are in a scary place right now? Wedding stress can bring the worst out in people.

listen my mil has taken over my wedding planning and has organised things without even asking me you obviously have never experienced it and i hope you never do as its an awfull experience as far as me ranting its not only me who has decided to keep my mouth shut for the time being my h2b has too and we are going to talk to her after the wedding ,
i deserve a lovely time planning our wedding just as much as any other bride and deserve to have our wedding to how imagine it i do belive noone should take over the bride or groom and do belive noone should upstage the couple throught there wedding planning the only mistake i have made is trying to involve everyone so noone would be huffed its just sad that its me thats been the one who got huffed !!!

debs2327

shellsuit wrote: »

If you don't talk to her and tell her she is upsetting you/winding you up, then she will have no idea that what she is doing is upsetting/hurting you!

Have a word with her, tell her that you're miffed about not knowing about the fittings as it's something you wanted to be part of, and about the suits for the boys and see what she says.

If she says "Well I only wanted..." , then have it out with her as it's not about what she wants.

If she looks shocked and apologises, then you will know she really only had your best interests at heart.

Don't fall out with her before the day, not if you can help it anyway.

You might not mind speaking to her, but it will create an atmosphere and make people feel uneasy.

Can I just say though, you said you were asking her to organise things......she's organised them and either hasn't told you or you're not happy with what she's organised, so can I suggest that you take the reins from here and do all the organising??

i only asked her to organise the appointment with the seamstress as it is a friend of hers and she had her number and she has delt with her before from other alterations shes had done for herself so she KNEW i only wanted her to make the appointment not do it all with fittings and all

RustyFlange

mrcow wrote: »

I think you are over reacting to say the least.

What has she actually done that you didn't want her to do? Helped to get (some of the) the bridesmaids dresses altered (and?), help them pick their shoes (who is going to give a flying fig what shoes anyone is wearing? No one is even going to see them), seen two people wearing a couple of waistcoats (and what? they are her grandsons, is she not even allowed to look? Does she need your permission to do so?) and bought some platters (you asked her to sort out the food anyway, so she's just going what she's asked).

Seriously.......take a step back and breathe.

What on Earth has this woman done that you would condone another member on here calling her a b1tch? She is your future husband's mother and you are being insulting and ungrateful about some outfits and some food platters that she has tried to help you with.

The woman was trying to help. I see nothing in your posts that have suggested that she's doing anything out of malice.

I understand that you are stressed, but this is ridiculous.

This is the same woman that lovingly made you your beautiful wedding cake? Yeah right - what a b1tch she is. Shame on you.

debs2327 wrote: »

i beg you sodding pardon mrcow
my mil has took all the time a bride is supposed to have with there bridesmaids away from me they have all lied to my face as her and my bridesmaids kept it from me that they even had a fitting even though i have been asking her to organise a date so i can be there and we can all go up but she has done this without even telling me what right has she got to go and organise my bridesmaids without telling me it should be me who goes with them for there fittings to see if they are how i wanted them to look as after all they are supposed to be MY BRIDESMAIDS
the page boys yes i do think she is out of order buying MY SONS SUIT that is mine and my h2b`s job its our special time with our son and she didnt tell me either about that so yeh she is out of order
the platters yeh she was wrong about them SHE asked me to get them and i did but didnt tell me that she`d already bought them , yes she is doing our catering but i was asked to buy them !!!!!!!!!!! again MINE AND BAZ`S WEDDING !!!!!!!!
yes she is making our cake but even that she has tried her hardest to do it her way as we wanted spice and sponge layers and what have we got all spice layers so weve had to make sure the decoration is how we want with ONLY the flowers and monograms AGAIN IM THE BRIDE BAZ IS THE GROOM AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION IT WAS OUR DAY !!!!!!!!!!
SHE HAS TOOK OVER ENOUGH THINGS NOT ANY MORE !!!!!

I have quoted both posts. I know I am not a poster on this part of the forum but this thread is really annoying me.

Mr Cow I completely agree with your post 110% and have thanked.

As for the OP. Just a few things I have picked up...

I think your attitude when something doesn't go your way I quote the above "I beg your sodding pardon!" Hardly the nicest of responses just because someone dares to not think your way? and have your views?

1 - It is YOUR wedding day - Fair enough thats cool, congratulations and all that! hope you have a fab day.

2 - You asked your MIL to do the catering - She was kind enough to do it for you, ok so she asked you to pick up some plates or something and then already bought some but maybe she was so busy trying to get things sorted for YOUR wedding that she had forgotten she had asked you. She is after all only human.

3 - The bridesmaid dresses - I may well be wrong here, but I gather you chose the dresses together? ok so maybe it was wrong of her to get them altered and shoes bought without you knowing, but I honestly don't see her doing this as malicious, I think she was actually trying to suprise you and be nice!! (this is how I am reading it) as someone has recently said ... straps are easily removed!! some kitchen scissors will do it nicely!


The cake - Maybe there is a reason for it all being spice cake? rather than part and part/ I don't know I aint a baker or a cake maker!!


But I seriously think you need to be saying thankyou for everything she has done for you!! there have been posters on here who have not had the help, ok so I see where you are coming from but seriously get a grip!! Yes it is YOUR wedding and YOUR big day, but you are putting your OH in a very difficult position it is his mum and he only has one!!


Ok thats it from me for now ... I will probably have a response of abuse from everyone but hey who cares!

anotherbigspender

debs2327 wrote: »

*snip* we are going to talk to her after the wedding *snip*

!!!!!!???! What use is that? This is how the conversation will go:

Deb & Baz: "Yeah so like Mum we are really huffed about the way you kinda took over all the planning and stuff before the wedding. Deb really wanted to do all that kinda stuff with the bridesmades and page boys and she got really, really upset. She even had to rant about it on an internet forum. It was that bad!"

MIL: "Oh right. Why didn't you both say something beforehand? I was only trying to help you guys out. To be honest I would have been glad to hand stuff over to you, it was becoming a bit of a ball ache"

debs2327

1 , baz has felt the same about his mother before me i actually liked her it was him who kept telling me what she was like with some other family members and i maybe be stupidly didnt belive him

2, my mil knows what shes doing and yes none of you know her and never will but i know what she has done she knew what she was doing

3, i need to say thanks for doing our cake and catering yes and we will with smiles on our faces as we are gratefull as that is what we asked her to do and she agreed but the rest no i could say thanks for making me feel pushed out of my wedding and making me miss out on important things to do with our wedding , i have even bought her a thank you gift and will order her her flowers for the cake and catering so no im not that nasty



3 the catering she offered to do the catering as she does at any family do and no she wasnt too busy sorting out my wedding SHE ASKED ME TO GET THEM THE DAY BEFORE SO I GOT THEM FOR HER TO TELL ME SHE`S ALREADY BOUGHT THEM so she asked me 1 day then went and bought them the next day

4, as for the talking to her me and baz has decided together not to say anything cos as WE know her it will cause a big family argument and we have 2 n half weeks to go and we want a lovely day as its what we deserve just as any other couple does we dont want a black cloud to be hung over the wedding ,

5 , i really cant belive if this happened to you if you were planning your wedding you would not be upset and feel pushed our if your mil or other family member done these things to you ,

6 , oh and the last comment of the mok conversation we are not nasty ppl and would not be sarcastic and only wanted to be involved in my bridesmaids not have the whole time taken off me ,

this will be my last post on this as i am trying my hardest to put this at the back of my mind and enjoy my last few days of planning i really cant understand y im getting picked on here all i wanted is to feel like a bride but i guess that isnt how it always is xx