Advice needed please

Chinkle

Firstly, you said this girl works in his office, so they've known each other for more than six weeks (potentially they could have been having a relationship prior to this, maybe he didn't want to tell you he was cheating on his ex).

However, this girl's behaviour does sound rather odd, either she is very needy/clingy type or a gold digger. Neither of which bods well.

I think the saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" works well here. You need to sus her out a bit more. So grit your teeth, be nice to her. Arrange another meeting maybe at his place or on neutral territory maybe your daughter can get to know her separately too (that way you can compare notes!).

It does sound as though even your son finds she is running a bit too fast talking about children straight away. You may find he puts the brakes on this one.

If they do rush into marriage and children, all you can do is be there for him whatever happens. Even if you never have a great relationship with her she will be your DIL and potentially the mother of your grandchildren, so it may pay to start practicing gritting your teeth.

clarence83_2

Sounds to me like she feels her biological clock is ticking and she feels she needs to hurry up and do everything before it's too late!

Same thing happened to my stepdad, he is now in the process of a divorce just over 1 year of marriage as he decided in the end that he didnt want the pressure she put upon him to get married (again, just a few weeks into the relationship), have kids (even though he already has 3 and showed no interest in us), spend all the time with her family & friends instead of his,

I think the novelty was great at first, lovely looking lady showing him all this attention, but it soon became obvious that everything was on her terms. (we of course knew this already but had to leave him to get on with things)

Your son will come to his senses, but can only learn the hard way.

margaretclare

jenhug wrote: »

I can't figure out what the blanked out word is!

Nor can I.

clarence83_2

margaretclare wrote: »

Nor can I.

It's a horrible term for someone who has disabilities. Didn't used to be a bad word, as there was a charity of the same name, but they had to change their name to "Scope".

zippychick

Sounds like a blimmin nightmare situation OP. I know how hard it is to just know someone is wrong for someone else, but to have to keep your mouth shut.

Not really sure what advice to give you, just wanted to say hope it all works out for the best. And please don't cut contact, as someone said, you will be playing right into her hands.

On one hand, they could just be so madly in love and wants his babies straight away (they have known each other a long time, so you have to understand your son has extra judgement time on her and has spent more time with her than 6 weeks).

On the other hand, she could be a gold digging cow which sounds more likely to be honest.

I find it odd she was al over him in front of you - but then again, different families are raised different ways. My old flatmate pawed the living daylights out of her boyfriend in front of my Mum , and my Mums poor eyes were popping out of her head. I wouldnt have done that, but in her family it was ok.

All you can do is make sure your son knows how you feel, then continue to offer support. Is it possible to meet up as a family somewhere mutual, rather than your house? That way, she can't exactly state she is uncomfortable. I would engage her, asking plenty of questions and just be nice. If she is as unobliging as you say, hopefully your son will see this.

Sounds like he is hesitating on the kids front - I wonder would she try to "trap" him?

Another ridiculous idea you would see in a soap opera, is have a family BBQ and get the video camera out, go round everyone asking questions and make sure you get plenty of footage of her. Maybe it would help your son to see an outside point of view. Im not sure if people actually do these things in real life or just tv (sorry, tongue in cheek)

If you talk to him again about things, try and help him see it from the outside though. if it was his bestest friend in this situation, what advice would he give?

I dunno, that's not really advice as such.Sorry. :rolleyes:

red_devil

EslaDee wrote: »

I would be grateful of any advice with this problem I am so upset and don`t know who to talk to.

My son is in his early 30's and has had several long term relationships, we (my DD and I) have stayed on friendly terms with most of them, but he has just announced that after 6 weeks of dating he is getting engaged, we were surprised but really pleased. A whirlwind romance!

He has worked in the same place as her for 6 months while he was going out with his last g/f, but they have now been and placed a deposit on a ring, £1,500.00 and will be picking it up as soon as it has been altered. He then announced that she wants to get married asap, we were still really pleased, but then he rang me to say she wants children immediately. He sounded a bit 'resigned' when he said this, so that alarmed me a little.

He brought her to meet us this weeekend and we knocked ourselves out to make sure everything was spick and span and welcoming, we baked and prepared food for the day. We even served cream and custard and cheese for them (we are vegan).

However from the moment they walked in she was very cold with us, didn`t answer when we spoke to her and spent most of the day 'pawing' my son. She did tell us that a friend of hers was looking for a house in the area where she currently lives (she rents a flat) but that property there is quite pricey.

My DD was of the same opinion as me, that she wasn`t interested in being friendly with us, just wanted my son.

Apparently she has been quite deeply in debt and my son is helping her, pays for just about everything it seems.

I was so worried about her rush to have children so soon, that I rang my son the next day and told him I was worried about it, children are a lifelong committment and once you have them even if your relationship fails you must always put them first. Added to which the man quite often loses his home and must pay not only for his children (quite rightly) but sometimes also his ex wife.

He said that he had been wondering of they could not delay the chldren thing for a while. Today he rang to say that when he saw her last night she was crying and saying I thought she was a S*****c, which took my breath away, I didn`t think it and would never say that about anyone. He said he wasn't going to give her up, which no-one suggested anyway. Engagements can be called off, marriages can be ended, although no-one would wish that, but children must be cared for and put first always.

I had been wondering what I had done wrong, what I could do to make things right and get things on a friendly footing, but after this latest revelation I have come to feel that she is a manipulative gold digger, who has been looking for a someone with a decent job that she can get her clutches into, have children and not work and take him for everything he has if they split up.

I actually am considering telling my son I don`t want to see either of them again, which would hurt me very much, but I hate to see him being played for a fool.

Sorry, I know it is a ramble but even so I could put much more, but that may identify
the people concerned. :-(

If i were you I would accept the gf because thats your sons choice!

At the end of the day if you make a fuss you will lose your son!

his priority is his relationship not his mother and thats the way it should be!

We cant all please each other all of the time in families its impossible but I fear you will lose out if you fall out with her sorry but true.

red_devil

However from the moment they walked in she was very cold with us, didn`t answer when we spoke to her and spent most of the day 'pawing' my son.

she might have been shy who knows first meetings arent always easy!

whats wrong with her pawing your son as you say, would you have preferred it if she was cold and distant with him!

floss2

You need to try hard to put your personal feelings to one side, and to accept her (and whatever faults she may have) as your son's chosen wife-to-be.

I agree with those who say get to know her, and invite her to meet you to help look for your wedding outfit.....she will hopefully see that you are expecting there to be a wedding, and you can build bridges

Maybe they can be persuaded to re-think the children issue by suggesting that they might want to be "on their own to enjoy being a married couple" for a little while before thinking about a family.

floss2

red_devil wrote: »

whats wrong with her pawing your son as you say, would you have preferred it if she was cold and distant with him!

Most girlfriends are quite nervous meeting their BF's family for the first time, but there are lines over which it probably isn't good to cross when meeting your in-laws-to-be for the first time, and "pawing", snogging, groping etc would fall on the wrong side of that line for me.

Maybe I am more reserved, but having got one set of in-laws when 20 and now having a new set of in-laws-to-be, and with 2 sons in their twenties, I have never behaved that way, would not do so, and would not be comfortable if a GF of one of my sons did so.

zippychick

floss2 wrote: »

Most girlfriends are quite nervous meeting their BF's family for the first time, but there are lines over which it probably isn't good to cross when meeting your in-laws-to-be for the first time, and "pawing", snogging, groping etc would fall on the wrong side of that line for me.

Maybe I am more reserved, but having got one set of in-laws when 20 and now having a new set of in-laws-to-be, and with 2 sons in their twenties, I have never behaved that way, would not do so, and would not be comfortable if a GF of one of my sons did so.

I agree. There's being "liberal" and plain disrespectful.!